The Gimpy Awards 2013 : Part 2.

Posted on January 8, 2014 - 2:50pm by The Stickman






Y'know, if you want to...


(Source : A Field in England)




Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyy again! Welcome to Part 2 of the 2013 Gimpy Awards, how are you liking it all so far? What's that? You think my opinions aren't worth shit? Well fuck you too! Anyhoo, yes, here we are again, back for more, this time we're looking at the Best and Worst of what the Big Screen offered us this year, once again we'll start with my awards, before then revealing the winners of the People's Choice votes in this category. Enjoy!



Best Opening.

DJAANGOooOOOoooOOO! (Django Unchained).

Kicking off the 2013 Movie portion of the Gimpy Awards with a film that for many actually came out in 2012 may prove a bit controversial, but I'm a Brit, and Django Unchained came out late in January of this year, missed the 2012 Gimpy Awards and is therefore a contender for this one. It's testament to how good the film is that it's managed to remain in my thoughts all year, even as I look back at all the great things 2013 as a whole had to offer. Quentin Tarantino is a odd man, to say the least, and his films are often hit and miss for me (Although more hit than miss), so when I sat down to watch Django, which is extensively a western, a genre I very rarely enjoy, I was skeptical as to whether or not it'd be worth my time. That said, the moment the opening credits started to roll and the the glorious main theme piped up, I knew that this was going to be a very good film indeed. It may not seem like much compared to previous winners such as The Dark Knight Rises, but an openings main purpose is to grab your attention and make you want to sit through a film that's only just begun, and Django Unchained managed that tenfold. Besides, how can you not love that opening theme? It's fucking epic! Crazy as he may be, Quentin sure knows his music, and this opening is proof of that, and also the best of the bunch this year.


2nd Place - The Heist (Trance).

3rd Place - LOUD NOISES (Gravity).



Best Dumb Movie.

Fast & Furious 6.

Whilst most movie awards focus purely on the best of the best, the smart, the slick and the daring, I as a 20 year old male nerd, like to also take some time to also give praise to the films that didn't try to break boundaries or change the world, but instead focused purely on entertainment and often stupendously enjoyable action set pieces. Basically, the dumb films, the Die Hard's of the world (Although not this years Die Hard, obviously), and these days you don't get much dumber than the Fast & Furious franchise, and you also don't get much more entertaining either. The sixth installment of the franchise with the world's oddest chronological order, Fast 6 follows in Fast 5's footsteps, which shifted the genre of the films from street racing thrillers to straight up action/heist films, to brilliant effect. The plot of this film is 'Fast Cars and Bad Guys, VROOOOM VROOOOM' and stars Mr No Hair, Michelle 'I always die in films' Rodriguez and Paul Walker, winner of the nonexistent Gimpy Award for 'Most Ironic Death'. Fast 6 a few record breaking moments, including the worlds worst British stereotype performance, Britain's only vending machine to produce purely American foodstuffs, and of course the world's longest runway, which is long enough to safely carry a plane going at hundreds of miles per hour in a straight line for about 20 minutes. It's dumb as fuck and the misportrayals of Britain are often rather annoying, but you can into a film like this expecting dumb shit, and that's what you get, but you also get kickass car chases, fight scenes and high octane stunts by the barrel-full, and that's what I like to see in a dumb action film! For many this award would go to Pacific Rim, which indeed was plenty dumb, but I felt the balance of 'dumb' to 'actually being enjoyable' was a bit askew, and therefore the Fast franchise wins its second Dumb Movie award. I can't wait to see where Paul Walker and the gang take the films next....oh....


2nd Place - Pacific Rim.

3rd Place - Evil Dead.



Best Animated Film.

Monsters University.

