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At the Screwvies: Episode 3

4/12/14 12:58pm
tl;dr

Your At the Screwvies crew (Flashpenny doesn't have a Avatar, cause he's silly like that)

Hello g1s. So glad you could join us. Welcome to At the Screwvies, the g1 Features where we talk about all kinds of cinema and its goings on. But know we're just being too fancy, and we're not at all like that. So with that out of the way, you 2 can come out now.

Flashpenny: Hiya, everybody!

The Stickman: OH HELLO AGAIN.

Flashpenny: Welcome back to At The Screwvies (not a porno).

The Stickman: Such original jokes.

MadHero15: Welcome back indeed. While we don't have a review like last time, we do have a ton of news to talk about, especially those in the video game movie section. You'll see soon enough Before we get to that, how about you start with the news, Stickman?

The Stickman: Me? Start with the news? WELL OKAY THEN, heeeree we goooo!

SHAUN THE SHEEP MOVIE  SHOWS OFF FIRST TEASER

First up we've got news from my neck of the woods, Britain, AKA 'eng-laaaaaand' to you Yanks. Aardman Animations, the studio responsible for the likes of Wallace & Gromit, Chicken Run and The Pirates! have this week released the teaser trailer for their next feature length production, Shaun the Sheep. It's based on the TV Series of the same name, which is in itself based off a character who appeared in the W&G short 'A Close Shave'. So it's a spin-off of a spin-off...yep. What do you guys thi-WAKE UP GUYS.

Flashpenny: Anyway, this movie does look interesting. I'll admit that I've never heard of Shaun of the Sheep but I love Wallace & Gromit as much as the next bloke and it's made by the same people. Also Pirates! was really good.

MadHero15: I do like me some Shaun the Sheep, and watched it back in the day when I was bored. Not sure how its going to work as a feature film, since the format works better as shorts in my opinion. Still, its Aardman, so you pay attention to that stuff.

Flashpenny: Well, that's what we thought about Wallace & Gromit and they pulled that off well enough.

The Stickman: I think it's interesting to note that this will probably be the first time in modern history that a children’s film will feature no dialogue whatsoever. If it follows the template of the show, which I hope to god it does because if Shaun the Sheep has a voice......ERGH.

MadHero15: Yes, that's going to be tough. Shaun the Sheep is pretty popular, so that'll work in its favor, but a 90 minute practically silent film could be tough.

Flashpenny: Something tells me that they might introduce human characters to make it more marketable.

The Stickman: There already are human characters, flash.

Flashpenny: Human characters that talk?

The Stickman: No, they sorta mumble, like Sims.

Flashpenny: I've never watched Shaun the Sheep so I really don't know.

The Stickman: The show is hugely popular with kids, so there's no reason why this won't be the same. I trust Aardman to make great films that both kids and adults can enjoy, so I'm expecting good things when this comes out in early 2015.

MadHero15: I agree, Stickman. Its popularity will help. I hope they've figured out how to do it in feature length. I'm a teeny tiny bit skeptical, but its Aardman, and they almost always deliver

Flashpenny: I've liked Aardman's stuff so, yeah, this will probably be good.

The Stickman: WE ALL AGREE ON SOMETHING, YEAAAAAAH. OKAY, YOUR TURN FLASH.

CHIWETEL ELJIOFOR TO BE NEXT BOND VILLAIN (RUMOR)

This next bit of news isn't really news per se. It's more of a rumor but it's still one that I'm pumped about. As many of you know, I'm a huge Bond fan, and one of the series' traditions is always the villains. The producers of the upcoming unnamed Bond film are currently in talks with Chiwetel Ejiofor (of 12 Years A Slave fame) to play the new Bond villain. Nothing is confirmed yet but, if it's true, it should be awesome as Ejiofor is a great actor who played a badass, awesome villain in Serenity. Assuming he brings the same sort of acting chops to this movie, it stands to reason that it should be pretty sweet.

MadHero15: Glad to see Eljiofor is making it to the big leagues after 12 Years. I'll admit I haven't seen him in much else (Serenity and 12 Years and that's about it), but he's a great actor, and I think he can bring something really cool as a Bond villain.

