Top 10 Ridiculous Weapons in Gaming
Weapons. We love ourselves some good weapons. Whether it's a gun, or a chainsaw or a gun with a chainsaw or a gun that shoots saws, weapons come in a wide variety of destructive power. They also come in a wide variety of "suckiness" and general weirdness. Some are just outright ridiculous, and this is what we're counting down today.
So today I invited a very active 2013 list maker and fellow game collector to dig out our choices for the most ridiculous weapons in gaming history.
Hi there Noble Team! (1) (Who's text will be in italics)
Well hello there kitty and yes, we will be talking about weapons that make you think "REALLY?" as they’re either so over the top in nature or just out of place in their respective game. Though, on a side note, it's also always great working with a fellow g1 though this one is a cat, which is strange growing up a dog person. But to get back on track here are some of the most over the top weapons in gaming.
Right, it's important to note that we're not counting down the weakest weapons, but the most ridiculous choices. The kind of weapons you'd only expect Jackie Chan to use. We had some trouble limiting ourselves to 10 so we'll start with some honorable mentions. Would you kindly lead us into it?
So this is a list of what we consider to be some of the most ridiculous weapons in gaming, my honorable mention being the Flashlight in Alan Wake. What makes this weapon so over the top? Well it's required for the entire game as well as needed to defeat enemies and bosses. Here is how overpowered this flashlight is: it can cause a possessed tractor to just disappear. If that doesn't blow your mind well I don't know what will. Though I wonder what my fellow partner in crime's honorable mention is?
Easy one. I'll have to mention that "Ball" thing from Arkanoid. It's not really made clear in the first game, but Arkanoid is a ship deployed to destroy the evil Doh (a giant floating Easter Isle statue). What's this highly advanced spaceship’s weapon? A freaking ball which needs to bounce on bricks... The ship has access to lasers, but you just keep throwing a little metal ball at your enemies... Meanwhile there’s a giant talking head shooting lasers from its mouth and deploying endless waves of aliens. How stupid is that?
My god, deadly balls? Wonder what they will think of next? Also we should destroy Easter Island heads for the purpose International Security.
I'll let NASA do that. Let's hope they include a flashlight on their spaceship just in case. SHINE ON you crazy astronauts!
Final Fantasy has some ridiculous weapons and although I agree with Noble's choice, I couldn't exclude mine from the list. What we could exclude were dictionaries, handbags, umbrellas, mops. etc. Tell us more about your choice Noble.
I will start off by saying that outside of meeting BigJoe's entry in their respective game, I never used that character at all. But I do remember that one creepy character from Final Fantasy IX and her useless Fork. What makes Quina and her Fork over the top is the fact that she just stabs you with it, and I truly wish I was making that up, but in a game with swords and magic her choice of attack is to stab you with a Fork. Then there’s also the fact that even if you buy a better Fork, it still doesn't do that much damage. So yeah it's useless and pretty dumb, with a character that will remind you of Big the Cat. Though I'm curious to see what BigJoe's entry from Final Fantasy is?
Well, the major part of most RPGs weapons' ridiculousness comes with the fact that for some reason every shop in every town sells them. The Fork is probably one of the best examples since it's a giant fork. Who uses a giant fork as a weapon? How has this become an acknowledged weapon? Same thing with my choice: Cait Sith's Megaphone in Final Fantasy VII. First off, the megaphone is only used so the talking cat can yell at the monster thingy he's riding. The monster then bashes the enemy. It's not too bad, but it's a pretty weird method of attack. How can the type of megaphone translate into an actual damage increase? The truth is that no one would know how to use a megaphone as a weapon. If I'm stuck with a fork, I'll use it. If I'm stuck with a megaphone... I'm in deep trouble. I think the picture below will sum up my thoughts.
If you had to prep yourself for the Zombie Apocalypse then you should check out the one game that can properly prepare you: Zombies Ate My Neighbors, which also has entry #9 the soda grenades. All this time everyone has said that soda was bad for you, well they were all wrong as this game has taught me that a 6 pack of sodas can help you defeat zombies with a refreshing taste of PEPSI ( I better get 5 bucks for plugging them too), though this game is just over the top in nature. It also helps out that the soda grenades do plenty of damage in this game too, so there both ridiculous and useful unlike those forks and megaphones.
