Hey all you people!
Hey all you people!
Hey all you people won’t you listen to me!
We just wrote a Top 10! No ordinary top 10!
A top 10 written with a different buddyyyyyyyyyy!
Hey, man, you’ve got to read this top 10. It’s no ordinary top 10. It’s the evilest top 10 on the siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite.
A skibbidy bee ba bop buh ba buh boop boopity bow, yeeeeaaaaah.
But seriously, my dearest (read: five or so) readers, I brought in a different guest this week. I decided ThunderPlant needed some time off to play mafia and photoshop and do whatever it is he does. Also, someone wanted a guest appearance on Pokemon Talk. Why? I dun fuggin know. Anyways, this person’s one bad dude. I think he saved the President or something once? He’s never once managed to really conquer anything, but it’s the Master of Evil himself: DarkHyruleLord!
MWAHAHAHAAA!!! I’ve conquered Hyrule, that’s worth something, right? Well regardless, greetings g1s to a new addition of Pokemon Talk, where we shall count down the top ten most evil Pokemon in existence! You know how the world of Pokemon is filled with greedy and selfish trainers who enslave creatures to do their bidding? Well, let’s just say that some of the Pokemon themselves aren’t much better. In fact, much like how the Pokedex gives off dark secrets of these pocket creatures, we are about to show you our top ten most evil Pokemon in existence that put even Giovanni to shame.
However, we need some guidelines so that we won’t place every Pokemon here. Frankly, nearly all Pokemon are evil one way or another (at least for me). So below are some rules that we agreed on to make this list that much more enjoyable.
So suck it up and listen, maggots! OhGodI’msosorryIloveallofyou
The following Pokemon are listed simply based on how evil they can be. This means appearance, Pokedex entries, moves, abilities, and anything that from the anime/manga that adds to their evil tendencies.
This has absolutely nothing to do with how good or bad the Pokemon are in the games, we’re not ranking them based on how scarily good they are. Heheh
Along the same lines, we are not discrediting any Pokemon based on its evolution line. If a middle evolution happens to be scary than their last stage, tough luck. Sorry Dusknoir, you’re just not scary. (He’s right.)
These Pokemon are not limited by type. While yes, it could be mostly Dark/Ghost Pokemon, there are other that are pretty damn scary for other reasons. I mean, it’ll probably be tons of dark and ghost types though...
Our list, our rules. Sorry bro.
With the above rules and the most evil person in Hyrule, what could possibly go wrong? I’ll be your voice of reason and critical Pokemon analysis in TP’s absence. And with some luck, DarkHyruleLord might not conquer my Top 10 and take on every Pokemon Talk afterward. That being sai- POCKET SAND. Er... I mean Pocket Monsters. Actually, I mean honourable mentions:
Missingno., for those who do not know, was a glitch Pokemon back in the good ol’ days of Red and Blue. I’m really not going to explain the intricacies of the relatively simple glitch though, as most of you will probably know. If not... Godspeed. In short, it allows you to catch Pokemon you wouldn’t normally see in Cinnabar Island, catch Pokemon way above level 100, and mulitply items. The most unique feature of this glitch, however, is seeing a Pokemon named “MISSINGNO.” Literally meaning, missing number, as the game does not know what to do when you get a Pokemon that doesn’t have a Pokedex number between 1 and 151. Why is he evil, you ask? Doesn’t he give you like, a billion master balls and rare candies? Well, yeah. But you know what else he does?! HE ERASES DR COOL GUY’S RED VERSION FILE, CAUSING HIS 5 YEAR OLD SELF TO CRY AND START OVER UNTIL HE ONCE AGAIN GETS ANOTHER LEVEL 100 CHARIZARD (scientifically proven to be stronger than any Pokemon no matter what**). Seriously, if you mess up somewhere (or just do nothing wrong) and catch it, it has the chance to cause game-breaking glitches, and one of the only ways to fix it involves starting over. Fuck you, Missingno.