The Stickman: So, this could be interesting if true! Skyfall was a great film but I found the villain to be hugely disappointing, so I'm hoping Chiwetel will bring a less camp, weird villain to the table this time.

Flashpenny: Javier Bardem was awesome in Skyfall, you crazy man.

MadHero15: I personally liked Bardem as well.

The Stickman: I couldn't stand him personally. The first scene with him in was rather sweet but otherwise he was forgettable and goofy. I'm interested to see what direction the films are going to take in general now after the changes set up in Skyfall.

Flashpenny: Also, if this story is true, it'll be an interesting milestone since it'll be the first black Bond villain since Live and Let Die, and that came out in 1973.

MadHero15: Obviously we don't know what kind of villain Eljiofor will play should he get the role, but he'll probably add some gravitas to it. It makes sense in the current Craig era.

The Stickman: Skyfall kinda took a step back from the gritty nature of Quantum of Solace (Which I really liked), so this is perhaps a sign they're possibly returning to it in Bond 24 or whatever one this is.

MadHero15: It should be cool and hopefully the producers will be able to confirm it soon. For now, it is part of the rumor mill.

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MadHero15: Now it’s time for my little news section I call THE VIDEO GAME MOVIE POWER HOUR! Basically, a bunch of different stories for all kinds of movies based on video games came up, and with Screwattack primarily being a gaming website, it’s our holy duty to cover it. SO LETS START!

The Stickman: Holy duty? Oh my....I'm in over my head.

Flashpenny: The power of Christ compels you to listen to our opinions!

The Stickman: Praise to JEEESUUUS.

ASSASSIN’S CREED FILM TO GET A RE-WRITE

While we don't know much about it right now, we know that the Assassin's Creed movie is in the works with Michael Fassbender and to be released in 2015. While no director is attached (yet), the script has gone through several rewrites, the first one done by Scott Frank (Minority Report, The Wolverine), but now, there's another done by a relatively new screenwriting duo who also wrote Ridley Scott's Exodus (which still needs to come out). Not much else going, but you can bet to hear more about this movie in the future.

The Stickman: Really excited for this one! I'm a huge fan of the Creed franchise, and I really do think this film could be the one to put Video Game Movies on the map, so to speak.

Flashpenny: As much as I desperately want to be pumped for this, I know that they're not going to shelf that God-awful "modern-day" story and just make the movie about the cool stuff.

The Stickman: THE MODERN DAY STUFF IS COOL, SCREW YOU.

Flashpenny: IT'S TERRIBLE!

The Stickman: NO IT AIN'T.

Flashpenny: The rest of it such a great historical-fiction tale and it needs to be bogged down by all the alien Gods and doomsday bullshit, and it completely kills the mood.

MadHero15: With Warcraft delayed to 2016, and Need for Speed more Fast and the Furious than a video game film, this is the big one. I have no opinion on the rewrites. This stuff happens all the time and I hope they do a good job. So far we have no idea what route the film is going to do, and we can only hope for the best.

The Stickman: I like the Sci-Fi twist, and Fassbender would make a great Desmond so TAKE THAT. For all your whining about the future storyline and Desmond, Flashpenny, it's been stated by Ubisoft that this won't be a straight adaptation of the games and will possibly tie into the universe in a different way. So it might be that we'll see entirely new characters and worlds, and possibly even NEW FUTURE TIME STUFFS. SO YEAH. ASSASSIN'S CREED MOVIE, WOOO.

 MadHero15: Desmond looks too much like a young Adam Sandler to me. SPEAKING OF WHICH!

SHORT FILM PIXELS GETTING BIG SCREEN ADAPTATION COURTESY OF HAPPY MADISON

Back in 2010, a film maker named Patrick Jean released a short film on Youtube called Pixels and was about 80's game characters attacking New York characters tearing apart New York. Characters like Donkey Kong, the Tetris blocks, etc. Now, the idea is being turned into a feature film. This would be cool..... if it wasn't Happy Madison doing it. The feature length Pixels will come out in 2015 and star Adam Sandler as a one time champion gamer who lost it all, to work with a government to stop the characters from destroying the world. Along with him are Josh Gad (Olaf from Frozen), Peter Dinklage (Tyrion from Game of Thrones) as a bad guy, Kevin James as the President, and Michelle Monahan (Source Code) as the love interest.

