Hey guys. No time for intros now. I need to cut to the chase. I'm sure you did fun things over the winter break. Over the break, I did something, shall we say, not-so fun. But that's not important. What's important is that now I'm currently being hunted down by the police. So, I need you guys to-

OPEN UP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!

OH CRAP!!! Okay, I've gotta go, Enjoy today's questions! Remember, I was never here. Bye.

 

Why do the Gremlins in Epic Mickey fix things when Gremlins are most known for destroying airplanes?

Elmo 3000: As a personal supporter and spokesperson of the National Association for Equal Treatment for Gremlins, I can confirm that the representation they face in the media is inadequate at best. Gremlins are normally kind, helpful creatures that love nothing more than bringing joy to those they meet, but due to the horrendous bias faced against them in movies and video games (Well, they were in an 'Exile' game I played) then it's grown normal for acts of kindness they perform to be seen as odd. Well no more! For too long, the miniscule 90% of gremlins who are mischievous have given the other 10% a jolly bad name, but they're on the road to recovery.

In particular, they help out in Epic Mickey because they have a thing for cartoon mice. Before they hit the big screen, they were proofreaders for scripts for Tom and Jerry. The initial pitch was that every cartoon would end with Tom eating Jerry graphically. The Gremlins changed that. The Gremlins changed everything.

Flashpenny: They fix the stuff using the remains of destroyed airplanes.

The Guardian: In events previous to the beginning of Epic Mickey, the gremlins were the little destructive hell-raisers that their name indicates. However, the people got fed up with their behavior and started capturing them. The Great Walt of Disney saw them in their terrible state and had pity on them. With the Ultimate Paint Thinner and Paint Brush, he remade the minds of the gremlins to be useful for all. After remaking the gremlins minds, he set all of them free to help the citizens of the Wasteland.

This is why the Gremlins are so thankful when Mickey frees them from their cages. It reminds them of the stories they passed down about their forefathers being saved by the Great Walt.

Woodyman: Back in the olden days of black and white TV, Gremlins were hired by satanic forces to destroy things and cause destruction. It's been years since the Great Gremlin Rebellion. Now the gremlins are trying to redeem their bad name by fixing things and helping out the good toons of Toon Town.

 

For that matter, do the Epic Mickey Gremlins form from Mogwai?

Elmo 3000: As someone who hates, loathes, and despises gremlins, I can tell you that the gremlins in Epic Mickey are mainly formed via breeding between Kremlings from Donkey Kong Country and Goblins from various forms of media. Goblins. Kremlings. Gremlins. Just take the resulting baby, add a dash of salt, a hint of chocolate sauce, and the ground powder created by rubbing together an antelope and a lemon meringue tart. That's how Cooking Mama taught me!

Flashpenny: No, the mogwai form from the gremlins. Feed a gremlin after midnight, it becomes a mogwai. Feed a mogwai after midnight, it becomes an uber-gremlin.

The Guardian: Actually, these gremlins come from the Twilight Zone. In 1963 when William Shatner shot the "thing" off the wing of the plane, it fell through the Twilight Zone. The Twilight Zone can do many things and it sent that Gremlin into the Cartoon Wasteland where it has lived ever since.

Woodyman: No. All Mogwai have the ability to turn into Gremlins, but not all Gremlins are from Mogwais. Some gremlins are formed from incest, others are formed when a cow eats itself, but the Epic Mickey Gremlins are formed with a pencil.

 

How can you get a ticket to Nintendo Land?

Elmo 3000: Oh boy. I was wondering when this would come up. Well, I've held Shigeru's secret for 46 years, so I suppose it's about time I told someone how it's done. Here goes:

You must be playing Animal Crossing on a PAL GameCube on February 29th. Send a letter to the mayor of your village saying "It is time, Jeremy. Let us finish this." Talk to the mayor 27 hours later. He will give you a special axe and the name of one of your neighbours. Use the axe to kill him. Place a copy of Pokemon Ruby in the Gameboy Player I'm sure your GameCube is attached to. Back in Animal Crossing, you now have the option to wear your neighbour's skin as an alternate set of clothes. Go into Tom Nook's store and talk to him twice. Now remove the copy of Pokemon Ruby from the Gameboy Player and start it on a Gameboy Advance SP. Fly to Sootopolis and talk to a previously unseen fat man in front of the Pokemon Center. His name is Jeremy. Battle Jeremy. Not with Pokemon - it's a different play style, similar to that of Mortal Kombat. Punch with A, kick with B, and use L and R to dodge and grab, respectively. Jeremy has a lot of HP, but he has no arms, legs, head, or torso. Or attacks. Winning nets you the rare ticket to Nintendo Land. Now give it to a Venusaur, trade it back to Pokemon Gold (you'll be allowed) and print it out using that weird Gameboy Printer they released in Japan. Can only be used once, but comes with a voucher for a novelty Missingno tie and a free pizza from Burger King.

Flashpenny: You need to know the right people. If you don't then too bad for you, life sucks like that sometimes.