**Source: Any 5 year old.
After some more thought, I do think that Zubat is one evil prick. However, I think that he is more in the “annoying” area more than the “evil” area, so he didn’t quite make it onto the list. You know where I’m getting at. In far too many of the games in caves, you can pretty much bet that Zubat will be haunting you with random encounters over... and over... and over again. So much to the point that I think Zubats do it just to be a massive troll. If it wasn’t for its ridiculously high encounter rate, then I probably would cut him some slack. I mean, I could see Zubat being captured so that it can be evolved into Crobat for a good sweeper but... ugh. It can use all of these moves at its disposal but it ALWAYS seems to use Confuse Ray again and again just to tick you off even in the wild. It isn’t even worth the bag of XP you get and it is a relatively fast creature (in the earlier stages) so forget trying to run away. Zubat was the one Pokemon that started the economic drive for Max Repels, which is saying a lot.
Just like those two, these guys are scary, mean, evil, gross, maniacal, and seek pleasure in pain. They’re...
Dr. Cool Guy and DarkHyruleLord’s Top 10 Evil Pokemon
Shedinja really has us off to a creepy start. You get a Shedinja by allowing a Nincada to evolve with an empty slot in your party. So really, Shedinja can be thought of as Nincada’s discarded shell. An empty corpse. Its Ruby Pokedex entry states, “Shedinja's hard body doesn't move - not even a twitch. In fact, its body appears to be merely a hollow shell. It is believed that this Pokémon will steal the spirit of anyone peering into its hollow body from its back.” It’s an shell that just floats around, essentially as a zombie Pokemon. It’s dead. Really dead. So dead it steals your soul? I don’t even want to think about what that might be like.
While that idea is most unsettling, it really is very dangerous to keep around a thing like that. After all... doesn’t YOUR soul technically get stolen if you have one since you see Shedinja’s sprite of his backside? You can imagine the amount of souls it has stolen if you think about the number of Shedinja users... *shivers*. But I don’t have to worry about it since I’m pretty sure I don’t have a soul to steal to begin with. >: ) However, Shedinja is only #10 on this list since it doesn’t MEAN to steal souls... it’s just what it is. I mean, if you were some creature that was born with poison skin, it’s not like it’s your fault that those that touch you can get poisoned. In other words, it isn’t malicious and doesn’t have the intention to steal souls... at least from as far as we can tell.
Ninetails is a fox Pokemon (and is a fire type) that is known for it’s nine tails (hence its name), it’s ghostly white-goldish fur, and its red gleaming eyes (evil much?). Red version’s Pokedex describes Ninetails as “Very smart and very vengeful. Grabbing one of its many tails could result in a 1000-year curse.” Ruby version’s Pokedex describes “Ninetales casts a sinister light from its bright red eyes to gain total control over its foe's mind. This Pokémon is said to live for a thousand years.” Needless to say, this Pokemon is rather powerful and isn’t one to be messed with. I mean, a 1000 year curse? That’s a bit overkill there, buddy. But that’s not the end of it if you look behind more of the Pokemon’s background to see why Ninetails is truly evil.
Ninetails is one Pokemon that does not play games. Seriously, one time I bought her an N64 with Star Fox 64 and everything. What did I get? 1000 year curse. What a bitch. But really, ninetails is based off of a kitsune (Japanese word for fox), which are notoriously known for being tricksters. They gain tails as they become older, more wise, and more devious, they gain tails (up to nine total). So really, Ninetails is the most wise any kitsune can be, and she is proud of those nine tails she has. So proud she’ll pretty much ruin your everything for so much as touching them. Ninetails clocks in so low on the list, though, since it really only hurts in sort of self-defense. Kinda.
#8 Gyarados / Hydreigon / Ursaring
We do it again. I do this every time. It’s really hard to narrow down 10 Pokemon every time, and even so, it’s more difficult to rank incredibly similar Pokemon. This is one of those cases. These guys all have one thing in common: destructive rage. Instead of going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about what their Pokedex entries say, I’ll gladly sum them up for you! Gyarados (my favorite of the three, therefore he gets the image) is always mad, and when he sees, well, anything, he decides to level entire cities and kill millions. Hydreigon, while flying around with three separate streams of consciousness attacks anything it sees moving until death. What a prick. Ursaring is just a mad grumpy bear that doesn’t like anything. He’s essentially Winnie the Pooh plus a destructive other bear. Yeah. Analogies. I’m good at those.
