SUPER MARIO 64 IS A MASTERPIECE OF HORROR
My one regret is that warning of these horrors will make them that less "scary". Also, none of you are five, so you probably won't be scared anyway.
Editor's Note: I'm gonna go to the store :(
Yes, you read the title. You were intrigued weren't you? You were surprised by my statement right? Heh. Good, now that I got your attention, I am here to say I am not bluffing. I'm not. YOU READY? YEAH? YEAH?!?
Oh no you ain't. Not before a little monologue you ain't. (By the way, "ain't" is a word.)
AHEM! Super Mario 64 was a revolution of polygon gaming that struck you right across the face, and the very force of that strike still burns in your left cheek, and that strike is felt in almost every three-dimensional game, like, ever. EVER.
Super Mario 64 happened to be one of my first games growing up, as the Nintendo 64 was my first console. And now, now, while I do realize that the Super Nintendo had a way better library, it lacked the two best games of all time.
Getting back to the real "story" if you wanna call it that, I talked about my precious Nintendo 64 console, with it's low storage capacity and awkwardly shaped controller. Ah. Good times...Good times....Good times...Times...That made me a man...Even though I was prepubescent. And had bad motorskills. And regularly watched episodes of Clifford the Big Red Dog. BUT I WAS STILL A SMALL MAN! And Mario 64 does that to anyone at any age. Give an average 3-year old the game and he or she will grow thick chest hair in the shape of Texas!!
There are many untold horrors in the colorful game of Super Mario 64...The exact same ones that gave me chest hair in the shape of Texas.
This level isn't that scary, but the dark atmosphere and creepy music that could make Otacon piss his pants, but I guess that doesn't say so much. But then again, there are plenty of scary things like...
THE FUCKING PIANO
Yes, I know. It's a musical instrument, but musical instrument or not, I wanted to piss myself like Otacon. Everything is all normal, whoop-dee-doo...AND HOLY SHIT... That...That normal piano that shouldn't have doing that. It's chasing you! It's ready to take you down in cold blood with it's razor sharp teeth. And as it chases you and snaps at you like you were some sorta little piece of bitch-meat, you can hear it bang ugly notes on itself. As Simon "Absolutely dreadful" Cowell would say: "Absolutely dreadful."
But that's not all that this place has to offer besides killer musical instruments, it has giant freaky eyeballs, floating chairs presumably possessed by Satan or a satanic being, and floating books with sharp teeth that would absolutely love to take a big bite out of your hairy, Italian ass.
Surprisingly enough, the boos aren't really the scariest part about this level. And the spiders are some ugly little shits, aren't they?
No, I'm not pulling your leg here, brah. I mean it. Sand. Or rather, quick sand. I mean, it's pretty annoying when you get sand in your shoes, but what I should've said was
But like I said, nothing ever goes well in faux-Egyptian places. Take one step in that stuff, just one step, and Mario is struggling even worse that when was gasping helplessly for air underwater. There's nothing he can do besides put up an even more desperate struggle to survive. He sinks extremely quickly, pulls out an arm expecting our merciless deity to save him, and screams as he is presumably crushed and cannot breathe with sand inside of his lungs and all.
It's strange to say that out of everything in this one place, it's the sand putting up the greatest fight, but there are plenty of living foes out there that presumably ready to crush Mario like a human pancake.
Any of these guys ring a bell?
Listen to that. It's like Satan himself is watching relishing everything step you take. He doesn't get bored, it's a little practical joke on his part probably. It's not a funny joke though. His humor is beyond our years.
It's like a Hell version of that one scene from Rocky, and Mario's your plucky Italian forced through it!
Though it's not so scary once you do accumulate the 70 stars...
That's it everybody. I would've liked to talk about sooooooooooooooooooooo much more, or rather, say the exact same thing in much more detail, but you can't hear my voice just yet. And if I could do some sorta video, I kid you not, this would've been like 46.8% more hilarious just from the sound of the tone of my voice, which sounds like Jerry Lewis and Jim Carrey had a baby, but with some nerdy, but sarcastic wit. Bah.
Good night everybody (or good morning Europe or Australia or whatever). It's been neat, but my girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson, is beckoning for me to do my Michael Cera impression.
See ya, everybody! I'll see you all in therapy!