MadHero15: We can all collectively sigh now. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.............

The Stickman: Sounds like that one segment of that one episode of Futurama, except it won't be anywhere near as funny, clever or enjoyable, which is a shame because the short film was ace.

Flashpenny: As much as I love old-school Adam Sandler, the dude has gone so straight to Hell that it's hard to be excited about anything he does. Still, the cast is pretty solid, I have to give it that much.

The Stickman: Adam Sandler will find a way to waste that potential, and fill it with farting and urinating deer and shit.

MadHero15: The short film was mainly to show LOOK, THIS IS WHAT I CAN DO WITH SPECIAL EFFECTS, and it works in that sense. Making a big story around it, just seems ehhh. Like Flash, I do like the cast, but Sandler is a celebrity I really don't like. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he wastes his own talents for the sake of profit and is clearly aware of it (if Funny People is any indication).

The Stickman: The name 'Happy Madison' sends shivers down my spine.

Flashpenny: From what I've read about Sandler, he just employs all of his buddies and uses the film sets as an excuse to hang out.

The Stickman: Which goes with that whole 'nice guy' thing but he's a terrible filmmaker.

MadHero15: ANYONE WHO CHOSE GROWN UPS 2 OVER PACIFIC RIM SHOULD BE STERILIZED!

The Stickman: BOTH ARE STUPID AS FUCK.  BUT ONE OF THEM HAS GIANT ROBOTS IN IT, SOOOO...

Flashpenny: Again, he used to be good but something happened halfway through the 2000s. Something terrible.

MadHero15: I wonder how they're going to work with rights. Stuff like Tetris should be easy to get. But Nintendo is going to be skeptical about putting 80's Donkey Kong in a Sandler film. My guess it they're creating their own characters, which kinda loses the appeal.

The Stickman: I'm pretty sure it'll all be parodies rather than the actual characters.

Flashpenny: After the early 90's schlock-fest, Nintendo is (understandably) stingy about handing their film rights over so that is actually a genuinely good question.  It'll just be a gorilla throwing barrels named something else probably.

The Stickman: Like Dunkey Keng and Sparce Invades.

MadHero15: But there is someone Nintendo may want to talk to, which brings us to our last news story.

The Stickman: Shaun the Sheep has a 3DS. JUST SAYIN.

WRECK IT RALPH 2 IN DEVELOPMENT, ACCORDING TO COMPOSER

Wreck it Ralph was a pretty big deal amongst us gamers, because it arguably was the first time that such a big film had video games front and center, and it was of course filled to the brim with cameos. Now, the composer of the first film, Henry Jackman has confirmed a Wreck it Ralph 2 is in the works. How big it'll be (it could easily be a Direct-to-DVD affair), we don't know, but its happening. I'm personally a bit mixed about it, since the film arguably gets worse every time I see/think about it. It's not bad per se, but a film like Frozen showed Disney can do so much better. That and the Candy part is much worse than the Game part.

Flashpenny: Given Disney's track record with sequels, I am not even remotely pumped for it (even though I personally liked it better than Frozen).

The Stickman: I think a lot of us were lost in the initial hype of Wreck-it-Ralph, and it's not a bad film per se, but it really isn't as great as everyone said back when it came out. Once they reach Sugar Rush it just completely collapses, and since the sequel will feature the same ANNOYING side-characters, I'll probably pass. It could be better, if they get to explore the concept more, but I'm not holding out much hope.

Flashpenny: Disney's sequels have ranged from bad to worse to the occasional diamond in the rough. While I imagine they may want to put a little more care into it than they have in the past, I don't know.

MadHero15: Rescuers Down Under wasn't bad, and I liked the Lion King sequels (nostalgia may be involved), but there was a time in Disney history where they could not stop making sequels or prequels to their stuff, and most of it was terrible. I'm sure they've learned since then, but I'm not really sure where to go after the first one.

Flashpenny: Rescuers Down Under, Fantasia 2000, Lion King and Aladdin sequels were all really good. Little Mermaid sequel wasn't too bad. A lot of other stuff was God awful.

