Ask the Experts: Happy Huevos Day!

Posted on January 21, 2013 - 7:00pm by g1 Features


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A Zero 2 Hero









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Hey guys. Welcome to Ask the Experts, the only show where ignorance is encouraged. Let me pull back the curtain for a bit to tell you about the troubles that happened behind the scenes. Here it goes, on the day I was posting this episode, I found, much to my dismay, that I had lost the source coding for the body paragraph of this episode. So I had to go ahead and write the entire thing from scratch. Not only that, but I also had to deal with a horribly broken blog interface. So please excuse me if this episode is not up to standards of the previous episode. Now, please enjoy this special Dia de Huevos episode of Ask the Experts!


In your own words, write an essay about the origins of Dia de Huevos and the significance of its traditions.

A Zero 2 Hero: Indeed, Dia de Huevos sounds like an extraordinarily festive day for citizens everywhere! I'm betting, however, that you are rather curious on how this whole tradition even started in the first place. That, my friend, is an extraordinary tale of its own. It all began in a small town between Mexico and Texas, Monclova in 1847. It was a time of great war, as the pursuit for land was still at hand in the Mexican-American War. The townspeople were consumed by fear that they might get involved in the conflict. A group of people, however, sought to lighten up the mood, perhaps use the calm before the storm to make a rainbow of festivity and happiness shine in the sky, before it was dissolved by the thunder and lightning of combat. So they formed a committee to have a town-wide fiesta.

The grand party was going well, as everyone seemed to be having a good time. Later into the night, two travelers arrived into the town-square, a man named Reynaldo Gustave, and his much younger companion, Hermana Rosada (who has been often mistaken in the history archives to be Reynaldo's daughter. How and why she was traveling with this man is still unknown). As they approached the first few pueblos and cacti, lit in fascinating colors, they were curious to what was going on. They were welcomed by the citizens with open arms and were invited to join them in perhaps their last moments of joy. Everyone continued to play, eat, and drink their worries away... all except one man: the older traveler. It's recorded that Reynaldo was always a kind but reserved man, but on this particular night, he seemed to be more anxious than before, insisting to stand even when offered a seat. It seemed that he had something to hide, but his worst fears began to come true when that secret was no longer being hidden, revealed by a shout within the crowd:

"Hoy! Someone is bleeding all over the floor!"

The trail of blood spots immediately pointed to Reynaldo. The investigation team forced his wound was exposed to the public. It seemed like Reynaldo was bleeding... from his anus.

The townspeople must have never seen this type of injury until now, because their overreactions to it were insurmountable. Most were outraged and offended that this guest was defecating their ground.

"Surely this man isn't a man, but a woman"

one proposed, the townspeople beginning to agree. The party began to humiliate the man's condition, some even beginning to beat him, particularly in the pelvis region. Amongst the crowd, the young girl, Rosada stood there terrified, unable to do anything as the townspeople continued to beat up the man, her ears being surrounded by chants:

"¡Él es una mujer! ¡Hay que curarla! (He is a woman! We must cure her!)"

The suffering would continue, until they finally decided to leave Reynaldo on the ground, beaten and his lower body practically broken. With some assistance from other townspeople, Rosada was finally able to reach her companion, and then she carried him off to the nearest doctor. Reynaldo would be housed by the town doctor for the next few days, but his condition only got worse. According to the doctor's records, Reynaldo's pelvis was broken, and his lower body was suffering from blood clot. Desperate to save her only friend's life, Rosada did everything she could to make him feel better but alas, it was of no avail. One week after the incident, Reynaldo passed away from severe injuries. By this time, the town was calmed down and began to regret their actions from that night. Looking to apologize, they all eventually made their way to the doctor where each one finally heard the bad news. The damage was done, but they hoped to redeem themselves by welcoming the young girl into their town with open arms, but when they came back to Reynaldo's final resting place, nothing was there but a little potted cactus, decorated with tiny but rare jewelry and miscellaneous items. Throughout the last week, Rosada, realizing she could do nothing to restore Reynaldo's health, decided to at least restore his spirits, by constantly pricking her small fingers, finding and then decorating a cactus. The traveler was never seen again, some saying that she traveled north, and was eventually dragged into the U.S.-Mexican conflict in Texas as a war asset... the very thing Monclova feared to become; they pushed a young girl into going.

And so, ever since then, those who acknowledge the tragic tale would commemorate the event by embracing what had occurred, calling it Dia de Huevos. On every third Friday of January, it would be considered an insult to the fallen traveler if anybody stepped on, sat on, or just contacted anything that resembled a red spot, and must acknowledge their humanity via a punch/slap/tap to their genitalia. They will willingly suffer through the spines of the cactus, to decorate it in such a fashion to celebrate the good times had at that party, and the good in people in general.