We chose these three since they basically hyper beam (or kill) anything within sight. Gyarados was the one that started it. Simply put, don’t mistreat it when it is a Magikarp, because it will remember it and probably Dragon Dance over your corpse. I recall Gyarados also trying to destroy a city... because it was pissed. Ursaring is just as bad, though. There is a reason why this grumpy bear has warning signs around its territory... and that’s because it will hyper beam your face off. Hydreigon just needs anger management, since it is a Dragon that is so angry that it will attack anything that moves. I would hate to think how it manages to find a mate. Even though all of these Pokemon attack on sight, they aren’t quite as evil as others since there usually is some sort of excuse other than bad hormones. After all, they seem to be extremely territorial and nature just made them that way. Can’t blame one like Ursaring that badly when Teddiursa is pretty much easy pickings in the wild. You need some sort of fear in that regard.
Mandibuzz is a vulture pokemon (and a Dark/Flying type) that has black and grey feathers, has a rather... sinister smile, is always a female, and wears a bone as if it’s a hair piece. Black version’s Pokedex entry mentions that “It makes a nest out of the bones it finds. It grabs weakened prey in its talons and hauls it to its nest of bones.” OK, I know that vultures aren’t exactly the most polite creatures that gather up food. I mean, they prefer to eat dead flesh after all. However, Mandibuzz over here seems to ENJOY hunting out weak critters for fun (and possibly torturing them as well if I had to bet since it’s a dark type). But that’s just the beginning.
Mandibuzz is one creepy mother. Like actually. It's only ever female and is creepy as Game Grumps Rule 34. Not only does it make a nest of bones, but it preys on the weak and the innocent for its own gains. Last I checked, that’s actually in the definition of evil ruler. This bird goes so far as to decorate itself with others’ bones. As if it wasn't intimidating enough! Do I really need to say anything else at this point? It eats, sleeps, lives, breeds, and raises children in THE CORPSES OF ITS ENEMIES. Or even just injured Pokemon chillin in some grass. Why don’t you let that little guy heal up? Nope. Eat that sumbitch. Like, what the hell, man. If there was ever a top ten rudest Pokemon, you can expect Mandibuzz up there. It just... creeps the hell outta me, ya know? To think there’s something like this just soaring through the skies, and on my travels, I just see a nest. There she is. A Mandibuzz. Just... standing there... MENACINGLY.
Don’t even kid yourself. When you saw that we were making an evil Pokemon list, you thought of this bad ass canine. Houndoom, while not coming til Gen II, really spawned the evil Pokemon thing. While there are some Gen I Pokemon on this list, their evil really comes from existing for so long and new information being revealed. Ninetails was a trickster that caused curses, Mandibuzz uses bones, but Houndoom straight up runs this place. Several Pokedex entries state that “These Pokémon choose their leader by fighting amongst themselves.” (R/S) and that “Upon hearing its eerie howls, other Pokémon get the shivers and head straight back to their nests.” (FR) This reeks of badassery and shows that Houndoom doesn’t mess around. But these aren’t entirely evil. You know what is? Multiple entries mention that if you ever piss it off, it will breathe fire on you. If you’re burned, it is said that it will hurt forever. Houndoom will wreck. Your. Shit.
Even if you didn’t know about all of that information up there, you just have to look at it to KNOW it is evil. It looks like some kind of hellhound on steroids with black and red skin with bones on its back. He also has horns. HORNS! How many Pokemon actually have horns? ...wellactuallyalot but there’s no denying that it pretty much looks like a demon, or the closest thing we'll get to a demon. (Even though its stats aren't fantastic). I always did try to get one the moment I saw a Team Rocket member (who else?) use one. And that was just on looks alone. I’m going on the record of saying that I would totally want Houndoom as a pet right beside my evil throne.
Drifloon is a Ghost/Flying type that pretty much looks like a purple balloon with two stringy legs. HeartGold’s and SoulSilver’s Pokedex entries state that “It is whispered that any child who mistakes Drifloon for a balloon and holds on to it could wind up missing.” That’s... awfully disturbing. Especially considering the fact that... oh, I dunno... parents let their ten-year-old kids run loose to go catch these critters? But do you know where they are taking them and why they are doing it? The answer is even more disturbing, and it can’t help but remind me of psychotic killers when you find out the answer. Not only that, but it steals away children. It’s certainly setting up a good example so far. I hope it's proud.