MadHero15: I mean, there's plenty more to parody, but story wise, Ralph's and Vanellope's stories are done.

The Stickman: The whole Arcade thing limits what they can do with the world, and fuck Vanellope. SO GOD DAMN ANNOYING.

Flashpenny:  I've seen far worse than Vanellope in the Disney library but, yeah, she could be annoying at times.  Anyway, I thought the movie ended on a pretty closed note.

The Stickman: It doesn't need a sequel, it wasn't that good of a film anyway, but it's getting one. So there you go.

Flashpenny:  And I feel like I'm the odd man out because I still love the movie, and even I don't think a sequel is necessary.

The Stickman: You are an odd man.

MadHero15: I still like it too, but its not as good when I first saw it, and that may be cause I got swept in the hype. I think Lego Movie did what Ralph did much better.

The Stickman: The LEGO Movie made Wreck it Ralph its bitch. No bias there at all.                    

MadHero15: And that's our news. Now we take a look at the movies coming out soon in theaters both this week and next week (we're following the American film schedule BTW). In any case, we start with, appropriately enough, an animated sequel.

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Rio 2

Director: Carlos Saldanha (Ice Age 2 and 3, Rio)
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hatheway, Bruno Mars,  Jermaine Clement

Synopsis:  Blu (Eisenberg), Jewel (Hatheway) and their three kids are hurtled to Rio de Janeiro into the wilds of the Amazon. As Blu tries to fit in, they once again clash with the vengeful Nigel (Clement).

Flashpenny: I've never seen the original Rio but I heard that it wasn't bad so...yeah.

The Stickman: The first Rio was pretty okay, although I'm not big on the musical numbers. I've heard the sequel is a bit of a mess though. It's a very colourful, visually appealing series but I can't say I was chomping at the bit for more adventures from Jessie EisenBIRD and the gang.

MadHero15: As Stickman said, the original Rio was okay. You could tell the director has some passion towards it (he himself being from Brazil), but the plot was cliche, and it had way too many characters. This one though, adds EVEN MORE characters, because it turns out the species Blu and Jewel (the blue macaws) aren't quite so extinct after all and there are more.

The Stickman: Which I think kinda takes away from the point of the first one.

Flashpenny: The blue macaw is named Blu. Sounds like Shakespearean entertainment right here.

The Stickman: It's not supposed to be, it's just a kids film, and the first one was an alright one, but if the second is worse I really see no reason in watching it unless you have a Rio fanatic for a child. And I don't know about you guys but I haven't had any children, so...

MadHero15: Its colorful and fast, so kids will like it. As someone who doesn't really like the original (I don't hate it, its just...... ok), I have no intention of seeing it. Also, reviews haven't been great so far. Blue Sky is kind of a weird company for me.

Flashpenny: I have a little sister which kind of counts.

The Stickman: Blue Sky are a bit overrated in my eyes. Ice Age was good when I was a kid but the sequels blow, and I haven't seen much else from them that's particularly great.

MadHero15: I'll just play Angry Birds Rio instead (which I have on my phone for some reason).

The Stickman: Angry Birds Rio was fuuuun.

MadHero15: Lets move on to something more in our wheelhouse. Mainly, SPOOKY SCARY STUFF!

Oculus

Director: Mike Flanagan
Starring: Karen Gillan, Brenton Thwaites, Katee Sackhoff

Synopsis: A woman (Gillan) tries to exonerate her brother (Thwaites), who was convicted of murder, by proving that the crime was committed by a supernatural phenomenon.

MadHero15: insert Oculus Rift joke here.

Flashpenny: My horror junkie of a friend is pumped for this but I know virtually nothing about it. What is it and why should I be excited?

The Stickman: I can't say I know a huge  deal about it either, I'm a big horror fan but this never really caught my interest. That said, reviews have been rather positive so far, so...maybe one to watch if you're so inclined?

MadHero15: Reviews have been great for a horror movie. All I really know is that it has Amy from Dr. Who and Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica and there's some sort of haunted mirror. The trailer looks like it could be a good time, but I'll admit to being pretty ignorant about this film as well.

The Stickman: Mirror? With Jack Bauer?