As with most holidays in modern times, this holiday is mainly now celebrated as just another day to celebrate, making the events into joyful pranks on each other (even adding in the requirement to play Ultimate Party Challenge, while listening to early 90s songs for some reasons), but deep down, the message is still there. For you see, no matter what or who we are within our community, within society, no matter what image is portrayed of each of us, in the end we are all still one thing: Human. And as humans, bodily functions are a normal occurrence, no exceptions! These bodily functions shouldn't be made into such a big deal to the point of humiliating the person who did them, but rather just accepted and move on with our lives. And embracing our humanity is what Dia de Huevos is all about, especially the passing of certain eggs, which the holiday is named after (Egg Day).

Icipall: In the time before 8-bit era, of first home computers and the Great Videogame Crash, distraught and heartbroken gamers cried out for a hero. He was Miyashige, a mighty Lv. EX gamer, forged in the unyielding trials of Arcades.

He arrived with the blazing flames of innovation, like a warm fireplace on a cold January day. But his arrival didn't go unnoticed. The great Corporate, bent on sucking all it could from gamers, were afraid of his might and tried to show him, that the people of these lands were not worth it. So, when Miyashige arrived at the heart of the Corporate, they were ready for him.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years, yet still, the Great Miyashige and his most loyal men, the Ten Nins of Do, wouldn't - couldn't - succumb. They played their way through wave after wave of cheap, with-no-effort-what-so-ever made showelfare games, license games, clone games, clone consoles, games with no innovation and many other vile monstrosities. Even without food, even without water, they marched on, their banner with red dot on a plain background flowing majestically above their heads. And then, they stood strong and proud before their final enemies, the heads of the Corporate.

The A-Tar-I Army, the Vision-brothers, the monstrosity FCFS-2, the doppelganger Gemini, the dreambreakers Arca and Astro, the demonic Seers of Tele, the soul sucker V-ctrx, and the beginner of it all, Odyssei. The final battle between these forces reached such magnitudes that it ripped a temporary rift in the space time continuum, bathing the battlefield with strange but terrifyingly catchy music. Noticing the time to be right, Miyashige and the Ten Nins of Do charged at their enemies and delivered systematic uppercuts straight to their balls, causing entire world shudder with the cracking sound. Standing over their fallen enemies, Miyashige and his companions raised their voices to the Heavens and shouted:

"Let it be known, that on the third Friday of January, the bad eggs of the world were scrambled!"

The deed was done, and peace and good games ruled once again, but Miyashige knew that the evil would return someday, and decided to return back to his homeland to prepare for that day. When he announced this, his most faithful pupil from these now freed lands stepped forth and asked:

"But Miyashige-sama, how are we to be sure not to forget your great deeds to us, so that we wouldn't fall back to the times of The Great Crash?"

Miyashige thought for a moment and then gave this pupil a cactus, saying:

"Every year, decorate this cactus. The pain of doing it will remind you of the hardships my followers and I went through, but the joy of seeing it in its full glory will also remind you that it was all worth it."

With those parting words, Miyashige stepped on his grey ship and started his journey back to his home. After his ship vanished to the horizon, the pupil, simply known as "the Blue Bolt," said:

"Miyashige-sama, I vow that even if everyone else forgets, I will remember. I shall create a holiday in the honor of you and your deeds, and I shall name it 'Dia De Huevos'!"

OGCombos: You know that whole Mayan calendar and the end of the world thing, yeaaaaaaaaa. It was actually called the Dia de Huevos calendar. Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Yeah right, the Mayan's didn't have anything to do with Dia de Huevos you big stupid head." First off, that hurt right near the upper chest area. Second, it's all true. Craig was the only one to see it in the "Mayan" calendar about this religious holiday. Every third Friday of January would begin this holiday. Now for the 7 rules, or as the Mayans called it, traditions, of Dia de Huevos.