Drifloon gets some real points for creativity. It just floats around and tries to swoop down and catch children? That’s some crazy thinking right there. The only problem is, and the reason Drifloon isn’t any higher is, well, it’s not very good at it. Being such a light Pokemon (essentially the weight of a helium-filled balloon), it often just gets grabbed by said children and is unable to fly away. But it’s the thought that counts, right? No? Didn’t think so. Sure that’s pretty gosh darn evil, I must say, but it’s not a successful evil mastermind by any means. It’s hard to be intimidating when the slightest gust of wind carries you away.
Duskull. Just look at this cute little fucker. I love this guy. He’s way better than Shuppet/Banette ever will be (proven by the fact that he got an extra evolution and Banette didn’t). And even though he may look cute as all hell, well, he may actually be from Hell. Its Emerald Pokedex entry states that “A glare from its single scarlet eye makes even burly grown-ups freeze in utter fear. It is a nocturnal Pokémon that roams about under the cloak of darkness.” And the Platinum entry doesn’t help by adding “It loves the crying of children. It startles bad kids by passing through walls and making them cry.” He looms over children just to steal their souls for fun. And just looking it in the eye is enough to strike fear in the bravest of men? I know I don’t wanna mess with Duskull.
Duskull had to have had done something (try saying THAT five times fast) in order to inspire fear in the hearts of men like that. My guess is that, since there is no actual Grim Reaper that I know of in the Pokemon realm, Duskull essentially IS a Grim Reaper. That’s right. Every single one of them is a spawn of pure death. (Perhaps Game Theory could get behind this? Doc: Oh, I’d be so honored.) It still wouldn’t be too evil though, especially if that’s just its unfortunate job, but NO. It seems to take PLEASURE from this... haunting children particularly! It’s like some evil devil that likes to go around, probably abuse its power, and play pranks on children for the joy of it. How evil do you have to be to enjoy hearing children cry? Apparently as evil as Duskull is.
Gorebyss is a Water-type that resembles a pink eel with a thin body and some clams on its belly for whatever reason. It looks innocent enough... until Dr. Cool Guy showed me how you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Sapphire’s Pokedex entry states that “Although Gorebyss is the very picture of elegance and beauty while swimming, it is also cruel. When it spots prey, this Pokémon inserts its thin mouth into the prey's body and drains the prey of its body fluids.” This reminds me far too much of other mythical creatures such as sirens/mermaids that use their looks to fool their prey to their watery grave. Add that to a Pokemon that is probably the closest thing to a leech Pokemon, and you have a winning combination for one sinister creature.
This. Gorebyss. She’s an evil monster. I had her at #1 before I found out otherwise. She even has the word gore in her name. Gross. She makes you think you’re all safe and sound as she swims by just before revealing evil intentions. She only sees you as food and she makes sure you realize everything you ever knew was a lie at the moment of your death. Gorebyss is that kind of girlfriend that you kinda like cause she’s pretty and kinda harmless. As you spend time with her you find out you have a ton in common and she’s actually pretty great. You buy her tons of expensive gifts, take her out to nice places, and you have so much fun. After a few years, you decide to propose one day and instead of saying yes, she DRAINS THE FLUIDS FROM YOUR BODY, THEREFORE KILLING YOU. LINDAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Seriously, what a bitch.
Everybody knows who Mewtwo is. He’s a vicious genetic clone of Mew that was born without a heart. He’s been the main antagonist in two movies, which speaks volumes of his evilness, and he’s done some of the worst things imaginable in the world of Pokemon. He cloned a butt ton of Pokemon in the first movie, forced them all to fight each other, and then TURNED ASH TO STONE AND MADE POKEMON CRY. He made Pokemon, creatures that casually fight to the (sort of) death on a regular basis CRY. That’s evil as all hell, man. He even made little Dr Cool Guy cry at the ripe age of like, 6. Honestly, there’s nothing more for me to add.
