ARRGGHH!!! 'Ello me hartees. Your normal host is still on the run from the police, so I'm your temporary host, Banarcle Bob,  the nefarious sea pirate. Now, I've made an executive decision and instead of giving you your normal expert-ing, I could tell you about the times I nearly found treasure but lost it somehow, which is a totally legitimate reason for me still living with my parents. Doesn't that sound like- Hey! HEY! What are you doing?!? Stop! STOP!!!- OW! OW! OW! NO! NOT THE LEAD PIPE! NOT THE LEAD- OW! OW! Owwwwwwww....

Rule #34 of Ask the Experts: NO! PIRATES! ALLOWED! ... EVER!

Oh, hello. Welcome to Ask the Experts, the only show where ignorance is encouraged. Well, I suppose that pirate assault was more than satisfactory for an introduction segment.

You friggin' psychopath!

SHUT UP! Anyways, I'm just going to start the show now. See you in a bit.

How did Barry get into the jetpack lab in the first place?

NinjaRed64: Ok, being a biology kind of guy, I'm gonna do some science stuff. Anyone who's played Mass Effect 2 might remember Zaeed Massani. During his loyalty mission, if you ask him how he survived a head-shot, he replies "Rage is a hell of an anesthetic". And remember the blood rage? Serotonin causes serenity in a person, while in a moment of fear or anger, adrenaline suppresses serotonin, making the person act illogically, and at times, somewhat impervious to pain. In the game Jetpack Joyride, Barry Steakfries (awesome name by the way), gets pissed off at the evil scientists for using science to, you guessed it, take over the world (OF COURSE!!). Also, take into effect something that i call the "Super Saiyan" moment, in which a character is so overcome with rage that they become immensely powerful. So its safe to say that this happened to Barry, allowing him to tear down the wall like a boss.

DRQ: I wanted to make my own conclusion, but I did some research and found a f*cking trailer. So yeah, no funny guy here. MAKE YOUR OWN JOKES YOU LAZY A-

Hunt3rpwns: Well, before you can get into ANYTHING you have to find it first, and let's be honest....

That lab was hidden pretty damn well. Hell, if I was Barry in that situation, I would have walked right by that lab every day to my boring job. This can only mean one thing; Barry has super powers. He must have either X-Ray vision or some sort of Spidey-Sense because that lab was hidden better than Solid Snake.

Now, you wouldn't have such a well hidden lab without some sort of defensive walls right? Well again, Barry has super powers, so he simply just blew up the wall with his scrotum.

Think this is far fetched? Please, I haven't even told you that the jetpack is fake yet....

How can Guybrush Threepwood keep all of that stuff in his pocket?

NinjaRed64: Like all epic cartoons I guess. Like Earthworm Jim and Link, any hero who does heroic stuff can carry as much crap in their pockets as possible, and the same can be said about Guybrush Threepwood, thanks to the heroic hammerspace (a term coined from Amy Rose and her ability to produce her hammer out of anywhere). Hell, Earthworm Jim can carry his own giant-ass rocket in his back-pocket. Know why? Heroic Rocket Space!! You know how Link can carry the Goron's hammer with no problem at all in the fire temple, or about 6 bottles containing either potions or fairies gasping for air? Heroic Hammer Space!!! You know why Guybrush can carry so much treasure and weapons, even a guitar? Heroic Pirate Space!!

DRQ: They are his secret pants. If you put something in it, it gets transported into his mind. As long as he remembers he has it, he can use it. SO DON'T FORGET! NEXT QUESTION!

Hunt3rpwns: The same way that Snake can carry 2 pistols, 3 rifles, 2 rocket launchers, c4, Claymores, 3 types of grenades, and his porn in a skin-tight wet suit.

Why does the geography of the Mushroom Kingdom keep changing?

NinjaRed64: In the case of New Super Mario Bros. 2, I'm assuming all of those coins the Mario Bros. collect must go for reconstruction of the Mushroom Kingdom. I mean, think about how many times the Koopalings attacked the place. They're bound to cause a lot of collateral damage. I'm guessing that the areas they fought on were so war-torn, they basically had to move the palace and residents to different areas.

DRQ: Economy. The Mushroom Kingdom keeps changing their land 'cause they have such a wealthy economy that they can afford all the changes. If Princess Peach doesn't like it, then she changes it.

Hunt3rpwns: It doesn't. Every time you go to a new area, it's just somewhere you haven't been yet. The geography in Skyrim doesn't change, you just haven't been everywhere yet. The real mystery is why Peach still hasn't put out yet.

Don't the Subway Surfer kids have parents?

NinjaRed64: OK, I'm an inner city kid who was born and raise in Trenton, NJ, and I've seen a lot of kids that are similar, if not worse, than the Subway Surfers. Trust me, just turn the corner in one street, and you're bound to see a great deal of graffiti. I highly doubt those Subway Surfers have parents, and if they did, they would've whipped their asses straight by now. All those tokens they find, hell, they might've stolen them from a store. All this comes from experience. I've seen kids like these.

DRQ: Yes, and that's why he surfs on the subway to get to his parents. He lost them 2 years ago and is trying to find them.

Hunt3rpwns: No, but what would their parents do if they were there? These kids jump on and off moving train cars, grind power lines, and have the ability to outrun the police. They would be powerless to defy such ruthless children. That would be like trying to parent Cartman.

Why does Om Nom only eat candy?

NinjaRed64: I'm guessing he comes from the dimension where The Misadventures of Flapjack resides in. Hell, he might be a resident from the fabled Candied Island, with trickling streams of soda pop, trickling down the rocks, candy cane trees and a lemonade sea (sounds pretty good to me!). If he ate anything else, he might develop a deadly rash (as seen by Drake in the show Drake and Josh, and yes, I saw a few episodes).

DRQ: Well, that is because the Om Nom race is a candyvore which means he lives on candy. He doesn't need to eat anything else to survive.

Hunt3rpwns: You try going "om nom" on a carrot and see where that gets you.

Well that's it for today. If you excuse me, I'm going to go assault some more pirates. Good night and remember, we're always looking for expertise (or lack thereof).

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Be sure to check out this week's contributors:

DRQ, NinjaRed64, Hunt3rpwns

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