Bowser's "Giant" Problem

Posted on September 10, 2012 - 1:30pm by Jawbreaker Alumni


Is the King of the Koopas infected with a disease that has been in front of us the whole time?

Bowser is one the most memorable villains in video games to this day. He’s been beat down, stomped on, and thrown into lava more times than we can count and keeps coming back to fight another day. But the King of the Koopas has a secret disease that has consumed the great king. Ever notice how there are plenty of games where Bowser becomes a giant for no reason whatsoever? Yes ladies and gentlemen, Bowser has what I like to call…




Humegoliathitis is when one either consumes an unhealthy amount of mega mushrooms, consumes an unhealthy amount of magic pixie dust, or becomes addicted to becoming huge, so yes, Bowser is addicted to becoming a giant. This disease has spread to other video game heroes and villains such as the gods in the God of War series, the colossi from Shadow of the Colossus, even Mario himself has been infected with this disease. It’s the desire to become a giant and crush people that provoke many video game heroes and villains to catch this disease. What stops this disease depends on the hero or villain like time, lava, or getting beat up one too many times. But unlike most of those with Humegoliathitis, Bowser has had it since he was a child, a child I say! Let’s take a look at a few examples of Bowser’s addiction at work.





First, let’s start where it all began, Yoshi’s Island. Now Bowser was bad enough as a spoiled, rotten baby, but when Kamek used his magic to make Baby Bowser giant, it began Bowser’s addiction to becoming a giant. Even though he lost to Yoshi, it was clear that Baby Bowser wanted to become big again by any means necessary. Thanks to Kamek, (Kamek you fuck!) and his desperate attempt to keep the Koopa Clan alive, he doomed his leader to becoming addicted to getting big. Shame on you Kamek, now Bowser is too addicted to stop anytime soon because you made him a giant as a baby, and it’s become a normal thing to him now! Now not only is Baby Bowser a spoiled brat, but now he’s bigger than a freaking football field!





Let’s move on to Super Mario Sunshine next. We all know Bowser is in the game with Bowser Jr. When BJ heads towards Corona Mountain, we can assume that Bowser is waiting for us there. So you get to Corona Mountain, rocket up the clouds, and then finally see Bow-JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST, HOW THE HELL DID HE GET SO BIG?! Ok, I know it’s a video game, but between Yoshi’s Island and Super Mario Sunshine, what happened? There’s no way he could have gone from how big he was in Mario 64 to that monster in Sunshine, at least not without help. I’m going with Bowser sniffed some more of Kamek’s magic pixie dust.





Moving on to New Super Mario Bros. Wii and 2, Bowser’s Humegoliathitis comes crawling back in full force. In New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Kamek returns to aid Bowser in his addiction with his magic pixie dust in order to crush Mario, but in New Super Mario Bros. 2, Bowser has his own Koopalings give him some of their own magic dust! Shame on you Bowser, you’re so addicted to becoming huge that you have your own children aid you in getting huge, think of what kind of example you’re setting! It doesn’t help that your loyal minion Kamek gives you even more magic dust as well, what is he, your personal pixie dust dealer? Fortunately, falling into a large amount of lava cancels out the disease so, hooray for liquid hot magma?





Last but not least we move on to Super Smash Bros., which shows what happens when Bowser’s addiction gets out of control. In Super Smash Bros. Brawl, there’s no Kamek or Koopalings to give Bowser any assistance, unfortunately the smash ball exists. When Bowser obtains the power of the smash ball, the next two words that come to mind are Giga Bowser. This is Bowser using Humegoliathitis as max power because not only does he become bigger, his overall abilities improve, making Giga Bowser Bowser’s most dangerous and deadly form ever. All you can do is run as far away as you can, as Giga Bowser’s tirade only last for about thirty seconds, but boy are those thirty seconds the longest ever!





It’s quite clear that Bowser’s a lost cause since he’s had Humegoliathitis as a kid, I would say something like think of your children and the Koopa Clan, but now he’s coming after me! So as I’m running for my life here, I want to say that if you know a video game hero or villain that has Humegoliathitis, get them help ASAP before it’s too late. And for fuck’s sake, don’t let kids be infected, as once they’re infected, they’ve got it forever! So in conclusion, use those mega mushrooms wisely and avoid magic pixie dust because remember…



"Winners Don't Use Drugs!"



…Crap, crap, crap, crap, AAAAAAHHHHHH- Stomp! …Well, there’s my exercise for the day…


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