He is pretty much an actual Pokemon dictator. Not too surprising since he was Giovanni’s pet for the longest time. He abuses his powers to brainwash people to do his bidding just to scare powerful trainers into making him his master and such. He has a machine that makes evil clones with... creepy markings on them (that I guess signify that they are more powerful than normal ones). Oh, and they also do his bidding without question, too. If it wasn’t for Ash, the machine probably would also absorb the souls or kill them off or some other freaky thing that shouldn’t be in a movie for kids. Then Mewtwo later is like “Oh crud, Mew is actually more powerful than me,” and then makes a lazy excuse that he’s learned his lesson when he probably just retreats to think up of some other evil scheme. Worse yet though, is that he ERASES the memories of those that were there in order to rewrite history. Sound familiar? It should because dictators and some of the more brutal people of this earth erased records or burned books. King Leopold II of Belgium caused the deaths of millions in the Congo just for the wealth he obtained from the rubber. He later burned books and records of it in order to have people to forget about it. While Mewtwo didn’t kill millions, not many other Pokemon in that realm actually try to attempt murder to get power. And then Mewtwo tries to erase that from history? Not cool, dude.
Just... -sniff- God dammit, Mewtwo... No one’s more evil-hearted than you... Wait. Except uhhh, someone who’s actually caused harm to a LOT of people. That’s right, the most vicious Pokemon of them all.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE
Didn’t expect Pikachu, did you? Yep. That little plump, yellow-furred battery used is the most evil Pokemon in existence... No... this isn’t some joke like you would put Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker at the #1 spot for the best Sega Genesis game before putting the real number 1 up. We are very serious! Although actually... PORYGON was going to take the number one spot until Dr. Cool Guy did a little bit more research. You know where I’m going with this... the Seizure Episode. For those that don’t know or forgot, here is a quick refresher: there was one episode in the first season of the Pokemon cartoon where there was a scene that caused hundreds of kids to get seizures in Japan when it first aired and quite a few actually ended up going into the hospital. Needless to say, it was banned from air for all time and it nearly killed the cartoon to boot, too. We first thought that Porygon caused the blue-and-red flickering that caused the seizures but NOPE. It was Pikachu all along with his thunderbolt. A Pokemon that harms children in real life deserves the number one spot for being the most evil Pokemon of all time, no questions asked. It’s beyond rude that Pikachu still gets the spotlight for being the poster boy for the Pokemon series. But ohhhhhhhh boy. There’s so much more to say.
Pikachu. Where do I begin? You caused 685 Pokemon lovers to have to go to the hospital, two of which stayed for a couple of weeks. Why Pikachu? All they ever did was LOVE you. They put you on the face of games, consoles, handhelds, backpacks, posters, and everything Pokemon, and THIS is how you repay them? You make me sick. Not only this, but have you seen the first episode of Pokemon? He refuses to ever go into his Pokeball from the get go, shocks Ash just for fun and basically calls him stupid through Dexter (Ash’s Pokedex). What a fucker! Not to mention he’s too fuckin proud to even evolve. This is basically limiting Ash and everyone else around him, dragging everyone down. So let’s sum everything up. He lusts to be on everything Pokemon related even though he sucks. He’s greedy for attention and he’s too lazy to even listen to his trainer at the beginning. If even his trainer does something that even slightly angers him? Zap. He’s envious of the rest of Ash’s Pokemon, thus makes sure he stays with Ash the most. And he’s just too damn proud to even evolve for the sake of everyone else. That’s right. Pikachu basically (sorta almost) embodies the SEVEN DEADLY SINS.
And there you have it people. Pikachu is basically the devil. I think that’s a uhh... Pretty solid case for being the most evil Pokemon. Some nice logic in there. Ignore the fact that I may have sort of possiblykindsortabullshit some reasons and maybealittlestretched some reasoning for those reasons... Uhh... Yeah. Sorry. He’s still an evil prick for hospitalizing people ANYWAYS. I hope everyone enjoyed our list, and again, thanks to Darkhyrulelord for joining me! It was nice having you on Pokemon Talk!
My pleasure. Even though some of these reasons are stretched (mostly for humor’s sake), it still is a bit unsettling that children go around trying to capture these things. Make sure to check out Dr. Cool Guy’s other blogs too since they’re highly enjoyable.
And give this bro a follow on twitter, if you will, at @darkhyrulelord of course. And you can find myself at @Dr_Cool_Guy and doing these lists every couple of weeks. Thunderplant will be back next time along with our super secret special guest for, as you know hopefully...
The Top 5 Things We’d Like to See in Generation VI Which is Now Kinda Dated Because Wow Writing These Takes a Long Time with Three People!
So thanks again!