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The Ten Commandments of Mario

2/5/13 2:59pm
tl;dr

Obey these laws or suffer the wrath of the poison mushroom.

Good evening all, today I bring you laws that will help you survive in the Mushroom Kingdom, if you still die, it's not on me! I bring you...

 

The Ten Commandments of Mario!

 

1. Thou shalt bow down to Rosalina.

It’s all but confirmed that Princess Rosalina is God in the Mario universe, I mean c’mon, how else is she able to visit the Mushroom Kingdom every 100 years? The only explanation I can think of is that time has slowed down for her, and that’s just very illogical. Regardless, Rosalina has the power to basically recreate the universe, who are you to argue against her? And Mario, may I suggest you stop going after Peach and just stay with Rosalina, she doesn’t get kidnapped at all!

 

2. Thou shalt treat all inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom equal.

The Mushroom Kingdom is a very happy place, full of very nice and unique people. Hate towards an individual or a group of citizens will not be tolerated… Unless you’re part of the Koopa Clan, and if you are you’re getting shot down like the Duck Hunt dog.

 

3. Thou shalt not treat thy allies as platforms.

I see you using that Yoshi to get that 1-Up, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Using people as platforms to get coins and items will get you a Volt Shroom and flattened by a whomp. Stomping on other people in order the get around doesn’t work here mister! And to add insult to injury, you will be used as a platform by the same Yoshi you used to get that 1-Up.

 

4. Thou shalt grab every coin and 1-Up available.

Trust me on this one, you are going to die A LOT. The Mushroom Kingdom is not like the real world, you can keep coming back, as long as you have enough coins and 1-Ups. And keep them close to you, as stuff happens all the time in the Mushroom Kingdom. If you find yourself in the Underwhere however, you’re pretty much fucked.

 

5. Thou shalt compete for survival and entertainment.

In the Mushroom Kingdom, everyone competes in some type of sport, whether it be physical like soccer and baseball, or something like a video game tournament just for laughs. But to be a true gladiator, you look toward the Glitz Pit, and here the strongest survive to entertain the audience, and the weak get stomped on. If you can become king of the Glitz Pit, you are king amongst men.

 

6. Thou shalt not steal one's castle or princess, lest ye get foot in ass.

The people of the Mushroom Kingdom take someone stealing their property very seriously, so if you steal something from someone, they have the right to go Batman on your ass. For example, a man in yellow and purple overalls took over Mario’s castle (Now we know what he uses those coins for), so by law Mario has every right to go in and go Scarface on the suspect in question. The difference being you won’t have a tommy gun shoved up your ass.

 

7. Thou shalt avoid the man in purple.

WARNING! AVOID THIS MAN AT ALL COSTS! This man is known to be a stalker, constantly stalking Princess Daisy and Luigi (God only knows why). He is seen with the man in yellow and purple overalls, and has constantly caused incidents with throwing bob ombs at people, causing thousands of coins in property damage. …Also, look at that mustache, it screams 1920’s bad guy!

 

8. Thou shalt not talk to or fight the undead, lest you become one.

The dead walk among the living in the Mushroom Kingdom. A lot of them such as Dry Bones and Boos do nothing but cause mischief, but they turn deadly when attacked or told to stop having fun. Unless you are prepared to fight the undead with a starman or a super powered vacuum, you will most likely end up being boneless like the Spanish pirate Lord Cortez.

 

9. Thou shalt not pass through the Thousand Year Door.

Legend says that a man in red and blue overalls opened the legendary door with the seven crystal stars and defeated the demon sealed within the Palace of Shadow. To this day going through the Thousand Year Door is prohibited, as no one knows if the Palace of Shadow still exists. Some in the town of Rougeport say the door now leads to eternal darkness (See what I did there?), others say the man in red and blue and the demon never existed, but no one dares to even go near the Thousand Year Door to find out.

 

10. Thou shalt remember that when in doubt, go right.

For all future adventurers that embark on their own adventures. This rule is more of a piece of advice, but it works because in the Mushroom Kingdom the sun rises on the right, unless the sun is trying to kill you. If you’re wondering why you don’t want to go left when you are on an adventure, it’s usually because there is either an enemy or a poison mushroom behind you. Don’t think about it, GO RIGHT!

 

I hope these rules have helped you in your life in the Mushroom Kingdom, as it could mean the difference between you living in a mansion, and getting violated by a ghost... Or killing Toad just for the hell of it.

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