Soda grenades... If there's one thing I wouldn't kill zombies with, it's a can of delicious PEPSI Cola. But apparently it's pretty powerful, that attack radius is awfully large also. When I first saw this, I was impressed. All these years people were practicing soda grenades and rockets with Mentos we thought they were messing around, but they might just be recreating that infamous Zombie Ate My Neighbors weapon.
Truly the next step in modern warfare is soda grenades I cannot wait till the Army starts using them.
So coming in at #8 is Earthworm Jim but, to be specific, his head. Though this game is pretty random and strange in it's own ways, I always found whipping the main characters head to be ridiculous. What I like is the fact that Jim's head is not only a weapon but is also lets you glide as as a helicopter which means, yeah, Jim's head is not only a whip but also a chopper. Then there's also the fact that Jim's head whip is also needed to progress; so it's random and over the top, but it's also useful. The last thing is whenever I use Jim's head as a whip I also think of Devo's " Whip It".
What is it with worms and ridiculous weapons? Well Jim certainly knows how to use his head (obligatory pun). Let's face it though, Jim is a worm in a suit. Yet, he finds it logical to use the only part of his body that could be vulnerable to attack his enemies. Using it Bionic Commando style must be pretty painful as well. Couple that with the whipping noise and motion, I'm pretty sure Jim is a bit into S&M.
Truly Jim lives by no rules as he risks his neck (pun intended) to save others.
I put this way too damn high on my list. Of course it is one of the coolest power-up from the coolness filled Mario 3, but it's only there for one stage. It's a TEASE! Why can't I use it more often? Why isn't it there in any of the other games? WHY? Also, when you really think about it, Mario kills enemies by stomping on them with his shoes... Why would he need an extra shoe to do more damage? It’s a power-up that gives Mario the skill to kill enemies by JUMPING ON THEM! Ugh...
I remember when I first tried this weapon and, my god, you’re right. What would a pair of Kuriboe shoes do? Well it might make this game way too easy. Though I just found it strange that a walking mushroom was the first thing that you saw with this shoe, but my god once you got this shoe that stage was yours to own. Though I found it strange that a furry like mario would also just get within a shoe in which he killed the previous owner of it.
That is pretty nasty. Don't forget it's almost impossible to finish the stage with a star using this shoe... It’s not as good as you think. Stupid shoe..
Flinging your partner around... That's pretty dangerous and stupid. It's also required in both DKC2 and DKC3. While this move was introduced in DKC2 I believe that DKC3 is the one which uses it in the most ridiculous way. How can Dixie throw Kiddie anyway? It can't be good for her neck or her hair. That kid is heavy and don't forget he's still a baby. Chances are his diapers are gonna be full at one point in the game... Ew...
To me this was one of the first games in which I would purposely just throw my partner into the places that were impossible for me to reach, so that I could make them leave me alone as I wanted to play DKC2 all to myself back then. You do bring up a good point however, how does Dixie actually pick up Kiddie Kong? Well guess that's videogame logic, though it was also pretty fun killing enemies with you partner as it was the easy way to kill most enemies without risking too much.
You're right. Although, your partner could get damaged with the throw, but only in really rare cases.
Big the Cat... Big the MotherF***ing CAT. Who likes this guy? Now I don't like bashing on other cats, but he's pretty much the worst example of a gaming cat there is. So, of course, a ridiculous and weak character like him has to use an unlikable weapon: The fishing rod. Don't get me wrong, a fishing rod could be a pretty cool weapon if you used it by reeling in enemies. But Big just uses it to whack his enemies. To be honest, his hands would probably do more damage.
Ahh sadly Big the Cat is voiced in the first Sonic Adventure by one of the manliest voices ever John St John, but even his voice couldn't make the fishing rod not seem like a ridiculous weapon. It's barely any help at all. While I like cats, current company included, I do believe you in why Big is the worst cat in gaming as he is just so strange, like using a Fishing Rod for his main weapon strange, instead of his big fists.