  1. FAST ALL DAY - The Mayan God, Kukulcan, told the Mayans to not eat or drink for the whole day to show appeasement and faith to their god.
  2. Decorate a cactus - Kukulcan brought down a cactus in a holy place five miles away from the Mayans to bring in each year. They had to decorate it with very thin and small pieces of wood and had to use a sticky sap to put it on the cactus.
  3. Have a TV fire - In the holy place where they get their cactus is a stone slab that haves a picture of a square stone block with a hole in front of the stone and inside the hole is a burning fire. In front of this stone is the decorated cactus. Thus having a TV fire.
  4. Play Ultimate Party Challenge for Wii - The Mayan's played games during the holiday. They used to pop balloons, but instead of balloons, they used rocks. They played a four player pinball but instead of pinball, they used rocks and sticks. Climbing a ladder while water is filling up, they would run across a river while dodging alligators. They have more games but I personally don't know anything else about it because they aren't in an archive. As for the loser, they have to have a Gunther mustache with a sharpie; they called it a Ghanan mustache.
  5. Listen to 90s music - They used to play music back then it was just a decade earlier from their time.
  6. Red dots=PAIN! - Still the same as back then. They used red flower as dots and if you stepped on it, you get hit in the baby maker.
  7. SURVIVE - Many Mayan's died because of this holiday; I might even say that this holiday is the reason why the Mayan's are extinct. (Editor's note: the Mayans are not extinct; people of Mayan descent live all over North and South America.)

Now you know the origins of Dia de Huevos and the possible extinction of the human race. There is only one person you can blame for this evil holiday... Craig. Evil mastermind or the last Mayan in the world? Just think about it, Craig called the failing health of Dick Clark.

darkhyrulelord: You may say that Craig started Dia de Huevos as a silly idea to have a holiday in the middle of January, but there's far more to it than that. In fact, Dia de Huevos is the most important holiday to date....for without it, our world would be invaded by aliens!

Let's start way back. Long ago, a secret and obscure Native American tribe in Texas worshiped powerful godlike creatures that granted them powers if they obeyed them. All they had to do was to take care of some eggs (from the creatures) during the coldest months of the year and to make sure to make as little noise as possible. The creatures also told the tribe to not go into war until told to. During the coldest part of the year, the eggs would hatch and the creatures would take them away and give the tribe powers if they brought in the quota. The Tribe was known as the Tribe of the Eggs.

The creatures themselves actually were a plant-like alien that resembled cacti men, but far more dangerous. They were highly persuasive, their needles on their skin were extremely painful to the touch, they had regeneration powers, and they also spread forth red dot-like substances on the ground. The red dot-like substances, if touched or stepped on, absorbs into the patient's skin and causes massive pain and some nerve damage.

Other tribes started to notice, but so fearful were the other tribes and leaders that they let the tribe fade into obscurity since they didn't want to let the tribe become enraged. The tribe that was with the creatures didn't mind since they lived luxurious lives.

However, things started to get dicey when the Spanish moved in and tried to claim the tribe's territory. For whatever reason, the creatures never came back ever since they heard about the Spanish. The tribe decided to attack the Spanish on their own with their new powers, and they punished the Spanish quite heavily since the eggs hatched and joined the tribe in battle. The Spanish were outmatched at first and learned the pain of the red dots, but eventually learned that the creatures from the eggs suffered when poked with sharp objects at (unfortunately) close range or if fire was used against them. The Spanish made a habit of creating a fire place to avoid having the creatures to sneak up on them. Luckily for the Spanish, even though there were many casualties, they managed to win the battle on the third Friday of January and they called that day Dia de Huevos or Day of the Eggs.

The day fell into obscurity due to the other Spanish not believing them (and possibly fear), but many Spanish continued to follow the traditions of having a fireplace, battling cacti, and avoiding dots on floors as training. Many years later, this tradition grew more into obscurity, but it caught the interest of the US government when they found evidence of alien life on Earth. They created Area 51 to hide the evidence. In a sense it worked, but in another sense, it didn't.

Craig was driving one day and tried to think of a new Clip of the Week... and he got lost. He somehow managed to find Area 51 by going around in a super-secret route of loops over roads to activate a hidden entrance into Area 51 underground. It didn't take long for the government inside to kick him out, but Craig managed to snatch a slip of paper on a desk before leaving (or maybe he stunned someone by taking off his hat). It turned out to have a bit of information on Dia de Huevos that I mentioned earlier. Due to this, Craig got a crazy idea of trying to be Earth's savior for the future by secretly giving training to others while having a new holiday (all the while finding something for a Clip of the Week). This is why he "created" the traditions of where you can't step on red dots, you have to have a fireplace, and you need to feel the pain of putting stickers on cacti. About the Ultimate Party Challenge Wii game though? No one knows.


Well, that was our special Dia de Huevos episode of Ask the Experts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to beware the red dot. Good night and remember, we're always looking for expertise (or lack thereof).



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Be sure to check out this week's contributors:

A Zero 2 Hero, Icipall, OGCombos, darkhyrulelord


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