Posted on November 17, 2012 - 4:00pm by Alpha Unit


My one regret is that warning of these horrors will make them that less "scary". Also, none of you are five, so you probably won't be scared anyway.

Editor's Note: I'm gonna go to the store :(

Yes, you read the title. You were intrigued weren't you? You were surprised by my statement right? Heh. Good, now that I got your attention, I am here to say I am not bluffing. I'm not. YOU READY? YEAH? YEAH?!? 

Oh no you ain't. Not before a little monologue you ain't. (By the way, "ain't" is a word.)

AHEM! Super Mario 64 was a revolution of polygon gaming that struck you right across the face, and the very force of that strike still burns in your left cheek, and that strike is felt in almost every three-dimensional game, like, ever. EVER. 

Super Mario 64 happened to be one of my first games growing up, as the Nintendo 64 was my first console. And now, now, while I do realize that the Super Nintendo had a way better library, it lacked the two best games of all time. 


Getting back to the real "story" if you wanna call it that, I talked about my precious Nintendo 64 console, with it's low storage capacity and awkwardly shaped controller. Ah. Good times...Good times....Good times...Times...That made me a man...Even though I was prepubescent. And had bad motorskills. And regularly watched episodes of Clifford the Big Red Dog. BUT I WAS STILL A SMALL MAN! And Mario 64 does that to anyone at any age. Give an average 3-year old the game and he or she will grow thick chest hair in the shape of Texas!!

There are many untold horrors in the colorful game of Super Mario 64...The exact same ones that gave me chest hair in the shape of Texas. 


The Bowser Laugh When You First Start the Game
The game stars with such elegant and beautiful music that will strike a cord with you as the camera wielding lakitu flies around Princes Peach's majestic castle. He lowers down ominously to the ground, where a warp pipe comes out of the soil in which Mario leaps out,  in glorious 64-bit polygons and all. The game was strikingly beautiful when it was released, and you expected that very same beauty to flow onward as you progressed into the castle in front of you.
Then, as soon as you enter...You hear a deep laugh. It doesn't sound human. You knew shit was getting real. But as for younger me, every time I heard that, I either ran the fuck outside or ran like a spaz to Bob-Omb Battlefield. Luckily, nothing ever happens when Bowser laughs besides....A laugh. But still, that shit was creepy.


Going Underwater Pretty Much
Has anyone ever been scared of swimming? I never was, but Mario 64 presented blue waters that sorta broke my heart.
Remember the first time you went underwater, and the first time you started drowning? Mario's health icon turns red, a light ringing sound flashes repeatedly. You knew it was time to go up. But you weren't nearly fast enough. Mario clutches his mouth and jerks his body in a motion that shows struggle. Mario blubs and gasps for air as he clutches his mouth, then stops moving and hunches there motionless. Cartoonish Xs appear where his eyes should be, an while that is comical, Bowser laughs triumphantly as a wipe shaped like his face covers the screen in darkness...
But there are so many other horrors underwater, like that eel in Dire, Dire Docks! What about that giant fish from Tiny Huge Island that swallows you whole? Remember that shit? Bitch swallows you up in one whole gulp once he sees you. You see him, you swim away for your life! He traumatized me! 
All in all, water scary. It usually is. I'm not doing a good job of explaining it.

Excuse me sir, mind if I bite off your testicles?

Big Boo's Haunt

This level isn't that scary, but the dark atmosphere and creepy music that could make Otacon piss his pants, but I guess that doesn't say so much. But then again, there are plenty of scary things like...


The piano has to be seen in person for you to shit bricks.

Yes, I know. It's a musical instrument, but musical instrument or not, I wanted to piss myself like Otacon. Everything is all normal, whoop-dee-doo...AND HOLY SHIT... That...That normal piano that shouldn't have doing that. It's chasing you! It's ready to take you down in cold blood with it's razor sharp teeth. And as it chases you and snaps at you like you were some sorta little piece of bitch-meat, you can hear it bang ugly notes on itself. As Simon "Absolutely dreadful" Cowell would say: "Absolutely dreadful."