Sadly 2013 wasn't a particularly strong year for animated films, at least ones that were actually shown at the bloody cinema. Although I've heard great things about Ernest and Celestine, The Wind Rises and The Congress, none of those made it into British cinemas, and whilst Frozen was very much a mainstream animated film, I'm not big on musicals so I've yet to see it. After 2012's bumper assortment of animated offerings, mainly stop motion, it feels a bit dull to settle for one of two films I actually saw in the cinema, with a foreign release I saw on TV a few weeks ago, 'King of Pigs' taking the 3rd place purely out of being the 3rd one I've seen this  year, but I think Monsters University would have been a close contender for the award regardless of how busy the year had been, because it's bloody good. Whilst I found Wreck-it-Ralph (Which like Django Unchained, came out in 2013 here in the UK) to be rather overrated and often far too annoying to consider good, Monsters University not only won over me this year, but it's also won over the original Monsters Inc, of which this is a prequel to in the personal rankings of Pixar films. The film follows Mike and Sulley as they meet for the first (possibly second) time at the eponymous University, where they're both attempting to get a degree in Scareology (Which I just made up) so they can work at Monsters Incorporated, where they scare the children of our world in order to create power for theirs. Things don't go the way they anticipate though, and the film takes numerous surprising twists and turns, with the final act in particular being surprisingly dark and, at least for me, someone who recently dropped out of University, very emotional. Beyond that it's also rather funny, and often beautiful to look at, making returning to the original film a rather troubling practice due to the advancements in CGI allowing for less creepy and more loveable character models. Monsters University was a return to form for Pixar, and with 2014 being the first year in recent memory to lack a film release from the studio, a great standing point for the company. I'm not sure why this film didn't get higher reviews and attention, but I've made sure that it gets its fair dues right here at the Gimpy Awards.


2nd Place - Wreck-it-Ralph.

3rd Place - King of Pigs.



Best Film nobody saw.

The Place Beyond the Pines.

I think I'm right in saying that it's very much clear that the numerous higher ups of the numerous awards shows/sites are actually Goldfish, in that they fail to remember any film from the past year that didn't come out in November, which is considered the period of time in which all the 'contenders' are released. That's a shame, because by being so closed minded, you miss out all the great films that came out towards the start or middle of the year, in this instance, The Place Beyond the Pines, an epic, generation spanning crime drama which tells a tale of the choices we make and the consequences they can have on the people we love. It's a truly engrossing, memorable film with a strong cast of talented actors, all working to the best of their abilities to create a believable, engaging experience, which, paired with the expert directing/cinematography, is accomplished with ease. To go too much into the details of the story would be to spoil it for potential viewers, but needless to say it goes in unexpected, but very much welcome directions, creating one of the most unique films of its genre I've ever seen. It's a shame that films like this that aren't released towards the back end of the year tend to get overlooked and I'm pretty certain Place Beyond the Pines will not get a single look in at the Oscars or BAFTA's in a few months time, even though I consider it a better film than a lot of the possibles that I have seen, and even enjoyed. So, do yourself a favour, look past it not being part of the awards season hype, and give this film a watch, it makes for some tremendous, powerful viewing.


2nd Place - A Field in England.

3rd Place - N/A.



Best Character.

Dr King Schultz (Django Unchained).

Uh-Oh! Django Unchained claims yet another award, much the chagrin of American readers I'm sure, but rules and rules, and I think we can all agree that by those rules, this is a well deserved win for the western epic. Christoph Waltz is a exceptional actor, and Quentin Tarantino seems to know how to best utilize his skills. In 2010 he walked off with the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Hans Lada, the mad, cruel but memorable Nazi officer in Inglorious Bastards and this year he walked off with yet another of those awards for his portrayal of Dr King Schultz, a far more likeable, but no less bonkers character. Taking the supporting lead from the very start to towards the end of the film, Dr King is by far the most memorable of the wacky cast of characters that make up Django Unchained, he's funny, likeable, smart, mad and best of all, not a massive fucking racist like every other white person in the film. Right from the very start, King takes Django under his wing and raises/teaches him like a father would, turning him from uneducated slave, to a no nonsense bounty hunter, 'the faster gun in the south'. When you feel a sense of disappointment when your time with a character comes to an end, you know the film's done a good job of making you like him/her, and Dr King is one of my favourite movie characters for quite some time.


2nd Place - Gary King (The World's End).

