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The Many Types of Gamer

7/4/12 3:54am
tl;dr

 NOTHING IN THE HAPPY GO LUCKY WORLD OF THE MATRIX IS SACRED

 Nintendo Fan

Decription: Naive gamers who are satisfied with a unique library, but are often left hungering for mainstream tastes that their underpowered machines cannot bear. 

 Favorite games: Mario series, Zelda series, Xenoblade, SNES Final Fantasys, Metroid series, Star Fox series, Super Smash Bros, Kirby, Pokemon, Elite Beat Agents, Donkey Kong, Brain Age, Nintendogs, WarioWare, F-Zero, Almost anything Rareware has made before Microsoft bought them out, Anything Retro Studios will ever make ever in the future. EVER.

May Quote:

  • It's not about HD graphics, it's about the gameplay!
  • Majora's Mask is probably the best game ever. 
  • I have wasted like 400 hours playing each of my Pokemon games.
  • Other M wasn't that bad.
Sony Fan

Description: The most snobby console gamers of all.  They take pride in things to do better, and rub it in everyone elses' faces. What they do worse is what they stay mum about.  

Favorite games: PS1 Crash Bandicoots, Parappa the Rappa, Killzone, Final Fantasy 7-10, Resistance, Jak and Daxter, Spyro, Ratchet and Clank, LittleBigPlanet,Gran Turismo, Uncharted, Sly Cooper, Shadow of the Colossus, Ico,  KATAMAWI DAMASHEE

May quote:

  • What you do, we do better.
  • The fucking Move wasn't a failure...It wasn't! Admit it!
  •  I have like, 3 PSP Gos.
  • Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray. Blu Ray.
Microsoft Xbox Fan

Description: Racist, homophobic redneck males (approximately age 12) who most likely pay for a service that should've been free in the first place. They usually ignore the lack of 1st party games because they play way too much Call of Duty anyway.

Halo, Gears of War, Call of Duty,

May Quote:

  • LOL
  • I sure raped that fucking faggot noob last night. Stupid (N-word)!
  • Fucking shit. I ran out of Netflix.
  • Marty, we're going over to Eric's house tomorrow. Don't forget the Mountain Dew.
Retro Gamer

Description: Bitterpeople who are stuck in the past. They are often unimpressed with modern innovations and advancements. 

Favorite games: Pong, Space Invaders, Pac-Man, Galaga, Yar's Revenge, Donkey Kong, Pitfall!!, Punch-Out!!, Zelda 1-Link's Awakening, Pokemon Red and Blue, Mega Man 1-6, Contra, Sonic 2, Street Fighter II, Dragon Quest, Final Fantasys 1, 4, 6, Duck Hunt, Castlevania.

May quote:

  • The classics do it better.
  • All that innovation is useless. I'd rather play on my Genesis.
  • Games today lack challenge.
  • Emulators aren't the fucking same.
Mobile Gamer

Description: People who only have 5 minutes at a time to play anything.

Favorite games: Tetris, Angry Birds, Pac-Man, Cut the Rope, Fruit Ninja...(Fuck it, I'll get back to this later. I know nussing about mobile gamers)

May quote:

  • My niece likes it.
  • The simplicity is the best part.
  • Hey, a touch screen is just as good as buttons--
  • --Okay, not really.
Casual Gamer

Description: They know nothing. Nothing.

Favorite games: Everything the mobile gamers likes, Just Dance, Wii Sports, Dance Dance Revolution, Fitness gamer #254, Dance Central-- I refuse to continue this list. 

May quote:

  • Dude, go easy on me, I don't know the controls.
  • I don't play video games that much.
  • I must've wasted an hour playing Angry Birds.
  • Dance Central has to be like, the best game ever. 
Windows PC Gamer

 Description: The so called "Master gaming race".  They have the cheapest games, yet at the same time, have the best graphics and are among the most hardcore of the hardcore gamers. Their arrogance surpasses even that of the Sony fans, which is actually saying a lot. Way more than you think. 

 Favorite games: Team Fortress 2, Half-Life 1 and 2, Counter Strike, World of Warcraft, Diablo, Star Craft, Counter Strike, Battlfield, Portal 1 and 2, Minecraft, Skyrim, Left 4 Dead 1 and 2, Civilization, Dragon Age, and lots and lots of indie games.

May quote:

  • Dude, I am going to waste my life savings on a GTX 690. 
  • You're buying Battlefield 3 on 360? Dude, it has worse graphics and half the players!
  • Fuck. Another Steam sale. I'm gonna be strapped for cash.
  • I have no life...And proud of it.
Mac Gamer

Description: ...

 Favorite games: ...

May quote:

  •  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(If you don't get the last joke, Mac gamers don't exist.)

 

Alpha Unit

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