Some rules for the ScrewAttack Staff to follow on their adventure in New York City.
Woodyman here for a quick little blog.
As I’m sure you’re all aware of, ScrewAttack versus Dorkly in New York City is happening in just a few days. When this event was announced, I was excited. I live approximately an hour outside the city, so I thought I’d get to meet g1s and the ScrewAttack staff. Alas, the gods have forsaken me… I can’t go…
I have work for the majority of the day, and then after work I have an oral surgery I need done.
WELL THIS SUCKS!
Well, I decided that since I can’t make it to ScrewAttack v. Dorkly, the best thing I can do is give the ScrewAttack staff some advice (in no particular order) on what to do/not do when they are in my home city (Well technically my home city is Coppell, TX and then Pitsburgh, and then The Big Apple) and the best city in the world, NEW YORK CITY!
Frank Sinatra – New York, New York
The Lovin’ Spoonful – Summer in the City
Jay-Z – Empire State of Mind
Okay, let’s begin!
Okay… true story!
A few years ago, James, my friend from South Carolina visited me in New York City. We had a fun time, did all the normal touristy things, and then went back to my apartment for some dinner. While at the apartment, James said “I don’t know why everyone says New Yorkers are rude, I had a ton of friendly ladies waving at me.” It was at this statement, that me and my girlfriend at the time started to laugh out loud. These so called “friendly ladies” were prostitutes…
So learn from James. The “friendly ladies” might just be hookers looking for some cash.
New York City truly has some “colorful characters”. On any given day you can see Darth Vader, a man with a snake wrapped around his neck, and someone screaming at no one. It’s just the nature of the city. Now many foreigners think we ignore these “performers” but that is a lie. We see the performers, but we are just not surprised anymore. We’re used to it. So when you come to the city, enjoy the sites… but don’t point it out to us locals. We’ve seen it all before.
If you’re a sports fan, this one might seem obvious but things are a bit different in NYC. We take our sports teams very seriously… even though a few of them are in New Jersey. (Also quick note, don’t compare us to NJ at all). The big one to avoid is any Boston Red Sox gear, but there are a few others you should be aware of. Don’t wear any gear or clothing of the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Philadelphia Flyers, and depending how the next NHL Playoff game goes, the Ottawa Senators. If you do wear a rivals clothing, you won’t be jumped or attacked (This isn’t Eurotrip)… but expect a bit of verbal abuse.
Basically, just beware of fakes. NYC is a place full of fake purses, fake DVDs, and fake boobs. While I’m not one to complain, just be wary about buying knockoffs or knockers at full price, when they look sketchy.
It’s no secret that New York City has the best Pizza in the entire United States. So get some pizza… For best results avoid all chain restaurants, and any place that looks too fancy (aka has a waiter). You don’t wanna go to the most run down place you see, but a little grime is good. If you’re really unsure ask a native (brentalfloss) because all New Yorkers have an opinion on the best slice in the city.
Also we have good bagels… same rules above apply.
If you don’t already know, New York City has a huge homeless population. So if you have some leftovers or some extra cash to spare, then give generously. They truly do appreciate it. Also they’re human beings so don’t be a prick.
Since the ScrewAttack staff is going to a franchise, Dave and Busters for their battle against the internet it shouldn’t be too bad. However, while you’re in Times Square you may want to do some shopping or some drinking. If so bring a hefty amount of cash because shit is expensive. Not every store is bad, but you might be a bit shocked at some of the prices we got.
This one may seem a bit stereotypical, but from personal experience living in the city and going to the city… I find that it’s true. A majority of the people in NYC don’t have manners. If you bump into someone else, don’t say “excuse me” or “sorry” just keep walking. If someone bumps into you… then punch them in the face and break their nose. There is NO ROOM FOR MANNERS IN THE CITY! So if someone is rude to you then sweep the leg, Johnny!
Even though this list isn’t any specific order, this is one of the most important entries ever. While I say, don’t trust the taxis what I really mean is don’t trust any cars. This kinda goes hand in hand with the last entry about manners. Basically what I’m trying to say is… cars don’t stop for anything. They somewhat obey stop signs, lights, and cops but if you’re crossing the road you are fair game. This is why if you live in the city, or are visiting you have to develop “city walking”. Walk like you’re the only one that matters and cross the street like Frogger. You avoid cars, they don’t avoid you… because they will hit you… and you will go splat.
As I said above, this list isn’t in any particular order but this is the most important rule about going to New York City. I’ll be the first to admit that the Big Apple is a little rotten (it’s a dirty city). Not every part of the city, but quite a few. So you gotta be aware of your surroundings, especially when it comes time to poop. Everyone poops and if you hafta go then do it in a safe environment. Go in the airport, the hotel, a large chain restaurant!
Now you may be wondering why I say this is the most important entry on the list, and that’s because one time I didn’t poop in safety, and it scarred me for life. I was in the city near the Jacob Javitz Center and I really had to go. So I stopped in a local, small pizzeria to use their restroom. Well there restroom was in a dimly lit basement, and was shared with two other stores. I was terrified but I went about my business. While finishing up the door to the stall slammed open and a large hairy woman started screaming at me in some foreign language for a good 30 seconds…. Then left. So from now on when I’m in the city I always poop in safety and you should to.
Well g1s and ScrewAttack crew that was my quick list. I hope you enjoyed it and will listen to my advice next time you are in NYC. Please note that this list isn’t to be taken too seriously, it was made for fun. NYC is a great place full of great people.
So Craig, Jared, Sam, and Bryan be sure to kick some Dorkly butt!
This time you better win!
Also, I just want to use this opportunity to thank Intern Shelby aka Roocrow for sending me this Digimon card with Woodmon. I truly appreciate it!
Pic quality sucks because camera wasn’t working so I had to use my phone, sorry!
» Comments: 45