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Mazer's 11 Video Game Wives

12/11/13 3:01am

I think everyone in the known universe has a fictional crush – that is a crush on a character that does not really exist. This doesn’t extend to the voice actor/actress of the actor/actress themselves but the character that they portray. Take Willow from Buffy the Vampire for example. While I do find the actress pretty, I think Willow the character is much more attractive with her squeaky little voice and her timid demeanor. So cute!

Any who, I have decided to do a countdown of my Top Fictional Wives- The ladies from video games on whom I cannot help but have a crush on! It is Geekery at it’s best, ladies and gentlemen, so let’s get this list started!

 

Number 11: Princess Peach – Mario Franchise

Princess Peach may be one of the most useless princesses in the gaming universe (unless she is in the Smash Brothers series or her own games), but there is no denying that there is a certain appeal to her. This has nothing to do with her latest incarnation where she wears a sexy kitty suit while running around on all fours or pouncing butterflies (cute!), but that sure does not hurt her place on this list. It doesn’t hurt that she’s blond. And I heart blonds!

Number 10: Kenzie - Saints Row 3 & 4

The moment I met this girl in Saints Row the Third - hiding underneath a table to avoid being seen from those around her, I had a crush. She is seriously adorkable but not in the Jess from New Girl sense. She's not some clumsy silly girl but a genuis hacker with a vicious personality that is only matched by her kinkiness for bondage and toys. I love her attitude and her style - the glasses, jeans, her little hoodie. So cute!

And she is a redhead. And I LOVE redheads more than anything else!

Number 9: Rydia – Final Fantasy IV

When you first met Rydia in Final Fantasy IV, she is just a little kid who is confused and angry with the world. I mean, who can blame her? You killed her mother and caused the destruction of her village! She ends up leaving your party early in the game only to show up later as an adult. Thanks to her time in the Feymarch (Where time moves at a much faster pace than the human realm) she has aged from a child to that of a young adult. She is a lot more confidence in herself and her abilities and she becomes a much stronger person both emotionally and spiritually. Confidence and strength are two things I really admire in a woman and it doesn’t hurt that she is jaw-dropping beautiful to boot!

 

Number 8: Poison – Final Fight

Don’t judge me.

 

Number 7: Midna – Twilight Princess

So you have this little smart-ass demon kitty cat thingy hounding you throughout the entirety of Twilight Princess only to discover that she is, in reality, this smoking hot gothic Princess. Link’s jaw-dropping reaction was the same expression that I had when I saw her transformation. As like I said previously, I like strong women – something Midna most definitely is. However I also like spunky smart-asses who are all gothed out as well.

 

Number 6: Juliet – Lollipop Chainsaw

Okay, she is the total opposite of Midna. While she is still a tough, rough and rumble woman, she has the mannerisms of a high-school cheerleader. She’s spunky, bouncy, flirty, and blond; none of which is a bad thing. She’s not a dumb blond mind you, but a very active, silly one. Of course it helps that she is able to slaughter thousands of zombies while looking great in a cheerleader uniform but even better when she’s dressed up as a sexy Ash from Evil Dead.

She is also voiced by Tara Strong. Instant Win.

 

Number 5: Rosalina – Mario Galaxy

Rosalina is the tougher more eloquent version of Princess Peach. She is also a lot more feminine looking thanks to her form-fitting dress. I won’t lie when I say that this is a bit of a physical thing for Rosalina, but c’mon; look at her. She’s so cute!

 

Number 4: Jennifer – Splatterhouse

Alright so Jennifer may at first be portrayed as another victim of the slasher-movie cliché of a sexy blond being kidnapped in order to be sacrificed to demonic forces; but she is no push over. Several times throughout the game she does what other slasher femme-fatales fail to do: Fight Back. She kicks, scratches, punches, and in one moment of the game, even shoves a huge dagger through the villains’s head. While it did nothing to the immortal psychopath, it is a lot more than most horror heroines do.

Plus she is a fan of posing while dressed in sexy outfits. Who doesn’t love that?

 

Number 3: Zelda – The Legend of Zelda Franchise

Zelda is probably the strongest Princess in the Nintendo lineup. She is the only Princess who actively rules over her subjects while keeping ties with other countries and monitoring the movements of the Triforce in order to prevent chaos and destruction. The cartoon and the games have proven that she is able to handle herself well in combat (when she isn’t being portrayed as a little kid) and she is also willing to sacrifice her life for the lives of her people.

And she’s an elf. Elves are hot.

 

Number 2: Felicia – NightStalkers

Felicia may not be lady with a strong personality or one who is very smart but she is able to kick the crap out of legions of the undead with her bare paws. Oh, and did I mention that she does this naked? Seriously, this is the first video-game female I ever noticed being all psycho sexy thanks to the developers’ decision  to have her naked with only some specific patches of fur covering her more sensitive of areas. She is so high on this list as she is literally my very first fictional crush back when I was like 13 years old. Geeky and face-palm worthy I know, but it is the truth.

 

Number 1: Samus Aran – Metroid Franchise

Samus is my number one choice in fictional wives. She embodies everything that I like – she’s blond, beautiful, strong, cunning, and tough. The most attractive thing about her, however, is the fact that unlike most women on this list, she never has to show off her body to prove her worth. While the Princesses are all dressed in flowing gowns, Samus wears one of the most bad-ass power armors to grace the gaming universe. Sure she wears a skintight blue outfit beneath it, but it only shows off her curves; leaving the rest up to the person’s imagination.

Sometimes it is not how much you show off but what you don’t show off that matters and in Samus’ case, I am more attracted to her strength than her body (although her body is nice too!)

 

 

So there is my list. Do you have some fictional video game crushes? If so, feel free to list them in the comments below!

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