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Ask the Experts: The Wonderful World (Conquest) of Disney

6/24/12 5:20pm
tl;dr

Ask the Experts

 

Created by:

Dallinag

 

Questions written by:

bigjoe91 Dallinag Icipall

 

Today's Expert:

Digmbot

 

HOW YOU CAN HELP:

  1. Volunteer to be an expert in the comments below, the summer schedule page, or on my wall.
  2. Write a question you want asked on the show in the comments below.

Hello and welcome to Ask the Experts. I go by the moniker of Dallinag. Now, we all love Disney, right? The warmth and magic of this whimsical company created tons of heartfelt memories for generations to come. The only problem, those are all LIES!!! THE WALT DISNEY CORPORATION HAS BEEN PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION THIS ENTIRE TME!!! Don’t believe me?!? Well then check out this week’s answers, courtesy of Digmbot! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

 

Where do items go when you sell them to merchants? Why can't you get them back?

Merchants are, in fact, the vanguard of a demonic race that wishes to destroy the videogame universe. Instead of feeding on souls, these twisted beings take the shapes of harmless merchants in order to lure unsuspecting travelers/heroes/annoying emo kids with spiky hair into becoming their unwitting helpers. These demonic merchants actually consume items that are sold to them in order to increase their power. This is why you cannot reclaim said items. Once these foul beings have consumed enough items, they will have enough power to open the gates of Hell and their nightmarish brethren will overrun us all. Dear God people, stop selling things to merchants! You'll destroy us all!!!!

 

It has been over 25 years, but how come Mario still can't speak unaccented English?

Nintendo is all rainbows and kittens, right? WRONG. Shortly after Super Mario Bros. was released, Shigeru Miyamoto realized that the Mario franchise was a cash cow that Nintendo could milk for decades. Working with top Japanese engineers, he developed a cryogenic stasis system. After every game, the hapless plumber is forced into a sterile chamber and placed in a frozen slumber until Nintendo needs to make more money off of his sidescrolling adventures. For Mario, only 3 years have passed since the first game. Clearly, that’s not enough time to lose an accent. I also speculate being frozen and thawed out so many times may have caused some mild brain damage. He might not be capable of losing the accent anymore.

 

Why can't Valve count to three?

I've been waiting for Half Life 3 since I was in college. My Research Gnomes have discovered an interesting tidbit recently that sheds some light on its failure to appear: The number 3 is Gabe Newell's kryptonite. It's like Rumpelstilskin. If you say "three" in Gabe's presence, he will be sucked into a hellish alternate dimension, never to be seen again. Since the development process of Half Life 3 would certainly result in this happening, the game will never be made. Maybe they should just skip to Half Life 4?

 

How come when you destroy a block under another block, that other block doesn't fall?

The blocks in videogames are actually a reusable set of props designed by top engineers at NASA. To make transporting and positioning them easier, each block comes equipped with its own anti-gravity lifting system. Easy to transport, easy to arrange, and will not fall if something underneath it is destroyed. Genius! Now can I have my flying car they promised me back in the 1950s?

 

Why is it that the planet Sonic lives on is built like a rollercoaster?

Sonic's planet is actually an alternate reality. In this reality, Walt Disney became immensely powerful. As well know, power corrupts even the most pure hearted. Growing ever more ambitious, Disney began to expand Disney World. Soon after taking over the state of Florida, Disney launched an all-out war on the United States. With his army of Peter Pan jets and Mickey Mouse mechs, he was nigh unstoppable. After decades of fighting, the Disney Corporation finally claimed victory over its last foe, China. The world now firmly under Disney's dominion, the company set about remaking the world in its own image. Imagineers worked for centuries, but the end result is what you see in Sonic games. One gigantic Disney Theme Park.

 

And that’s our show. Good night, and remember, we’re always looking for exper- oops, I’ve almost forgotten something! As you all know, Ask the Experts is reaching its tenth episode, and to celebrate I’ll be having a 10th episode extravaganza in celebration of this series not crashing and burning yet. Not only will this be a celebration of Ask the Experts, but it’s also going to be a little ‘thank you’ to all of my subscribers. So, not only will there be double the amount of questions than there usually are on Ask the Experts, but also all of my subscribers who are available at the time will be experts on the show. If you’re not a subscriber but want to be on the special 10th episode, you can! All you have to do is subscribe by 12:00 a.m. EST on 6/29 and you can be on the show! So see you next time, and remember, we’re always looking for experts.
 

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