10 Things that could be inside Peter Molyneux's CUBE.

Posted on July 22, 2012 - 5:05pm by The Stickman

TLDR;

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NOTE : This is usually where I'd put some awesome music for you guys to listen to, but unfortunately Youtube have decided to no longer allow embedded videos to be shrunk down to a convenient enough size for me to continue doing this. It's a damn shame that something I've been doing for over 2 years now with my blogs has had to be discontinued because Youtube can't go 5 seconds without fucking something up. My apologies.

 

(This is a parody trailer)

 

In case you haven't been following the transcredible exploits of Peter Molyneux lately, he's recently left Lionhead Studios, creators of the Fable and Black & White, and has set up his own indie studio called 22Cans where he's planning all sorts of CARAAAAZZY projects that will apparently blow our minds. The first such project is called Curiosity. Basically, there's a cube, and everyone's working together to chip away at the cube to reveal what's at the centre, the (apparent) catch is that only one person, the person who chips the final block away will see what lays inside. Molyneux has stated that what's within will CHANGE THE WORLD, it will be reported about on news channels across the world, and be talked about for years to come. This shit must be pretty amazing right? I mean, it can't just be the bullshit ravings of a self-centered arse, right? Right! So here's my 10 predictions for what life changing things could be at the centre...of Peter Molyneux's CUBE.

 

10. Gutsman's Ass.

He always turns up when you least expect it! Picture if you will...thousands of people chipping away at the cube for hours, days...people have died trying to reach the centre...to see what amazing thing lays within...to let the mind reach its true potential. And then...oh! OH! We've made it to the centre...and then BADAAAAA! It's Gutsman's arse...and the world changes, a wave of fabulous...rainbow coloured energy sweeps the planet and slowly but surely every man on the planet becomes a homosexual, hungry for cock and butt putty, their homosexual thirsts never fully quenched...women are slowly wiped out from lack of attention as the men steal all their hair products and fill up all the designer outlets whilst bumming each other. Over the years the population dwindles, the gay scientists desperately find a way to make babies out of gay sex, religion collapses, all manly sports except MMA end....and then, finally all human life is gone from the face of the earth. Molyneux was right, it would change the world...but for the better?  I DON'T THINK S O, THE ENTIRE WORLD IS DEAD NOW.

 

 

9. Brad Pitt's wife's head.

In the corners of the screen whilst people are chipping away at the Cube, Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman are seen to be busy investigating a series of bizzare and 18 rated murders, of course nobody notices because people are far more interested in chipping away slowly at a cube than they are in solving crime or doing something exciting in a game. It gets to the final chips...and then...Brad Pitt walks in front of the screen, he makes the last chip into the cube...he starts to cry, to scream...but what is it? The world will never know, because his head was in the way, Molyneux was right, only one person will ever see what is inside the Cube, and that's Brad Pitt. We watch on in horror as he kills Kevin Spacey in cold blood...our minds are changed forever, scarred if you will...we spent all this time chipping away, if we hadn't, Brad Pitt wouldn't have killed Kevin Spacey and the world would be better off...we will never be the same again...oh yeah, spoilers for the movie Se7en by the way.

 

 

8. A decent Fable game.

AHAHHAHAHAHAAHHA...nah..nah, that would be silly....AHAHAHAHA...a good Fable game after Fable 2...classic humour....yep... *Sniff*

 

 

7. FACE MELTING GHOSTS!

The world is united at their iPad screens, tapping away desperately at the cube...what could be in it? We've been promised great things...this fabled Cube that we're all so desperate to open up, it's so close now! We'll find out what's at the centre! The final chip is done...suddenly, Indiana Jones screams "CLOSE YOUR EYYYYES!" you look up with confusion before suddenly, DUN DUN DUUUUUN! Evil  and pooly made 80's film ghosts start flying around you going WHOOOOOOO! You start screaming, AHHH! AHHHHHHH! OH GOD! OH GOD NO! you scream louder, your face begins to melt, everybody whose face is glued to their screen begins to melt and explode...WHAT HAVE WE DONE, WHAT HAS MOLYNEUX DONE! WHAT'S IN THE CUBE WAS NOT MEANT TO BE SEEN BY MORTAL EYES! And soon, silence falls...dust, blood and broken iPods lay across the world. Indiana Jones then makes a wisecrack and the theme tune plays. DUN DUN DA DAAA DUN DUNAAAAAA! DUN DADA DAAAAAA DUN DADAAA DAA DAAAA!

