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DM-5 Reasons Why The PS Vita Sucks Ass

3/8/12 12:24pm

DM-5 Reasons Why The PS Vita Sucks Ass

 

Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

 

This is the Sony’s new handheld. It is the most powerful handheld on the market. You may hate it. You may love it. You might still be on the fence. Some of you are just waiting for the bigger games. Some of you are sticking with the 3DS. But for this blog, we are looking at why you don’t need this paperweight.

And lets face it, Sony’s venture into the handheld market hasn’t been a smooth one. The PSP had a lot of problems and in my opinion, the games are horrible. Only thing it did right was good rpgs. We won’t even talk about the horrible failure of the PS Go. All of this is going on while it competes in a market with the most successful handheld console, the Nintendo DS.

Yes, there is so much pressure placed on the shoulders of the PS Vita. It still is competing with the DS. It is in direct competition with the 3DS who has a leg up in the handheld market. This is despite the retail price of $249.99 for Wifi and $299.99 for the 3G model. It definitely has the odds against it. Why would you hate this handheld?

1 Library of Games

This can be the best thing for gamers. It can be the worst thing for gamers. Most of us don’t like playing on a 5-inch screen with small confined  buttons, d-pad, and dual analog sticks. And Some of us just don’t want anything to do with Playstation exclusives.

It is said to have the largest collection of launch titles for a handheld. The biggest in my opinion are Uncharted: Golden Abyss, WipEout 2048, Ninja Gaiden Sigma Plus, Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and Shinobido 2: Revenge of Zen. If you are like me, I don’t want to play a big game like UMVC3 with those controls or that small screen. Only one that is worthy is Golden Abyss and that is the one game I bought. All is right in the world when I put a bullet in some dude’s head.

But wait, there is also the PS Store and all its digital and indie titles. You can take your pick from the PS minis, the PSP games, PS3 crossovers, and PS Vita games that only see a digital release. What is the verdict on this? It’s a fail if you don’t give two shits for any of the games in the PS Store. The only saving grace is the SNK collection and Street Fighter Alpha 3 Max in the PS Store. Sony, where the hell is my 2D Sonic the Hedgehog!?

How bout games on the horizon? There is Street Fighter X Tekken, a new Call of Duty game, and Little Big Planet that interest me. But who knows what games will be announced for release in 2013. But right now, if you do not give a crap about these games. It’s a fail. I rather have SFxT and COD on the 52” flatscreen.

2 Battery Life

We are looking at the battery life. This thing is estimated to go for 3-5 hours of battery life. For some that go on 8-12 hour marathons, this is not good if you left your power cord at home while on a long trip. For myself, its rare for me to even play a game for 5 consecutive hours in one sitting.

This one I don’t know. If you’re far away from home and you get on a roll with Golden Abyss, problems may arrive. But I don’t think it’s the end of the world. What gamer really strays so far away from home where the PS Vita is your only source of entertainment? But curse you, Sony! Make me a fucking handheld with battery life of up to 12-16 hours!

3 Memory Cards

Okay now this is a real bitch for people on a budget. It’s a stupid business practice for companies to make proprietary stuff  to take our money. Give it fucking internal memory up to at least 8gbs! But there is no way around it. Your video games need a memory card just to play. But, this could be good since you have no limit to the memory space with movies, music, digital copies of video games, and game saves.  No! I still hate Sony!

You are stuck paying $19.99 for 4GB, $29.99 for 8GB, $59.99 for 16GB, and $99.99 for 32GB. Maybe we wouldn’t care if they weren’t so pricey, but Jesus Christ Sony! And they try make this okay by giving you a small discount on digital copies bought from the PS Store. 10% off or something like that.

Its not a crippling aspect of the console, but it sure hurts our wallets. Thanks Sony. How do you expect my mom and dad to get me a PS Vita now? They aren't made of money, you know!

4 No UMD PSP Rollover

This one pisses off quite a number of PSP owners with all their UMD games and movies. This is why proprietary mediums suck so much. Its one reason why I did not bother with the PSP. I knew it was a piece of crap—just go play Socom: U.S. Navy Seals Tactical Strike or Tom Clancy’s Endwar on the PSP. But Sony’s one good reason behind it, game cards and digital copies save on battery life. That has to count for something.

But if you want to play those games and movies on your Vita, YOU GOTTA BUY THEM AGAIN! There should be some kind of transfer method to get a digital copy on your Vita. But Sony tells you, “No I can’t do that, but you could give me more money then you can play them.” Those greedy assholes. But wait, why can’t you just keep playing your PSP? Who cares, Sony is still an asshole.

5 Gimmicky Stuff

Now we look at the gimmicky stuff like touch screen controls, a rear touch pad, and the gyroscope. For most of us we tell Sony, “don’t give me any new bullshit, just give me buttons and dual analog sticks.” Why do game developers continue to do shit like this?

In Golden Abyss, I can’t just solve mysterious, collect treasure, and shoot bad guys without them forcing me to climb shit, do charcoal rubbings or hold the back side of my Vita to a light bulb. They shoulda made a Resistance launch title for the Vita where it’s a no-brainer FPS where you run to point A to point B and shoot everything that moves. No! Sony has to make an Uncharted game that uses everything, the touch screen! The rear touch pad! The gyroscope! We should be glad it doesn’t have Kinect and 3D with the glasses!

Last Stage

I got my Vita launch day. I was there right when the doors opened to my town’s Walmart. Only me and another guy went to grab our wifi model and a copy of Uncharted: Golden Abyss. Despite what I said, Golden Abyss is still a lot of fun. Nathan Drake is a cool video game character. I am glad I grabbed Uncharted.

But when I grabbed a few PSP titles in the PS Store, I was reminded why I didn’t bother with the PSP and why I do not care for a lot of Playstation Exclusives. I did get Socom: U.S. Navy Seals Tactical Strike and Tom Clancy’s Endwar. My response was, “What the fuck Sony? I want my fucking money back.”

I just wanted one no-brainer FPS game where it’s about killing terrorizers. But no, I gotta wait for the COD game or Unit 13. But no, this hurts me and I’m extra cautious now if I wasn’t cautious enough before.

Sorry I used my best line at the beginning about women and their feelings. DM out.

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