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Princess Zelda Was a Slut!

6/21/12 2:30pm
tl;dr

You may think Princess Zelda is cute and innocent, but after doing some research studying the backstory and playing  Zelda II: The Adventure of Link to completion...things aren't as they seem to be.

All right, g1s, bear with me on this one.

According to the back story of the second Legend of Zelda game, Link's Adventure, the very first, original Princess Zelda is still around. Hundreds of years ago, when Hyrule was a single, united kingdom, the king died and his son, the prince, inherited only part of the Triforce. The prince looked everywhere for the rest of the Triforce, but couldn't find it.

The court magician told the prince that the king had told Princess Zelda something about the Triforce shortly before he died, so the prince questioned her about it. She refused to tell him anything. Then the magician demanded the location of the Triforce from her, and she still refused.

The angry magician then began casting a spell on her and the prince tried to stop him, but the magician fought him off and completed the spell just as he died. As a result, Princess Zelda fell on the spot and was placed in an eternal sleep.

In his grief, the prince had her placed in her bedchambers and sealed the room, then decreed that from then on, all female children born to the royal family would be named Zelda in her memory. Which I suppose would get really confusing if you had, like, five sisters or something. Whatever.

So. Second Zelda game ever. Link is back in action. In the original Legend of Zelda, he was twelve when he rescued the princess Zelda and found all of the Triforce of Wisdom, which is the Triforce fragment passed down in the royal family for centuries. I guess the prince never really made use of it. Link finds out what the original Zelda's backstory is when he's sixteen and discovers that not only is he the destined champion who will find the next piece of the Triforce (Courage) and awaken the princess, but he's also going to become king of Hyrule in the process.

Seriously, he becomes king, it's in the manual.

So Link, ignoring his girlfriend (Princess Zelda) of four years, sets off on another adventure to awaken the original Princess Zelda. Maybe she was hot or something, I dunno. So he goes through the seven palaces, stabbing monsters in the face, jamming crystals into the forehead of Easter Island statues, and eventually he makes his way through the final palace, beats up the Thunderbird, beats his shadow... or evil side... or Ganon... (whatever, it gets confusing on that point), grabs the Triforce of Courage that's been missing for centuries, and returns to the royal palace of Hyrule to awaken Zelda. And the first thing she does is sit up and kiss him.

Now wait a second. Ok, she's been asleep for centuries. From her perspective, she was attacked by an evil wizard and passed out and just woke up. Now some strange guy dressed in tights and wearing a green sock on his head is standing over her in her bedroom. And the first thing she does is start making out with him.

Holy crap, she moves fast. Zelda doesn't know Link, has literally never seen him before, has no idea that she's been asleep for hundreds (possibly even thousands) of years, has no idea what all he went through to rescue her, and DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK HIS LANGUAGE (seriously, the scroll written in her time was written in an old language nobody knew how to read any more, not even Impa, whose family was entrusted with the legend and care of Zelda's body.). All she knows is, she was attacked by a wizard, then she wakes up in her bedroom and starts making out with the first complete stranger she finds standing next to her bed.

Well, congratulations to every Princess Zelda in every game since then, including the original game! You were named after a complete slut!

Meanwhile, the Princess Zelda from the original game, who Link rescued when he was twelve, gets completely ripped off. Not only does she NOT get Link, but since Link is the destined one who becomes king after rescuing the original Princess Zelda, that means the original Zelda becomes Queen and the current Zelda remains a Princess forever. She loses her boyfriend and her kingdom in one fell swoop. Oh yeah, and she finds out that her namesake is a total hussy.

At which point, she probably snapped and went on a spree of revenge and conquest that made Ganon look like an amateur. King Link, assuming he didn't die in the fire as the palace burned around him, was led to the execution site and beheaded along with his bride as the vengeful Zelda declared herself queen of Hyrule and began her reign of terror.

See what happens when you ignore the good girl for a slut?

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