Flashpenny: Oh, is this that movie for the mirror demon?  I saw a few trailers on TV the other night, didn't look bad.

The Stickman: It's not out here in the UK yet so I haven't seen all that much from it, but siiince we follow the American release schedule I gotta preteeend to knoow about itttt....y'know what I'm saaayiing?

Flashpenny: I find it interesting how we follow the American release schedule yet the only American here is the one who is least likely to actually go to the theaters to watch the stuff that we're discussing.

The Stickman: It's rare for a modern horror film to get largely positive reviews, not on the same level as say, The Conjuring or You're Next, but still positive nonetheless. If you like horror it's probably worth watching.

MadHero15: Either way, if you're a horror fan, this may be worth the look, especially with the positive reviews (you have no idea how rare that is for a horror film).

Flashpenny: I'll admit that I wasn't the biggest fan of The Conjuring so if this is getting lesser reviews, I might skip it or wait for DVD (especially since I'm not a big fan of horror movies). Mainly because they tend to suck.

The Stickman: URRMM. SCREW YOU GUYS. HORROR FILMS CAN BE GOOD AND STUFF. THE THING PREQUEL IS GOOD FUCK THE FILM CRICKETS.

Flashpenny: They can be. They usually aren't though.

MadHero15: URRRRRRRRR, ANYWAY, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR FINAL FILM!

Transcendence

Director: Wally Pfister (Cinematographer for Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Rebecca Hall, Morgan Freeman, Paul Bettany

Synopsis: A terminally ill scientist (Depp) uploads his mind to a computer. This grants him power beyond his wildest dreams, and soon he becomes unstoppable.

The Stickman: OH NOOO. THIS FILM LOOKS SILLY.

Flashpenny: I feel like this is another trailer I've seen on the television but has completely slipped my mind now that we're discussing it. Which one is this again?

The Stickman: It's Wall-E Fish-fors first directing gig.

MadHero15: The one with Johnny Depp where he uploads his mind into a computer.

Flashpenny: Okay, now I know I haven't seen any trailers for this. WHAT THE HELL?

The Stickman: This is one of those films which the trailer shows you EVERYTHING from. So don't watch one if you intend to see the film, which I don't because it looks stupid. I was really disappointed when I saw the first trailer for this, because I was expecting great things.

MadHero15: Yeah, I saw the trailer, and it does feel like its spoiling the entire film. I like the premise of it, and its nice to see Johnny Depp as somewhat more grounded after stuff like Lone Ranger and Dark Shadows. Even if he uploads his mind to a computer.

Flashpenny: Okay, yeah, I just saw the trailer and it really does not look good. On that note, what the Hell happened to Johnny Depp? He used to rule the world and he's fallen off the map in the past couple years.

The Stickman: Johnny Depp has his brain transplanted into the internet by Tim Burton and he takes over the world. THE END. Johnny Depp is still big, and this will probably do rather well regardless of its quality, but I can't say I'm excited for it, which I was before I saw things from it.

Flashpenny: Depp, you're a good actor, you need to start choosing films that demonstrate that. On the off-chance that you're reading this, get a better agent.

The Stickman: Johnny Depp is our biggest fan.

MadHero15: Its got a damn fine cast (Paul Bettany, Morgan Freeman, Rebecca Hall, etc.) and its going to be interesting to see Walter Pfister (cinematographer of almost all of Chris Nolan's films) in the director's chair. I'm hopeful for this one. It looks fun. JUST DON'T WATCH THE TRAILER IF YOU'RE CURIOUS!

Flashpenny: Honestly, to be fair, it doesn't look too bad. It doesn't look that good either, it just seems like it'll be a dumb fun movie that everyone will forget about in a couple months. Can't say that I'll see it though.

The Stickman: So yeah, this could be good, but I'm not holding out much hope from what I've seen...AND BABY, I'VE SEEN IT ALL.

MadHero15: I'm very curious, and am probably looking forward to it the most out of us 3, but I'll be careful.

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MadHero15: And with that out of the way, we move on to our final segment. THE MOVIE OF THE WEEK! Here we discuss a recommendation of a film that either just came out on DVD, or just recently released in the theater (if we've seen it anyway). So Sticky, what's your Pick of the Week?