The Guardian: There are 5 golden tickets in select Nintendo 64 factory sealed boxes. Yes, Nintendo has been planning this since 1996. Yes, there are still 4 tickets left, the fifth is currently not located after it's original owner was killed. Do you still want a ticket?

Woodyman: You can only get a ticket to Nintendo Land if you find one inside of Scrumdiddlyumptious Bar. Also you must be a poor British boy with four grandparents that share one bed.

 

How can Rayman's hair give him the ability to fly?

 

Elmo 3000: Rayman's actually bald - the hair is an elaborate hat bought from Millicent Remington III, Millie to friends. She's pricey, but she designs the hats for all the famous video game characters - she gave Link the hat he uses to carry everything around in when nobody's looking, Kratos the bald cap he so desperately needed to cover his embarrassing afro, and Ness the baseball cap that, well, it doesn't do anything, but it's pretty cool-looking. Me and her had a thing going once, but it didn't last. It was me or the hats and, well, you can guess what she chose.

Rayman's hat in particular was a challenge - not getting it to fly around at will, but sticking it to that gosh-darned noggin of his! Every time the rotors started, it zoomed straight into the stratosphere, and no matter what adhesive we used, it just schlupped straight off Rayman's bald dome again. Rayman himself wasn't exactly excited to try it out when he saw how powerful it was, even with a strong enough bond between him and the hat, but luckily for everyone, his species doesn't change appearance when they put on weight, so it was just a case of fattening him up - metaphorically, of course. Ya should've seen his face when we told him - he was over the moon! Millie and me and him laughed a lot that evening. Those were good days. Before I found out she was making hats for EVERYONE if you know what I mean.

Bitch.

Flashpenny: The same way that a mushroom makes Mario double in size.

The Guardian: I'm not sayin' it's aliens but... aliens.

Woodyman: Unfortunately, Rayman suffers from male baldness. He has no hair of his own. When he was a child he was constantly teased by everyone he went to school with, so he decided to get a wig, There was a mixup at the wig shop and instead they sent him a prototype soft helicopter blade, The prototype infused itself to Rayman's head and thus he could fly.

 

How fast is the Tiny Wings bird going? I mean, being able to outrun the sun just seems improbable!

Elmo 3000: In 1976, the Tiny Wings bird followed 'Disco Duck' in the genre of talentedly talentless birds - after attempting several times to compete in race, it was discovered that he technically faced something of a handicap. Standing still, he travelled backwards at a rate of 150,000 miles per second. Having received enough wooden spoons to last him a lifetime, he decided in one last ditch effort for fame to embrace his specialty.

When he's running faster than the sun, the opposite is actually happening - having honed his skills to the superhuman level normally reserved for ostriches, or really fit emus, he can now travel backwards so fast that he circumnavigates the entire universe before, for a split-second, appearing in front of where he appeared to be the previous second. As natural miracles go, it ranks up there with the Falcon Punch, the Shun-Goku-Satsu, and Ellen Page.

Flashpenny: Just because something is improbable doesn't make it impossible.

The Guardian: Well, you aren't really able to outrun the sun, no matter what the game does end eventually. That being said, the bird is traveling from east to west and (assuming it is in the northern hemisphere during the summer) moving to the south. Why? Because as you move not only do you stay ahead of the sun and roll it back, but the amount of time it takes the sun to set lowers. This would mean you are racing the sun (going west) and the days are getting shorter (moving south during Northern Hemisphere summer). As you move further south, the rotational speed of the Earth also increases, further hindering your race against the sun

So, how fast is the bird actually going? Well the rotational speed of the earth at the Arctic Circle is roughly 700 miles/hour and the rotational speed at the equator is roughly 1040 m/h. On the normal jumps, it is fairly easy for the bird on the first island to keep up with the sun, so he is going faster than 700 m/h, but can't sustain 1000 m/h very well. I'd say somewhere around 800 m'h.

By the third and fourth island, the sun starts to catch up pretty steadily, until you jump from island to island, during these jumps you get a massive boost on the sun, gaining sunlight. I would conservatively estimate that speed during these jumps to be around 1500 m/h, and maybe as high as 2500m/h. Just for a reference, the speed of sound is 768 m/h, so this bird is no joke. Just call it Guile, because it is spamming Sonic Booms.

Woodyman: The Tiny Wings bird is going faster than The Flash and Sonic combined. It's like super duper fast... actually I got nothing funny to say for this one because I'm not familiar with Tiny Wings so umm.... BANANA HAMMOCK!

 

POLICE NOTICE

Ladies and gentlemen, this hurts me. It is absolutely disgusting for someone to decide to do such a heinous crime. Such horrible crimes keep me up at night. But, nevertheless I must report that a Mr. Dallinag has commited the worst crime possible. That's right, he touched an object at the museum that was labled 'DO NOT TOUCH'. I know, I know, try to hold back your tears of sorrow at such an evil action. If you happen to catch this criminal, we will give you a reward of approximately the same amount as the national debt.

- Commisoner Patrick C. Thist

 

 

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Be sure to check out this week's contributors:

Elmo 3000, Flashpenny, The Guardian, Woodyman

 

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