3rd Place - Dr Ryan Stone (Gravity).



Best Soundtrack.


I'll be honest here, this and Django were at a dead heat, but I decided to give the award to Trance because it deserves the award anyway, but also because it allows me to talk a little about a film that isn't Django Unchained, and as such not a film most people watched in 2012 anyway. So, yes, Trance! Trance was the latest film from British director Danny Boyle, a director known for including varied, but pitch perfect soundtracks to his films and whilst Trance may not be on the same level as some of his other musical offerings (The Beach, 28 Days Later, 127 Hours), a less than perfect Danny Boyle soundtrack is still a damn site better than what most films can offer these days. Trance has a mixture of OST music and licensed, with British electronic band Underworld doing the main score, with the licensed tunes coming from all eras and genres, which sounds like a car crash waiting to happen, but works to great effect throughout the films bonkers, surreal narrative.Django Unchained's soundtrack was similarly great but I have to deduct some points because a lot of its best tracks (DJAANNGOOOO) are not original so much as paying homage to classic westerns of the past. Trance may use licensed music to great effect, but it also has a licensed score which feels far more inventive and fresh than Quentin Tarantino can offer. Trance is a crazy film, and the music complements that perfectly.


2nd Place - Django Unchained.

3rd Place - Man of Steel.



Best Movie Moment. *SPOILERS*


I'm sure by now a lot of people are wondering why Gravity hasn't won more awards, it's the one on everyone's mind right now, and the last best hope for sci-fi fans in terms of achieving academy recognition later in 2014, and I loved it very much why hasn't it won more awards? Urr...because I liked other films more? It's pretty straight forward, there were a lot of great films this year, and Gravity was just one of them. That said, spectacle is one thing the film does very well, and as such has found itself easily taking the award for Best Moment, of which there were many to be had throughout the course of the high octane thriller, but I've chosen to go for the first set-piece because that's when the roller coaster really begins, and naturally when you start to realize what you've got yourself into. After a 15-20 minute or so establishing sequence with sets the tone, location and establishes the lead characters, Gravity throws you, quite literally into the deep end as poor old Ryan Stone finds herself being catapulted into the void of space after a shower of debris tears the group of astronauts' shuttle to shreds. After a rather laid back, but nonetheless stunning opening, the shit hits the fan and hits it hard, creating one of the smoothest, most memorable action movie set-pieces for quite some time. There are tons of other great sequences similar to this, and it's a great film through and through, but this is the first out the gate, and like your first ejaculation, it's the one you remember the most....urr....sorta.


2nd Place - Bring it to Me (Trance).

3rd Place - Crashing like Thunder (The Place Beyond the Pines).




Worst Movie Moment. *Spoilers*

Karaoke Time! (Only God Forgives).

WHAT. EXCUSE ME. WHAT? If you've sat through Only God Forgives, the newest film from Drive (Gimpy Award 2011 winner for Best Film) director Nicolas Winding Refn, those are the words that would be going through your mind upon reaching the end, which rivals Under the Dome on a sheer level of underwhelming payoff to already wasted time. In case you aren't aware, Only God Forgives is a surreal, ultraviolent arthouse crime film starring.................................Ryan Gosling as an unintentional parody of his character from Drive. You follow him and his stripper loving, chain smoking mother on a quest for revenge after his brother is murdered by a mysterious policemen who carry's a katana and has penchant for Karaoke, as all people in Thailand, the setting of the film, do. After sitting through an hour and a half of mostly incoherent filmmaking, what does the film end on? A unexplained shot of Ryan getting his arms chopped off, and then Sword Cop (As titled by g1 MadHero) awkwardly singing some Karaoke as the credits begin to roll, cue angry filmgoers leaving the cinema wondering why they didn't go watch something else instead. Only God Forgives is a film of ups and downs, mainly downs, but the ending really takes the cake in that it's both stupid, and makes no fucking sense. Given this is a standalone film it's ridiculous to end it without any sense of conclusion, and that's not even in a ambiguous way, it just doesn't have a fucking ending. TRY. HARDER.


