Top 10 Guest Characters for Super Smash Bros

Posted on October 3, 2013 - 1:00pm by BenNiGeLing

TLDR;

In the spirit of "Holy Shit am I bored Day", which is every Thursday in October, I started thinking about what a mirror version of me would be like. Thus the most lovable philanthropist, philatelist and supporter of gay marriage was born: [G3R]bENnIgElING_3L1735N1P3R_212.

Then I imagined what would happen if he wrote something. What are the thoughts I would never think? Can a man but try to capture the spirit of all that is not him? Can he grasp what hides behind the curtains of disgust? Would the terror of his own dark side not send him into a spiraling descent into madness?

Then I figured it'd be fun to fuck with people, so here's the WORST POSSIBLE Top 10 Smash Bros Guest Characters!

 

10. Yoshimitsu(Tekken/Soulcalibur)

Before I start ridiculing 30% of the world's population, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I am no different. I too have unrealistic, stupid hopes for future Smash Bros games. Just not THAT unrealistic and stupid.

Preeetty unrealistic and stupid, though.

 

Just a quick reminder: Everything that follows the next line is a joke.

Now that that's out of the way, over to you, [G3R]bENnIgElING_3L1735N1P3R_212.

 

Well, well, well, looks like Suck-U-rai decided to include Sonic and Mega Man in Smash Bros. What a dumb idea! There's so many 3rd party characters that would be way better than the Blue Barf and the...er...Blue...Barfer.

 

9. Mark the Ninja(Mark the Ninja)

Nintendo doesn't support Indian devolpers enough and Smash Bros needs Grapplers! Mark could do his sneaky kills as throws and he has a chain so he can climb back up again, and he can use his thing...his tattoo of the Ninjas to teleport and all other players can't see far because he's a Ninja!!!. He's very light and small so he dies fast but is hard to hit (because he's a Ninja!!!(!)). He can also freeze time and run on walls, and in his Monster Mash he drops a chend- chandli- big lamp on the stage!

 

8. Decus(Tales of Symphonia 2)

The Tales of games are the best and don't range from bad to slightly above average, only idiots say that! Decus is awesome because his attacks have German names, and German is the best language and all others should learn it so people can finally understand them! He should always shout the names of his attacks, especially Sturm und Drang, because that's the best one, but Ausbruch is also really good and his Final Flash is all of them at the same time!

 

7. Super Meat Boy (Super Meat Boy)

Super Meat Boy from Super Meat Boy can jump and run with unparalleled precision and er...and...hm.

 

6. Morgan Freeman(Half-Life 2: Episode 1)

In Super Smash Bros the greatest heroes and villains in video game history hit each other a lot until they fall of the thing. But there's one important hero the series doesn't have yet: Morgan Freeman from Half-Life 2: Episode 1. He can just have all of Snake's moves - it's not like he's going to need them anymore- and his Prickly Pash is exactly what it sounds like.

 

5. Captain Price (BlOplCoBl 8)

An even bigger and iconicer characterer than Morgan Freeman is of course The-Captain-formerly- known-as-Price. He uses guns for his attacks, and uses guns for his special attacks and uses a slightly bigger gun for his Gun Gun.

 

4. bENnIgElING the XHedgehogX

I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. I couldn't even...begin to think about this one. It was one of the first things to come to my mind, and got stuck. I refuse to sink so low as to actually elaborate on this joke. Instead, enjoy this video of Batman punching Dracula super hard.

 

 

3. Pacman (Pacman)

Edit: Well now I just look like an idiot, don't I?

 

2. Shrek (Shrek)

I was really disappointed when they decided to remove all Shrek characters from Shrek Super Slam 2, and kinda surprised when the game was renamed and released as the Smash Bros spin off Sony Battle Royal Allstars: Sony Allstars Battle Battle. This is why Shrek needs to be in the original Smash Bros series. If they don't put Shrek in, Smash Bros will see the same drop in quality as the Super Slam series has with Allstars Rosy Soy Battle. His Crash Bash is the super fart from the original Super Slam.

 

1. The Dragon (Heroes of Might & Magic)

Heroes of Might & Magic II was the greatest turnbased strategy game on the Gameboy Color, but Nintendo don't show the love the franchise deserves. What better representative could there be than the most powerful unit from the original HoM&M: The Dragon! He can fly and spit fire and...fly and when he uses his Splish Splash, fan favorite Warlock Alamar appears and casts the iconic Elemental Rain EVERYONE knows and loves.

 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a long bath to wash off the [G3R]ms. Why don't you make a ridiculous suggestion for the next Smash Bros while I'm gone. Knock yourself out. And don't wait for me to come back, that's not how text works.

 

...

 

Okay, I'm back, I forgot to bring my novelty sized rubber du- What are you standing around here for? Go on, comment. Chop-chop!

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