The Stickman: Well Mads Mikkelson, my pick of the week is The Double, the new film directed by Richard Ayoade from The IT Crowd.

THE DOUBLE

 It's an adaptation of the DOFJfafushsfkstky novel of the same name, and centers around Jessie Eisenberg and an identical looking twin with the complete opposite personality fighting it out for control of his life.

MadHero15: I saw the trailer for the Double. It looked pretty interesting, even if I don't know what the tone exactly is (seemed like a thriller). It should also be noted this movie won't be out in the US until May. Of course, people are going to play close attention to Eisenberg now and the serious roles he plays, especially with his upcoming portrayal of Lex Luthor.

Flashpenny: Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor is going to be either one of the best or worst casting choices ever made, calling it right now.

The Stickman: The tone is a dark comedy mixed with a bit of drama and a smidge of surreal dystopian goodness. Eisenberg is fantastic in the film, in both his roles, and the cast in general is great. It's not to everyone's tastes but if you're into surrealism and character films, then this is one to watch.

MadHero15: As mentioned, it would be out in Americaland till May, but if you're in the Brittans, go and check it out.

The Stickman: Definetely worth a watch at some point if you're into this sorta thing.  Also it has Rex from Toy Story in it, so...GO GO GO GO.

Flashpenny: Either way, The Double sounds like it might be awesome. Or entertaining at the very least.

The Stickman: It's probably a marmite film (an acquired taste), but there's a high chance you'll enjoy it a lot.

MadHero15: Alright, my Pick of the Week goes to a film that just came out on DVD, and that's The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

Yes, its not as good as the LotR trilogy, but Desolation is a much entertaining film than the 1st one, especially with stuff like the barrel sequence and all the stuff featuring Smaug, who's easily the best dragon in all of cinema. It ends on a big cliffhanger, which sucks, but its a very fun ride.

 Flashpenny: I personally think that Desolation is the weakest of the 5 Middle-Earth movies we've had but it's still a blast to watch and if you liked the previous installment, then you're going to enjoy this one too (probably). Whatever problems it has are all worth it just to watch Smaug be awesome. (Those effects… they're beautiful...)

The Stickman: I very much enjoyed Desolation, as I did with Unexpected Journey, and I do think the second is superior in some ways to the previous, but of course neither live up to the level of the LOTR films. That said, Smaug is one sexy motherfucker.

Flashpenny: Eh, I think the first one is better than Fellowship at the very least.

The Stickman: It's worth watching just for Smaug, I'd say.

Flashpenny: The rest of the movie's still really good too but Smaug is definitely the cherry on top.

The Stickman: Like all of Peter Jacksons films, it's way too long, but some people will like that about it I'm sure. God knows how long the 3rd film will be.

Flashpenny: Anyway, time for my pick of the week! My pick of the week is… The Hobbit: Desolation of- AGAIN?!

The Stickman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOT AGAIN YOU TWO.

Flashpenny: We choose the same one every week, MadHero!

MadHero15: THIS IS THE 3RD TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED!

Flashpenny: I KNOW!

The Stickman: JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY YOU SHITS. Here I am, being interesting and original with my picks, and then you two go "NAH FUCK THAT, WOLF OF WALL STREET BRUH".

Flashpenny: I’M SUING YOU FOR MIND PLAGARISM!

MadHero15: WELL I'M SUING YOU FOR HAVING THE SAME OPINION AS ME!

Flashpenny: YOU ONLY HAVE THE SAME OPINION BECAUSE YOU'RE MIND PLAGIARIZING!

The Stickman: THE DOUBLE, IN CINEMAS NOW.

Flashpenny: Anyway, Desolation of Smaug is an awesome movie and you should definitely check it out.

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The Stickman: Wait...guys...something amazing happened.... I actually liked the film you two chose. OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWDDD!!!

Flashpenny: You didn't even see The Wolf of Wall Street so you can't say that you really disliked it.

The Stickman: HEY KISS MY ASS FLASH.

MadHero15: And that's it. Will Transcendence actually be good, will we have another review? Will Flash and MadHero pick the same film again? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flashpenny: Or At the Screwvies. Either/or is applicable.

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