2nd Place - Avatar Explodes (Man of Steel).

3rd Place - Name-Call-Off Ending (Wreck-it-Ralph).



Most Anticipated of 2014.

The Lego Movie.

I'm a silly sausage, really. There are so many great looking films coming out across 2014, Interstellar...the new Christopher Nolan film, a brand new Godzilla film, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Boxtrolls, all sorts...and what is the film I'm most excited for next year? The fucking Lego Movie. It's going to suck, I knoooow...but...I can't...heeelp but be stupidly excited to see it! My childhood was three things, video games, Aardman Animation, and Lego, and that included everything from Johnny Thunder, to Bionicle (Mmmm...Bionicle...), my bedroom is overflowing with pieces of fucking plastic of all shapes, sizes and colours, and I can't even say it's just stuff from when I was a kid either, I've got Lego I bought less than a month ago in here, fuck, I got a Lego Advent Calendar for christs sake! Lego means so much to me, and to see it making its big screen debut, and to see how true it is to the look and personality of the toys...nnghh...I just...I just can't wait to see it in the cinema! They could have gone in so many directions with this film, it could have been a shitty attempt at making the world of Lego 'real' like in the Bionicle movies (Mmmm, Bionicle...), it could have been a live action film about the power of imagination or some bullshit like that...but no...this is a Lego movie set in a Lego world using actual models and characters from the sets, done in a faux stop motion style just like I used to make when I was a wee Lizard. It's gonna be silly, it'll most likely be a let down but...this film means a huge deal to me on numerous levels, I simply cannot wait to watch it myself, and even if it does suck still looks damn pretty, and it will still feature many familiar faces from my childhood, and that's something I can't wait to see.


2nd Place - Interstellar.

3rd Place - Godzilla.



Worst Movie.

Only God Forgives.

Here is the story of a crazy director who made a little film called 'Drive'. Drive was a great film and a surprise hit, although only making a modest splash at the box office, it has since gone on to become a cult smash and as such, said crazy director had a bit of money and influence to splash around. So that director decided to try and make the film of his dreams, starring his bestest boyfriend Ryan Gosling and thus...Only God Forgives was born...and what a huge shame that such a piece of shit was birthed from one of my favourite films of recent memory. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a purely terrible film, in fact it's one of the prettiest films I've seen all year, every frame is oozing with detail and colour, it's a treat for the eyeballs from start to finish, and it carries with it a constant, brooding sense of dread and menace, also somehow managing to keep your interest for the majority of the mostly nonsensical narrative through feel and look alone. That said, it's by far the worst movie I've seen this year, even worse than the latest Die Hard film which instead of attempting to surpass the dizzying action heights of Die Hard 4, instead just settled for a dull, bland mess, whilst also replacing Bruce Willis with a soulless android copy of him. Only God Forgives is a bad film because it makes no fucking sense, things happen for no reason and are often never explained or talked about again, a very clear concept of 'art before story' if I ever saw one, and as I've previously mentioned, it has one of the worst endings to a theatrical film I've seen since The Birds. On top of all that, it's just such a huge let down for the follow up to Drive to be so bad...I love Drive, and I was so eager to see what the Refn/Gosling pair could come up with next, and this is what I got... *Sigh*...Oh well...nevermind...guess I'll....just masturbate silently to the opening of Drive again...


2nd Place - A Good Day to Die Hard.

3rd Place - N/A.



Best Movie.


