Ask the Experts: The Secret Origins of Frogger

Posted on March 5, 2013 - 10:00am by g1 Features

TLDR;

Creator, co-question writer:

Dallinag

 

Today's Experts:

 

CrazyDuck

 

BenNiGeLing

 

HOW YOU CAN HELP:

  1. Volunteer to be an expert on the spring schedule page.
  2. Write a question you want asked on the show in the comments below or on Dallinag's wall.

Dallinag is still dead. Fortunately, he has pre-made 5 episodes for us to enjoy. Take that for what you will.

Why would Dracula need Reebok Pumps?

CrazyDuck: Because Dracula just wants to hang out with all the villagers. He heard that Rebook Pumps are like totally in right now and he just wants to hang out with all those people. There is no better icebreaker than some sweet ass shoes. But they always start bullying poor Dracula with torches & clubs & pitchforks & all sort of pointy and blunt things. Why do they have to pick on poor Dracula? All he wants is a few virgins & their blood... Racist villagers!

BenNiGeLing: He doesn't need them. He doesn't want them. In fact, he hates them. Unfortunately for him, he lives in Eastern Europe, which entirely consists of countries that haven't quite yet admitted that they're actually Russia, just with different names. And since everyone there is Russian, they're also all communists.

In the year 1987, a secret space exploration squad returned from secretly exploring space, and they brought alien technology that would later lead to the biggest cobbling quantum leap since the Velcro (English seriously doesn't have a proper word for that?!) that today is known as Reebok Pumps. The resulting hype caused the production of billions and billions of these pieces of art of engineering, which were of course too many. So, to this day, all of the Russias are sitting on huge piles of those Pumps and outlawed the production of shoes until the last Reebok has been equally distributed amongst the people. Or however communism is supposed to work.

 

How come Frogger is the same size as a car?

CrazyDuck: The original Frogger was going to be a lot darker. It was not intended to be a frog but a human. *GASP* Yeaaaah... Japan: making f*cked up shit since ALWAYS! Frogger was going to be Escaper. You are a fugitive on the run from the law and what is between you and sweet sweet freedom is one of the busiest highways on the planet. And a river... with crocodiles & shit. RUN CRIMINAL RUN!!!

BenNiGeLing: Is Frogger the same size as a car? Or is the car the same size as Frogger?

First we have to figure out which came first: Frogger, or the car?

And for that matter: If a car runs over a car-sized Frogger, or Frogger get's run over by a Frogger-sized car, which then loses control and crashes into a tree, which then falls over but no one's around to hear it, does the quarter you put into the machine make a sound if you're deaf?

Deadline for the essays is the 33rd of August. Class dismissed.

 

Where'd Donkey Kong get all those barrels?

CrazyDuck: We never really see what Donkey Kong does in his day to day life. We see him kidnapping girlfriends from Italians and getting bananas back from royalty reptiles & pieces of voodoo wood... woodoos... PUNS!!! But why does he wear a tie and a have bitchin' tree house & all that? Bananas are actually illegal substances in Kong Country. THAT'S RIGHT!!! THE KONG FAMILY ARE DRUG BARONS!!! Or banana barons or whatever. The barrels? A clever cover up company to ship all the bananas in to all the banana addicted monkeys & gorillas in the world. So King K. Rool and the Woodoos are actually the DEA. You all helped the Kong get his stash back... shame on you all.

BenNiGeLing: The year is 1994 AD. Donkey Kong Island is entirely occupied by alligators. Well, not entirely...one small village of indomitable Kongs still holds out against the invaders. And life is not easy for the Roman- I mean- reptilian... whatever.

It's a well known fact that the Donkey Kong universe is a blatant ripoff of the Asterix the Gaul series, with Asterix being replaced with Diddy Kong, Obelix with Donkey Kong, and it also has that old monkey guy instead of Getafix.

The barrels were originally meant to contain magic potion, but Rare decided to remove it, seeing how they already stole too many ideas for one game, leaving vast amounts of empty barrels behind, never giving a satisfying explanation for their presence.

At least they removed the wings on Diddy's hat.

 

Wouldn't the owners of Nintendo Land get sued for all the injuries that occur in the park?

CrazyDuck: I like to call attention to a certain movie of the year 1999. A certain movie that had the human race reduced to batteries. I'm talking about The Matrix. Sure we are complaining about Monita now just because she interrupts all the time. But she is just waiting for the perfect moment. At the moment we are just controlling our Miis (which are clearly robots) with our controllers. But soon we will be playing Nintendo Land with our minds without us even knowing it. And we will be suspended in weird pink goo. And producing energy by being violated by tubes going in existing and new orifices. And that's why Monita, who is owner of Nintendo Land and supreme leader of the robot race, doesn't have to worry about any lawsuits because the Miis are robots. But seriously, unite against Monita before it's to late...

BenNiGeLing: *Crosses arms and shakes head. Then gets up and exits stage. Pause. Then, shouting, from a distance*

Yes.

 

How were the Muppets able to fit full minigames into cruise ship cabins?

   CrazyDuck: Muppet science is a lot more advanced than our own. They are actually a very advanced alien race that have been living on our planet for thousands of years. Many of our own great advances have actually been of Muppet design without us knowing it. They just sometimes leave their designs out in the open to see what we make of it. Fun fact: the electrical telegraph is actually a Muppet music instrument. Other fun fact: I have no freaking idea what this question is about except "Muppets".

CrazyDuck AAAAAWAAAAAAAY *flies off in to the horizon*

BenNiGeLing: They opened the door, put the minigame into the cabin, and then closed the door.

 

Well, that's our show. If you know any Satanic rituals that can bring the dead back to life, please let us know.

 

 

For updates on Ask the Experts and other fun stuff, go to Dallinag's wall.

 

Be sure to check out this week's contributors:

CrazyDuck, BenNiGeLing

 

Got a question about Ask the Experts? Maybe the SFAQ (Somewhat Frequently Asked Questions) can help!

 

Want to volunteer for Ask the Experts? The 2013 Spring Schedule is your helping hand on the path to experthood!

 

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