But that's not all that this place has to offer besides killer musical instruments, it has giant freaky eyeballs, floating chairs presumably possessed by Satan or a satanic being, and floating books with sharp teeth that would absolutely love to take a big bite out of your hairy, Italian ass.

Surprisingly enough, the boos aren't really the scariest part about this level. And the spiders are some ugly little shits, aren't they?

You've all seen The Mummy with Brendan Fraser, right? Nothing nice ever happens when you get freaky, Egyptian hoopa-joo involved, especially in the tombs. This game probably has one of your worst enemies in the game: 


No, I'm not pulling your leg here, brah. I mean it. Sand. Or rather, quick sand. I mean, it's pretty annoying when you get sand in your shoes, but what I should've said was 



But like I said, nothing ever goes well in faux-Egyptian places. Take one step in that stuff, just one step, and Mario is struggling even worse that when was gasping helplessly for air underwater. There's nothing he can do besides put up an even more desperate struggle to survive. He sinks extremely quickly, pulls out an arm expecting our merciless deity to save him, and screams as he is presumably crushed and cannot breathe with sand inside of his lungs and all. 

It's strange to say that out of everything in this one place, it's the sand putting up the greatest fight, but there are plenty of living foes out there that presumably ready to crush Mario like a human pancake. 

Any of these guys ring a bell?

The determination and persistence of these guys is awe inspiring, as very few have the ability to crush Mario's bones.


The Endless Stairs...
Oh yeah, I remember this part. I think Nintendo was intentionally trying to scare me with this one. I was still in Kindergarten, so it was perfect. My main duty at first was just to jump around and preform a flip or two. Later, it was to aimlessly collect stars. I didn't know why I wanted the stars, I just did. Then I figured out it was to open those doors to get to Bowser. My dad helped me probably played a chunk of it, so I didn't know better.
I remember once getting near the top of the castle for some reason and just seeing that door adorned with the star. It was a Bowser match I didn't do yet because my dad did all the harder levels on his file while I was stuck around the area with Cool, Cool Mountain and such. My dad didn't give a damn what I did to any of the games, so I just clicked his file, headed to see how far he was. I didn't think Super Mario 64 had an actual ending, I thought it was a never ending game that just kept going and going as you collected stars. Still, I was right about to taste it, but my dad played the game little by little, and didn't quite get 70 stars. 
So I saw this door, right? Thought Bowser was up there. He was. But I didn't see 'em. I ran up the stairs. I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran....No... And ran and ran and ran...Sonuva...Bitch. ANDRANANDRANANDRAN! The stairs never ended and the almost chilling haunting music followed at ever step through the dark halls. You can run out of there like nothing ever happened, but go back there and it never, ever ends. It took me awhile to get to that part myself, and it took me another year to actually work up the stars to do so. I mostly collected the same stars over and over. I was a little kid. Don't mock me. 
Just like the laugh, the stairs DO NOTHING but make you piss your pants if you happen to be like 3-5 years old. Sure, it doesn't hurt, but it makes you think it'll hurt. And it hurts right here buddy. Right in the heart. 

Listen to that. It's like Satan himself is watching relishing everything step you take. He doesn't get bored, it's a little practical joke on his part probably. It's not a funny joke though. His humor is beyond our years.

It's like a Hell version of that one scene from Rocky, and Mario's your plucky Italian forced through it!

Though it's not so scary once you do accumulate the 70 stars...


That's it everybody. I would've liked to talk about sooooooooooooooooooooo much more, or rather, say the exact same thing in much more detail, but you can't hear my voice just yet. And if I could do some sorta video, I kid you not, this would've been like 46.8% more hilarious just from the sound of the tone of my voice, which sounds like Jerry Lewis and Jim Carrey had a baby, but with some nerdy, but sarcastic wit. Bah.

Good night everybody (or good morning Europe or Australia or whatever). It's been neat, but my girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson, is beckoning for me to do my Michael Cera impression. 


See ya, everybody! I'll see you all in therapy!

Alpha Unit

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