Editor's Note: There's sure plenty of interesting ... and unexpected choices here. Nice work Lime Cat!
Yeah, so here I am. Once again, it’s been a while since I posted anything to the site. With the new updates live and running, I figured it’d be time to make something again. Or something. So here I am with another Top Ten list that’s been done thousands of times. “But why should I read yours?” you ask? The answer is simple, really. I’m me and I’m pretty much a badass in my own right. But I’m going to try to spice things up a bit: my definition of a badass isn’t some Hulk of a man that does incredible things all the time, it’s someone who does incredible things all the time when they wouldn’t be expected to be able to pull them off. Or they put an amazing spin on being a human being. You know, that kind of thing. Some entries on this list may seem to contradict that, so we’ll see how well I can weasel my way out of those. And as always, after you read, feel free to leave comments and criticism below. I’m listening. Not like I’m doing anything else tonight.
Ah yes, look at that adorable motherfucker. We’re probably all familiar with him. Hopefully, being one of Nintendo’s biggest franchises and one of the most popular Smash Bros. characters. But what makes him badass? Sure, you could say it’s the fact he swallows his enemies whole and then proceeds to drain the very essence of their existence to steal their powers. Also, with a certain game on the Nintendo 64 as evidence, he knows how to use a light saber. But that’s not where I think his badassery comes from. No, it’s the fact that he just kind of wanders into his adventures. Think about it: has there really been many times where Kirby actually meant to go on a heroic quest? He just kind of happens to be in the right place at the right time and just goes with it. The guy isn’t fazed by a thing.
All right, now this may get complicated. Anyone who has played Pokemon for more than two generations can tell you a Pokemon’s looks is a horrible judge of its power. Awesome looking Pokemon can fall flat, while terrible looking ones can be a godsend. So where does Daemanitan fall? Well, look at him. He looks like he’ll tear you a new asshole. And he is one of the few Pokemon that actually fits its looks. Let me give you a crash course: In Pokemon, there’s something called STAB, or the Same Type Attack Bonus. Whenever you use an attack that is the same type as the Pokemon using it, it gets a boost in power. Darmanitan also has an ability called Sheer Force. With this, attacks that have secondary effects (such as causing status afflictions) have that effect removed in favor of a ridiculous boost in power. Now a final bit of information: Darmanitan is a Fire type, and every Fire type move can cause a burn. This means that every single Fire type move Darmanitan uses is boosted by over 80%. Damn.
Now, this is one of those entries I had a hard time putting on the list. I mean, he does go off and does amazing things pretty much all the time. But where Nate really gets his charm from is his humor.... and the fact that he’s kind of a dick. You see, he will make a joke about anything. Even when he mows down a small army of men, he never runs out of one-liners. He will continue to bust them out until every goddam man in the room is dead. And even then he doesn’t stop. But on top of that: this guy is pretty fucking fit. Jumping all over the place, hanging off the tiniest details of a wall… this guy must have some kind of crazy training regimen.
Okay, so Kanji is here and can do all sorts of craaazy things. First, let’s start off by saying he can summon a giant mecha with a skull pattern on it. But that’s not where his most badass trait comes from. In fact, there is just one thing so badass about him that he gets elevated on to this list. You see, like most JRPGs, Persona 4 has a guard command. Most characters who use this will hold up their weapons in a defensive stance. Kanji will eventually use shields as his weapons. So, he uses his shield to defend, right? HAHA, NOPE. Kanji doesn’t seem to give that much of a fuck, as instead of doing the logical thing, he puts his shield down and simply crosses his arms in front of his face. How amazing.
So, when Sackboy isn’t exploring the world and saving creativity, what is he doing? Making his own levels of course. Which reveals something: Sackboy is basically a god. He can create and manipulate objects and physical matter out of thin air, bend reality to his will and even create life. If some sort of super villain had this power, we’d be fucked. Just be glad Sackboy is so adorable. Also, he still has all these powers, no matter how much of a terrible costume is made for him.
OMG TRAVIS IS JUST LIKE US. I MEAN HE LIKES ANIME AND VIDEO GAMES BUT HE KILLS PEOPLE I WISH I COULD DO THAT WITH AS MUCH STYLE AS HE DOES! No, but seriously, this guy. He’s in a national league of assassins that for some reason is completely contained in one city. He kills people for sport with some extreme style. Part of his style? Well, killing people gets a lot of blood on your clothes. So Travis goes out and buys new, RADICAL AND AWESOME clothes with the money he just earned by literally killing a ton of people. Which makes me wonder: how is Santa Destroy still populated with Travis running around? Is being a mook for a boss a legitmate career in Santa Destroy? The world may never know.
Okay, so here we have a robot boy with a gun for a hand. That’s pretty cool, but the reality is that Mega Man is pretty much a weapon of mass destruction. He can copy any tool (nuclear bomb) just by studying it, and then replicate it to use for himself. It’s pretty much his token ability. If that wasn’t bad enough, he actually has some degree of free will. So all he really has to do is wake up one day and decide he hates humanity and he can then proceed to set the Earth ablaze in the ironic flames of humanity’s own creations.
If you’ve never heard of Metal Wolf Chaos, I don’t blame you. It never made it across Japanese shores. But even if it did, you still probably wouldn’t have heard of it. But that’s not the point. When the President of the United States learns of a possible nuclear attack, what might they do? If you said “Invade a neighboring country for oil”, congratulations, you’re not funny. If you said “Protect the country”, congratulations, you’re rational. However, Michael Wilson takes a more… direct approach. Instead of sending in an army to fight a war, he hops into his GIANT GODDAM ROBOT SUIT and takes on an army all on his own. Oh yeah, and he is totally a part of a giant robot battle in space. Fucking awesome.
Hey, Gordon Freeman is a nerd just like us, we’re so similar except for the graduating from MIT and becoming the savior of humanity. Yeah, he fought the military (multiple branches) all on his own, caused the complete destruction of an entire alien race, and liberated an entire enslaved city. But what makes him so cool… is his determination. He does not stop. In fact, through official materials released by Valve, it is revealed Gordon got into all this trouble on his second day of work. And yet, you navigated his way through areas of his facility he never had any reason to enter, and even conquered an alien planet.
Now, I could go corny and say “You’re the most badass because YOU ARE ALL OF THESE PEOPLE,” but I like to think of myself as a little higher than that. I’m going to get corny by saying something else entirely. You’re the biggest badass in gaming because not only are you all of the above, but because of your determination. It’s because you never gave up, no matter how hard the challenge was. It’s because whenever you pick up a controller, you are the hero. It’s because you kept on fighting until you won. It’s because… you beat Predator on the NES.
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