Surprise! Well, obviously this isn't a surprise for me, but I'm guessing it may be for you guys. In a year that brought us Quentin Tarantino's best film to date, and a action packed sci-fi roller coaster that's won the hearts of most film nerds across the globe, I've gone and picked Inception's dirty British cousin as my pick for the best film that 2013 had to offer. Trance, the latest film from Danny Boyle, who recently blew the collective world away with his Olympic Opening Ceremony back in Summer of 2012, seemingly attempts to be everything that uplifting promotion for modern, cultural Britain has to offer wasn't, namely grimy, twisted, violent and often alarmingly explicit. We follow Simon Newton, a art auctioneer with a serious gambling debt who gets in with the wrong crowd whilst attempting to pay his debts back, ends up getting a serious head injury during a botched art heist, and soon finds himself undergoing hypnosis in an attempt to discover the location of the stolen painting he's seemingly hidden, pretty swiftly tumbling down a rabbit hole of manipulation and danger where he isn't sure what's real, and who he can actually trust. It's a mindfuck of a film, and features a lot of surreal, often jawdroppingly explicit sequences, which is bound to happen when you start pawing through the mind of a twisted adult male but is rarely covered in films such as Inception, indeed this film offers a far more realistic portrayal of the human mind, in that it's often something you can't really control or guide down a certain path. Nontheless, Trance is a brilliant film, with a truly unique premise full of twists and turns that will leave you constantly second guessing what's happening on the screen, in a good way of course. It's not perfect, like I said before some of the music is a bit hit and miss, and there are some weaker moments, but when all's said and done Trance is a hugely satisfying, original experience with a great payoff and tons of memorable moments, and it's my favourite film of 2013.


2nd Place - Django Unchained.

3rd Place - The Place Beyond the Pines.




People's Choice.



Best Movie.

Gravity and Frozen (3 Vote Tie).

In the g1 Community there are clearly two types of film-goers, there's the one's who like to watch high concept original Sci-Fi movies, and the one's who like to watch Disney animated musicals. Neither are wrong, obviously...both of the films that tie for the Best Movie award are critically acclaimed and much enjoyed, Gravity being a breathtakingly thrilling rollercoaster of a experience, Frozen being a well animated, engaging family film with (apparently) a whole host of catchy songs to boot. Now I've not seen Frozen, and I may never do, musicals aren't my sorta thing if I'm honest, but I have seen Gravity, so I can certainly vouch for that one's inclusion, even if I don't consider it the best flick of 2013 personally. As you can see this was a close fight, with Django and the second, brilliant Hobbit movie tieing in 2nd with just one vote under the top position each, but thankfully (for the layout of my blog) they didn't quite make it. Obviously it's hard for me to talk in great detail about Frozen given I haven't seen it, and it's therefore unfair of me to lavish attention purely on Gravity, so I'll just say that these are some good picks that show the diversity of you, the cinema-going g1's interests.


2nd Place - Django Unchained and The Hobbit : Desolation of Smaug (2 Vote Tie).

Total Category Votes - 19.




Worst Movie.

Movie 43 (4 Votes).

OH DEAR, well there wasn't much of a fight this year, was there? Possibly one of the weirdest, worst films ever made, Movie 43 is offensive just for existing, I dare not ponder how bad it must be for the 4 people who've (HOPEFULLY, GIVEN THEY VOTED FOR IT) seen it. This is a bizarre production that, obviously I, and most sane people haven't seen, but if the review from the poor people who had no choice but to see it are anything to go by, then this is a deserving win for Movie 43. Playing out lot a feature length sketch show of many terrible, often offensive 'comedy' set ups starring scores of well known, generally likeable actors such as Hugh Jackman, Gerald Butler, Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant, all of whom were roped into doing this low budget piece of shit via various favours and dodgy backdoor deals, spent a day or so working on the shoot, and then moved on with their lives, hoping this wouldn't ever see the light of day. Sadly, it did, and features everything from a foul mouthed leprechaun, an abusive home-schooling family, a man with testicles for a chin, a music player with a naked women inside and people dealing with a girls first period. Naturally, people were very surprised to hear this was one of the worst theatrical films ever released....OH WAIT, no they weren't, this is, was and also will suck major dick, and won this category with ease.


2nd Place - Scary Movie 5, A Good Day to Die Hard and Man of Steel (2 Vote Tie).

Total Category Votes - 16.


That's Part 2 out the way! Join me on Friday for the 3rd and final portion of this year's Gimpy Awards, covering all things Gaming, the prestigious 'Biggest Cunt' Award, my Best Thing of the 2013, and of course, your final People's Choice winners! See you then! Later Gators!

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