 

 

6. JUMANJI.

You discovered the iPad coated with dust many years into the future, you turn it on and see the Curiosity button on the menu screen, you tap it, curious. You see the cube has been left abandoned, with only one chip away to the centre. You tap it...a great...blinding light bursts free from the screen and an unusual board appears. In the centre, the name JUMANJI appears, telling you to roll the dice...you do just that and suddenly A HEARD OF FUCKING RHINOS BURST OUT THE SCREEN AND DESTROY YOUR HOUSE! OH FUCK OH SHIT! You take the next turn despite it not being yours, it brand you a cheater! So what? You think and then...what's this? OH YOU'RE TURNING INTO A MONKEY HOW HILLARIOUS! HA HA HA HA! Molyneux has provided a hillarious family movie moment for you, except that you then contract Monkey AIDS and die. THAT BASTARD!

 

 

5. Nothing.

..................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................. .................................................................................................................................................................. ............................................................................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................................... ..........................................................................................Get the idea?

 

 

4. Another Cube.

The world has been desperately chipping away at the Cube for weeks now, desperate to see what's at the centre...it could be anything! What is it? WE MUST KNOW! It's you...you are the one who chips the last bit away! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL SEE WHAT'S INSIDE! You take a deep breath as the screen zooms into the Cube...a flash of white covers it and then...what's this? Another Cube? What's going on? Did it crash? And then a message comes up on the screen "TO SEE THE TRUE ENDING OF THE CUBE YOU, AND ONLY YOU MUST PAY AN ADDITIONAL FEE OF £1 MILLION.", you stare...gobsmacked...you're not going to pay that much for a shitty Cube! And then, suddenly, people bang on your door. "PAY THE MONEY!" they scream, threatening you with death and Monkey AIDS....you then realise that the evil mastermind that is Molyneux has done it again! If you don't pay the money and let people continue to chip into the Cube, they will kill you! Sadly...you sell all your belongings, your home, your clothes...your body for sex...and pay the million...sitting there, sobbing as the world starts to chip away at the next one, not knowing that this will go on for eternity....

 

 

3. The Higgs Boson.

Molyneux does what Large Hardron Collidon't! After years of planning and research, who would of thought that all this time the secrets to the creation of the universe lay in the Cube! The world watches in awe as the last block is chipped away, the iPod screen exploding in a flash of light and a heavenly choir sound, out from the screen rises Jesus Christ himself, the Higgs Boson is actually a anagram for BINGOS HOGS, which turns out to be God's Bingo team. All this time we were trying to find the cause of the big bang when it turned out God did it, he did everything...but wait...what's this? Jesus looks familiar...wait...no...NO! It's Molyneux! Molyneux is Jesus Christ and he's shown us proof that God exists! The world is changed forever after, and we all live naked in the wilderness, except for fig leaves covering our bollocks...just as God intended.

 

 

2. Stanley Kubrick's mind.

You're the one! You are the one who makes that last chip away into the Cube! Loud, dramatic music plays as it slowly opens up...DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN and then...suddenly...colours...colours and lights and shapes stream past you, sucking you in...you're horrifed! What's going on! It's just an endless stream of pointless colours and shapes! You stare on with a pained, confused expression as you drift further and further into the Void (Enter the Void joke again, I haven't even seen that film!) and then, suddenly, you're in bed...except it's not your bed, you're really old and there's a baby version of yourself in front of you. He says "Hi" and you go "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!?!" and explode. Cue stupidly high levels of acclaim and years of people claiming it to be the best fil-game ever.

 

 

1. Some Pretentious, Indie Bullshit.

Oh come on, jokes aside this is EXACTLY what will be inside the Cube, some meaningless arty bullshit that only the creators think is amazing or life-changing in any way, shape or form. It's going to be something lame, like a camera that shows a picture of yourself, or a piece of paper saying "YOU ARE SPECIAL", or clouds and peaceful music that Molyneux thinks will change you forever. A tree, the Universe, a T-Rex eating Donald Trump...it's going to be some bullshit thing that people will either praise as a huge amazing thing, or realise that they've had their time wasted by some big headed arsehole who thinks he's smarter than he is.

 

Do you get it? That's right...this list is a metaphor for Curiosity and I am a metaphor for Peter Molyneux, your minds have been blown, I have changed your lives forever, tomorrow this List will be on the news, I've changed your perceptions of reality and made you realise how small your lives truly are. You're welcome.

 

Later gators!

 

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