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Top 10 Generator : Signs of Weakness!

5/6/12 2:00pm
tl;dr

There has been a lot of talk lately about hardcore gamers. Both ShaunTern and Alpha Unit tried to define this class by concentrating on their characteristics. But that is not my style, as a REAL Hardcore Gamer, I EXPOSE FLAWS and CONDEMN the WEAK. So be prepared weaklings for I am declaring the 10 weaknesses of your pathetic attempts at gaming.

Editor's Note: BigJoe91 really brings the laughs with this great bit of parody ..... I'm guilty of at least eight of these.   

10. Strategy – Being slightly better than someone’s weakness

You know what I’m talking about! The Mavericks Weaknesses, using a Phoenix Down on an undead enemy, Samus electrifying the Giant Shrimp, Super Effective hits: All examples of not being able to beat the game properly. It’s alright to accidentally use these, but not exploit them. If you need more proof, watch Jared play Mega Man X. He doesn’t use the bosses’ weaknesses (so much).

It would be too easy if it were super effective.

 

9. Grinding/Farming- How to compensate for lack of skill.

It’s all happened to us before! You get to a boss and you can’t beat it on the first try. So you go back and gain a couple of levels or items so you have a better chance at beating him. It’s normal right? No! It’s not! You don’t lack levels or items; you lack skills. I would even say, you lack “skillz”. Get your game on, start over and do it properly. No, being 60 hours into the game is not an excuse to not start over. And, by the way, if you’re going to farm, do it yourself, don’t use a bot you lazy loser.

Preparing for a Doberman.

 

8. That item – Hoarding: Dominating alive.

We all hoard in video games. Collecting everything we see and NEVER using it. Some people say they’re keeping it for the harder battles, but that’s never the case. Hardcore gamers just keep them to show off how much they don’t need them. Who uses an Elixir, an Ultra Bomb or the BFG anyway? These big items are just there to have fun once in a while, they’re not meant to be used. You haven’t really beaten a game if you've used anything  other than a pea shooter.

A megalixir against some plants? Weak.

 

7. Cheat Codes – “▲▲▼▼◄►◄►B A”-tch

Aw cool! You have extra lives and you’re invincible! You must really be good to remember all of this input sequence! Unless you’re looking at it right now on the Internet or you’re using a Game “Genie”, genius. Fortunately, using these codes to play the game, you won’t need to learn anything else. Good job removing the challenge from the game. Are you the kind of person who leaves all of his jars open just in case they get stuck closed? Do you leave your door unlocked in case you lose your keys? Do you buy new clothes instead of washing them? Close that cheat code web-page, reset the game and do it right this time, unless you do want to bathe in mediocrity.

Enhances the tools of impotent gamers.

 

6. Walkthroughs – “Read the following text until the next number”

Really? You need a written description of everything you need to do? I bet you use a GPS to go to the bathroom. Do you also read the terms of agreements? Do you read the recipe for your Kraft Dinner? I mean, come on. At least try to play the game yourself. If you’re going to use the walkthrough, might as well watch the gameplay on Youtube.

Even casual gamers need help...

 

5. Easy Difficulty – A kid’s skill in an adult body

There is only one reason for choosing the easy mode: Being illiterate and choosing the option that’s higher up because of that. Since you are reading this, though, you must not be illiterate. So why choose the baby mode? Are you afraid the little monsters are going to hurt you? Have your balls fallen off the last time you got stung by a mosquito? If you want to be a hardcore gamer there is only one difficulty accepted: Hardcore! Not that “wussy” difficulty put in the game in case a "Grade A" moron wants to get a glimpse of a feeling of accomplishment.

Why would you pick the upper one?

 

4. Outside Help – Behind every weak gamer is a good gamer

So you couldn’t do it alone. You tried your best on your whole two tries, and just missed it. Maybe your big brother or your daddy can help you. You’ll surely get better by asking someone else to finish this stage. Or maybe you could use Dad’s credit card to buy a shiny new weapon! You could even ask a friend to quest with you and level you up! No! Bad gamer! You only learn alone, with practice! Practice makes perfect! (Well, not perfect since you’re not me, but pretty close.) Now you turn around and tell that friend of yours that you will bash your head against this level until you bleed skill! That’ll impress him!

After that, daddy will clear world 1-1 for you.

 

3. Giving Up – Are you sure you’ll read this blog ‘til the end?

This one is obvious: Never give up! I cannot stress this enough. The problem with this now famous saying is that it has been spread as a motivational sentence whereas I want to make it a law. You should not be allowed to run away nor to give up! Craig showed that to all of us by beating Tyson. No game should ask you to give up: In fact, every game should give you unlimited continues and prevent you from closing the console or changing games until you beat it! That way, you’d pay a higher electricity bill for sucking at a game. That would teach you not to give up! 

Yes, until the fat lady sings!

 

2. Taking Breaks - Not an option in Screwattack world

I remember when I got a Wii and played Wii Sports for the first time. I played for a while and then the Wii did something unthinkable: It asked me to take a break! Of course, the fact that it was showing an open window with curtains floating in a gentle breeze kind of pissed me off since we were in the middle of a snowstorm. but the real reason why I’m complaining is that breaks are for weaklings. You didn’t think Craig’s rule applied only to Screwattack employees did you? No g1s, the rule also applies to the community. Does Alpha Unit take breaks when he’s in “serial commenter” mode? Does Stickman take break on twitter when promoting Space Penguins? Do the g1features crew take a week off? Does Nobleteam lay down his game when doing the Reaction Command Podcast? Do the bronies stop for a while in their constant attempts of Screwattack invasion? Of course they don’t. That’s how you reach true success.

No, Nintendo. We don't take breaks!

 

1. Super In-Game Guide – And you thought you had dignity left.

You know this is your fault. You sucked so bad they had to include an option to do the stage for you. They didn’t want you to feel the pain of defeat because your little fragile heart might not take it. How pathetic is that? This is the combination of most of the above. After giving up out of desperation, you take a break from playing to let an outside help walkthrough complete the level for you. New Super Mario Bros. Wii had this option. Donkey Kong Country Returns had this option. These game laugh in your face in your times of misery and, guess what? You deserve this...

Congrats! You watched a dummy Luigi beat a stage for you...

 

So here were the reasons why I despise you weaklings...Bunch of losers... Don’t even deserve the time I wasted on you...Won’t even read this blog until the end... mumble grumble.

You know what? I’m not done with you so follow me on twitter  so I can rant some more!

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