It's not just Sonic Adventure... The sonic RPG also shows a useless Big the Cat and his awful fishing rod moves.
Castlle Crashers is one of the most fun beat em’ ups I've played with some pretty cool swords, but one stood out to me which is the Lollipop sword, the main weapon of the Pink Knight. What I love about this ridiculous weapon is how much it stands out in each level regardless if you’re playing with 3 friends. If you pick up this sword you will be known as "the person with the lollipop sword". I also did pick this weapon as my main weapon when I played Castle Crashers with Tom, Woodyman and Ryan Stout, so yep I'm super biased about this pick.
As for me, I barely know Castle Crashers. But you cannot ignore a lollipop sword. All I saw were some gameplay videos and I was laughing my tail off. It almost single handedly convinced me to buy Castle Crashers... This is why making a collaboration list is so fun, you always get great ideas from your collaborators. In any case, a pink knight smashing people with a lollipop? Good luck taking the candy from that baby.
Truly one of the most manly swords ever.
My favorite Kirby game of all time comes with a plethora of great power-ups. One of the best power-ups available is the Yo-Yo. It has such an overpowered range, it's ridiculous. Don’t forget throwing people on the ground with it AND showing off some breakdance moves. Now Kirby isn't the only character to have used a Yo-Yo as a weapon, but there is no reason why this little piece of plastic attached to a string could be as strong as a whopping hammer or plasma balls...
Ahh I remember Kirby Super Star and pretty happy that I still own that game though barely used the Yo-Yo myself as I would use beam Kirby more, as that hat on Kirby looked so adorable. The thing was that Yo-Yo Kirby along with UFO kirby made most of this game a breeze so I would try to avoid using them, but at least it seems that Kirby has unleashed the true power of the Yo-Yo.
Well I had to use a Yo-Yo... It was the 90's after all.
Everybody loves disco and, well, if you truly do, then you would love to have #2 right here: the Groovitron Glove. What makes this weapon so ridiculous is the fact that once you use it, all of your enemies within its radius just completely stop what they’re doing and start to boogie. Also, this weapon effects bosses too, which means you will see some huge creatures starting to dance once you use the Groovitron Glove. The other thing about this ridiculous weapon is that it's pretty useful as it pretty much lets you attack your enemies without worrying about being attacked back, as they truly caught the Disco Fever.
Ratchet and Clank also need more attention from my part, but these weapons! The groovitron glove shows what these kind of games are all about. That weapon was made to boogie and I bet it's as useful as you said. PlayStation did base the entirety of their ads around the craziness of these weapons. Also, think about it, making dancing animations for all enemies in a game. That's commitment!
And what if all that disco fever made you horny? Well, there’s number 1 for that.
So here we are at the number 1 choice of ridiculous weapons and the choice is the Dildo, which I remember fondly from Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, though I've heard they've made this penis based weapon even more powerful in Saint's Row 3. So what made the dildo in GTA over the top for me was the fact that out of your entire arsenal, that you could just beat people to death with that weapon, hell you could even kill people with the didlo in a gimp suit. So yeah I also would try to go on rampages too try to kill the police with the dildo though I had to used cheats to stay alive, but still good times slapping people in San Adreas to death with the dildo.
The ultimate dick move in gaming (oh come on, you knew this pun was coming) is to beat up someone to death with a giant "godmichet". Screw your enemies, penetrate their defenses, hump their dignity, let them come... Ok I'll stop. This weapon is ridiculous. It's simply the biggest slap to someone's pride the designers could think of. You know what? They pulled it off nicely.
Truly this blog is making me think hard and long.. damn now I've started using bad puns.
That's what writing with me will cause. In any case, there you have it folks, the 10 most ridiculous excuses for a weapon in gaming. Thanks for joining me Noble Team! It was fun!
Truly I would love working with you again and it was my pleasure to work with you too. Finally I hope the g1's enjoy this too.
They better like it. KRANG SUIT KITTY COMMANDS IT!