Lauren Moore, Queen of Cats Part 1: Rise of the felines

Posted on June 19, 2012 - 12:32pm by Jawbreaker Alumni


Read this horrific tale, IF YOU DARE!

 Hello, boys and girls! Sit down, grab a bag of popcorn, and enjoy this tale of a thousand hairballs. This is the story of one woman's rise to global domination with her army of felines. This is the story of Lauren Moore, Queen of Cats.


In the sunbaked state of Texas, the video game website ScrewAttack stands proudly with its diverse group of staff. And within that staff is one woman with a thirst for power and destruction, Lauren Moore. Now, Lauren gets made fun of all of the time by the rest of the ScrewAttack crew because of her love for cats. In fact, the crew has nicknamed her "the crazy cat lady" because she loves cats so much. Lauren despises this and sometimes kicks some of them in the nuts, especially Nick, Jared, and Chad. Little do they know that Lauren is planning to conquer the world by assembling an army of cats to help her in her quest. Whenever she goes home, she discusses her plans with her cat, Olivia, and creates blueprints of her plans showing very graphics things I can't tell you here. She looks into Olivia's eyes and says, "One day Olivia. One day we will have our chance, and when it comes, ScrewAttack and the world won't know what hit them! BWAHAHAHAHA!"


Now in the previous months, Jared, Chad, and Nick have given Lauren a lot of shit by mocking her, so far to take a picture of the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, and photoshop her head on the crazy cat lady. Jared and Nick would just make fun of her constantly on her by telling terrible jokes, "Hey Lauren, how did your date go last night?" "Oh, it was fine, thank you." "Really, because we thought your date ran away at the sight of being given a bath! HA HA HA HA HA!" while Chad would just troll her in any game he could. And if it had a cat in it, guess what, it was gone. Chad would rescue a bunch of cats and then feed them to a bunch of dogs, just so he could see the look on her face when they eaten. And if that wasn't enough, Chad would constantly tell her that her love for cats will turn her into a crazy cat lady. And even though she wanted to claw though their skulls, Lauren kept her cool.


But then came "The accident". This would be the thing that would drive her to her conquest. One day, while Lauren was away from her computer, Nick decided to just fuck around and started to mess with her computer. While he was doing this, he accidentaly erased all of her pictures of her cat, Olivia. When she saw what happened she went insane screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" "I'm sorry Lauren, I didn't mean it at all! But it's just a stupid cat, so who cares?!"  "JUST A STUPID CAT?! Ok Nick, i'll remember that." As soon as she got home, she stormed in getting her blueprints ready and looked at Olivia and said, "Olivia, tonight is the night! Tonight, we begin our plans to rule the world!" Suddenly, she hears a voice that says, "Kill them all." Lauren looks around, trying to figure out if she's hearing voices in her head, but then she turns to Olivia and Olivia says, "Kill them all." Shocked, Lauren goes, "Holy shit, you can talk?" "Yes Lauren, and I have been taking notice of your plans. We don't have to stand for this. It is time for cats-no, it is time for felines around the world to stand and fight! So scream the war cry of the felines and let your army grow!"


Lauren did just that and stood on top of her house and yelled the war cry. Around the world, the members of the feline family stopped whatever they were doing and followed the source of the war cry. Not too long after that, the number of felines that arrived at her house instantly grew from hundreds to thousands. Olivia turned to her and said, "Now that you have your army ready, it is time to launch our attack!" Lauren stood up and said, "For too long, we have been the butt of everyone's joke! Getting called crazy cat ladies, hairballs and kitty litter, it all ends now! We will train and prepare for the day we launch our attack! And no one, and I mean no one will stop us!" And with that, Lauren roared the war cry of the felines and her future soldiers followed. Now with Olivia at her side, and a large and strong army behind her, Lauren trained her future soldiers and began preparing for...the purrfect revolution.



To be continued!

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