Gritty Reboot

2/4/13 2:32pm

tl;dr

You know what? Everything needs a gritty reboot. Even gritty reboots need a gritty reboot and a gritty reboot for that too on top of that if you want more gritty reboot in your gritty reboot. When your favorite franchise is aging, you're going to want sex, drugs, and tons of gore to make that shit watchable for audiences living in the 21st century. You know how much better would Ninja Turtles be if you added sex and drugs to it? Like, 200 percent better.

Here, I detail my visions for gritty reboots for ailing franchises, even though all of them are still pretty successful and making lots of money as we speak. Your childhood will thank you for my genius, the children of today will learn the messages of what it means to suffer, and the entertainment industry will be ripe with 1000+ reboots a month, with most of them to be helmed by Christopher Nolan or maybe Michael Bay if we stop giving a shit.

Guys, prepare your frail bodies for Alpha's greatness!

Mario Bros.

This ain't so Super, but they're all we got.

It's 1985 in a parallel universe, where the most powerful continent on Earth, the Mushroom Kingdom, has started both a great economic depression and a third world war after the stock market crashed, chancellor Bower Koopa subsequently rose through the ranks of Mushroom Kingdom's monarchy and overthrew the Mushroom King and his daughter Peach. Soon after, he recruited Eastern nations like Germany and Japan to his side and took the lives of millions of Toadish, seeing them inferior to the Kooparian race.

Two artificially created men known simply as "Mario" and "Luigi" are sent in with American army troops to give help to European armies to take down Bowser's campaign. The brothers infiltrate the King's castle, but are captured, given hallucinogens known as "mushrooms" which put them in odd fantasies, which may be the undoing of the Koopa tryant.

Pac-Man

If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!

Officer Pack Manne was just your average cop. But like all stories that start with the average, abnormalities form and the course of the story grows bizarre, mysterious, but curiously riveting as Officer Manne is sent to take down a cult known as "The Ghosts". When he investigates, he spies on them and finds that they have successfully fufilled a prophecy that has made them invincible murderers. The tome contained a secret that could turn the tide into his favor...

The tome contained a spell that transformed him into Pac-Man, a hero who's desire to save humanity is resting in...The power of his hunger!

Call of Duty

#yolo

Angry Birds

Makin' bacon the angry way

For thousands of hears, humans were Earth's dominant species. They rose from the dirt of Africa and became an unstoppable force that innovated in art, science, and philosophy. No other creature had made such an impact before in the known galaxy, but overtime, their progress progressed too fast, their steep population and their innovations in biological and technical warfare had brung their downfall, and the world became dull and interesting as intelligent life no longer occupied it...But God always had a fiesty imagination, and larger events were to happen.

Out of the ashes of humanity, domesticated animals rose, but none had more success than the pigs and the birds, who themselves progressed rather quickly, and world hunger became an epidemic thereafter. Forced to eat each other, the two factions had a stagnant battle until the birds had created an invention that would bring their total victory...

The slingshot.

Tetris

The odds are stacked against you

In a dystopian future where humanity has lost all touch with nature and humanity itself didn't feel so human. Alexey Pajitnov, a Russian inventor has uncovered the mystery that every major corporation is now owned by an even bigger evil corporation who has now owned most of the world, unbeknownst to the general public of the world. This seemed like the end of truth, justice, and all that virtue, but not all was lost, and the power was in Alexey's hands.

Pajitnov has started a revolution amongst the world's people, and has created a device known simply as "Tetris" which can spontaneously spawn blocks from the air into the ground, adding valuable structures to protect everyone from projectile fire, and of course, clear the many buildings and walls using the force that only a giant block from the air could.

The only thing needed now is quick thinking and strategy to end the drought of democracy that mankind has grown thirsty for.

Pokemon

Choose your monster, catch your destiny.

In a world where animals were more than just animals, Pokemon have been used for many real-world uses to great benefit. Everybody everwhere was in harmony with Pokemon, but there was an illegal bloody sport rising in popularity that changed the course of many lives: Pokemon battling.

Red, an ex-convict, was recently released from prison, attempted to better himself and atone for his past wrongdoings, but unfortunately for him, it's all come back to haunt him. His affiliation with a gang known as Rocket has pulled him back into crime where he is now part of the underground Pokemon fighting league, which is slowly pulling him back into the life he was trying to avoid. With no hope and no family, this is all he's got to make it out there, even it wasn't morally sound.

What will Red do in a Pokemon world that will not forgive him? Continue fighting, but how?

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I have a couple more ideas for reboots, but I'm saving them for later because if I posted more, I just wouldn't have as much future material to satisfy you guys. Quality takes time if you're unable to shit out and take time to create good stuff in the speed of a heart beat. Like, c'mon man, not only does it take time put things out, I gotta have...Inspiration to build up (yeah, that's it). To put it frankly, I'm a jerk and I'm keeping on disc blog DLC as filler for later. I'll try to have more reboots in the next one. Double as many.

Erm...Also, I'd like to say good bye to Ben Littlejohn who was a ScrewAttack intern or something like that. I really don't know. He's joining the navy soon, so uh, hat's off to him. I hope his experience is as funky as this: