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Top Ten Ways To Tell That You Have Been Playing Too Much GTA V

2/11/14 2:50pm
tl;dr

I command you to read!

MWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

 

Welcome one and all to my first February blog! Well…unless the blog that was supposed to go up in January ends up getting here comes up first then oh well.

As you all may know, GTA V is quite the popular game, seeing how it got an absurd amount of sales to become one of the most best-selling game of all time.  Seeing which, I decided to ask for it over the holidays since I was intrigued.  Seeing how my playstyle is usually to conquer games, I ended up playing this game. …..A LOT.  So much so, that I’m here to give you a silly little top ten list to let you know that you are playing too much of this game and to go out and…play other games I guess?  I don’t understand this concept called ‘outside’…

 

#10-Chop has a golden collar​

Bet you didn’t know this one, didn’t you? If you have Franklin’s (or Lamar’s…or your?) dog have the elusive golden collar, then chances are that you’ve played too much.  Or…at least played the “Chop the Dog” minigame on the Iphone for more than you should.  That’s why this one is at number 10, since just having the golden collar doesn’t mean that you’ve actually played GTA5 too much—just the Iphone game.

After you play through some of the story games and have the ability to walk with Chop, the game tells you that you can ‘train’ (and I use that term loosely…) and feed him by downloading the Ifruit app on your phone.  Although, the real reason why you should download that app is so that you can be able to view your progress on the 100% checklist, but that’s a different story.  With the ‘Chop the Dog’ minigame—it’s just as you would expect. You take care of him like a Tamagachi by giving him Drunk beers when he’s thirsty, give him steaks when he’s hungry, and do minigames with him in order to prevent him from being lazy. However, feeding him and giving him drinks costs credits—and you only get a certain amount each day.  It’s really dumb when you first start since you don’t nearly have enough credits to make this needy dog happy. Yet, a couple of weeks later, you’ll have more credits than you’ll know what to do with. Also, you have to clean up Chop’s poop as well. It would be kind of cool, except that…he poops/gets hungry/gets thirsty/gets lazy CONSTANTLY. Like, arguably even more than a real dog. In fact…that might be a good experiment.

You get messages pop up on your phone whenever Chop needs something, and it gets annoying fast. It got to the point that I just ignored him and turned the notices off since Chop can’t die. I’M SUCH A GOOD DOG TRAINER! Although, if you get gold rankings in all of the minigames you can do with Chop (they aren’t hard, but they need some practicing), then you are eligible to buy the golden collar for him.  Oh, but you have to buy it too…since nothing is cheap in this world except junk mail.  The cool thing about this collar though, is that if you buy it, Chop in the actual GTA5 game will wear the sparkly collar as well that you can show off to…um…Trevor I guess. It actually looks more yellow than gold now that I think about it.

 

#9-You have an irrational hatred of spaceship parts and paper​

For those of you brave souls like me who have a need to conquer games and do to the side missions and other random knick-knacks like playing tennis with a ridiculously dressed up Trevor, you are going to have to do two lengthy collectathon missions that will have you crawling up the strangest corners of the world map and such.  It’s as silly as it was in AC2 where you had to get the 100 feathers for your cousin or something because derp and you had to.  Without a map, I might add.

For the missions, you need to get 50 spaceship parts and 50 scraps of paper just to unlock two short side missions for 100% completion.  This doesn’t sound quite too bad in comparison to other games like DK64 where you had to get 3500 bananas or something ridiculous like that.  However, when you take into consideration of how large the world map is, along with the time it takes for you to look up the locations and possibly get a helicopter for out-of-reach places (and failing a few times for some tricky ones), then you have yourself a massive hunt to endure.  I wouldn’t have a deep seated hatred for these collectibles if the game at least had the courtesy to put them on the map rather than for them to say “GO FIND THEM! MWAHAHAHAA!”  Although, to be fair, there is a map detailing where they are in the Ifruit app you can get on your phone.  …except that it sucks, is incredibly laggy, the app can crash, and it’s much easier just to cheat and look up a video on IGN or something.  Would it really been that bad if they just put those things on the in-game map and save everyone a butt load of trouble?

But even then, it really can be a dull drag to get these things since they are usually just lying somewhere in the middle of nowhere.  Why couldn’t it be like Arkham City for Riddler Trophies or something where you would have to solve some sort of puzzle or go through a small obstacle course to get them?  That would have made this much more enjoyable to go through, instead of just going to point to point for padding’s sake. But it’s not, and anyone who has played their fair share of GTA V and has some OCD like me will loathe spaceship parts and scraps of paper. But hey! At least you get a cool vehicle if you get the spaceship parts.  That’s worth it right? (PS: It’s not, but at least it’s something…I guess.)

 

#8-You actually know how to get prostitutes instead of just a lap dance (in the game)

Remember when the media got all upset at the prostitute stuff in GTA3 and 4?  Well, that’s in this game too, but I never actually did it until much later in the game until it was required for the 100% checklist for the miscellaneous category. That’s right. I didn’t do a sex scene until I was literally required to do so.  *poses* But either way, yes, you can get a prostitute service in this game.  It’s just that you’ve probably either played GTA5 too much until the point that you figured it out yourself or were required to do so. ….or you are just a very bored horny player running out of things to do in this game. Either way, you’ve played too much GTA5.  I have a theory that they made it a little bit more…out of the way to obtain due to the outrage from the public on the past games. But that’s just a theory. A GAME TH—I’m not going to steal that.

In order to get the step up from the easy-to-figure out private dance from the strip club, make your way to the La Mesa area of Los Santos after around 22:00.  Make sure you have around $500 dollars as well and a decent car. Drive around the streets in this area until you see some women in high heels—that’s them.  Get close to them—but not too close since NPCs in this game are weaker than a Waddle Dee on stilts. Then press L3 (for the PS3, at least) to honk your horn and wait for them to get in.  The game might not prompt you, but next make your way to a secluded area like a back alley. Because…you know, NO ONE is there to watch from above! …well besides Trevor maybe. He’s always drunk on rooftops.  I don’t know what the difference is from a $100 and a $75 service but you can probably use your imagination.  For some reason the camera isn’t very good when you do this so, for all I know, they could simply be having a fun time jumping up and down simply to make the car rock and tilt in order to test the car’s stability for stunt jumps. …or to test the controller’s durability with its lengthy rumbling session.  Yeah…that’s it!

So now you know, and I have just taught everyone one of the most foul deeds you can possibly do in this game.  Then again, despite everything that the game has, I still think that the worst thing the characters do in this game is to buy a $1 drink, take a sip, and then chuck the can on the ground without recycling!  That’s horrible!!

 

#7-You know what a knife flight is

If you are one of those determined and brave souls eager to get their 100% checklist done, then you will know what a knife flight is.  Chances are that you will learn what this is either by doing all of the flight school lessons or by doing the 15 knife flights.  The flight school teaches you what the knife flight is eventually along with incredibly dangerous stunts that should be banned from any flight school lesson—which consists of flying upside down extremely close to buildings.  The knife flights required for the checklist also involve you flying incredibly close to skyscrapers…and probably meaning that you will crash and get ‘wasted’ a bunch…ending up in you spending $5000 for a revival, calling a taxi, waiting for said taxi, drive to the hangar, and THEN get another chance to fly. *slams head on desk*

But enough teasing!  A knife flight is when you fly sideways in a plane. Simple, right? Surprising that this term was never learned in a game like Star Fox or some other aviation game. Hell, I never even heard this in an airplane museum. Is this made up by the game? *searches on the web* Huh…it actually might be. That might be the reason. Any pilots out there that can confirm this?

Oh, well, for GTA5, knife flights may be a bit more tricky to pull off than what it sounds—especially if you’re using a jet and have to do it between a very tight space.  You have to constantly press L1 or R1 (for PS3) in order to keep your plane steady and have a fair amount of altitude. …or you can kind of cheat and be sideways momentarily for a bit.

 

#6-Taxis are (almost) your best friend

I say almost since you have to wait for them, and they don’t always come.  However, as you will soon grow to know when you play too much GTA5, you will see that there is a LOT of driving to do! Then again, seeing how the game has “Auto” in the title, that’s kind of to be expected. Still, it starts to get a tad tedious at times having to drive from one end of the county to the other and having to go through the same roads. However, with taxis, (nearly) all of your problems will be solved by being able to skip the task of driving and going straight to your destination! Awesome!

While this will obviously cost money to do and actually cost extra if you skip the driving, you can more than sweeten the deal if you buy the Downtown Cab Co. with Franklin—making all cab rides absolutely free!  …although…buying the company does come with the hefty cost of $400,000 or so…so it might be actually cheaper to just pay for the cab rides I guess.  Unless you are a greedy miser like me who just likes to conquer everything anyways because he can. MWAHAHAHAHAAA!! I’m the master landlord now!

Now that you have your personal taxi service whenever you want, you can call them at any time and even in the most remote locations like the mountains they will still come in a hurry and get you in a few seconds.  It really can be quite impressive too of how determined some of the cab drivers can be—even driving through the beach just so that they can pick you up.  So there’s a lesson for you to learn—don’t sell your taxi property to those that want to abuse it--like me! And when you are going to get the game’s many collectibles, using the taxi service will save an immense amount of time.

However, taxis aren’t perfect since waiting for them can be a bit annoying due to the sometimes cruddy AI where they get stuck in traffic. Also, there are some places where they simply flat-out won’t give a cab to you. FRANKLIN DEMANDS HIS FREE TRANSPORTATION!

 

#5-Rockstar has banned you from online play

You have played the online portion of the game so much that you have learned the faster ways to get higher ranks and a boatload of cash.  Perhaps you have found a way to cheat the system, or perhaps you seemingly are too good at the online portion of the game. Either way, you’ve probably played the game far too longer than you should, and you have spent an excruciating amount of time researching over this game to see the fastest ways to reach supremeness online one way or another. Don’t really have much to say about this one, other than that maybe Rockstar might be trying to tell those banned a message that they should avoid using exploits for gaining glory.  I know why they are doing it so that players can have the same chance as others and not be alienated but isn’t the whole point of the game to break the law?  Perhaps Rockstar is doing a service discouraging others from playing too much GTA5.

 

#4-You no longer use the GPS system

You are so good and knowledgeable of the world’s map from driving around that you no longer even need to look at that minimap to know where to go.  Someone can just tell you to go to Mt. Josiah and you’ll be like, “I got this, bro.”  Then again…being able to do this kind of becomes a moot point since by the time you are knowledgeable of the world map, you probably are using taxis to get around.  Also, for driving sequences for when you are required to use your own car, the game already highlights what roads to take to complete the mission or something.

Although, what I’m trying to say is that, if you know nearly every street and part of the world map to the point that you really don’t need that GPS thing anymore, you’ve played for far too long.  As a test, the next mission you see, I want you to look at the map to see the general area of where it is. …or…if you (like me) have already done all of the missions, then just make a custom waypoint on the map. Now, try to get there as fast as you can without messing up and taking a wrong turn.  Also, make sure to turn the minimap now OFF in the settings.  If you can do it just as reasonably fast as you would do it with a GPS…then you know the map by heart, and you’ve been playing this game too much.  Funny though that, despite how much I have played for this game (at least 60 hours so far), I still haven’t uncovered a good portion of the map yet.  There’s still a large amount that’s not filled in! D:

Better yet, probably is that if you manage to have the entire map filled for Los Santos and Blaine County, then you’ve been playing longer than the ability to be able to no longer use a GPS system.

 

#3-You start saying ‘homie’ and ‘Kifflom’ more

First I’ll discuss the ‘homie’ one. For one, I live under a rock, so I’m not exactly sure myself if most people use this word in their vocab IRL at least.  However, from my experience, I have not heard or seen anyone regularly use the word online from Twitter, ScrewAttack, and online gaming like CoD, Mortal Kombat, and other places.

Yet, other than a myriad of curses being flown about like there’s no tomorrow (from what you would kind of expect from a game like GTA V), the word ‘homie’ is slung around—especially with Franklin—even to the point that the other characters in the game start to use it…like, even Trevor for example.  When I eventually got around to tackling the online portion of the game, I noticed that—even during a 30 minute race that dragged on—other players constantly started to use the word ‘homie’. It got me thinking as to what the word actually meant, and, other than that it’s slang for ‘homeboy’…I…didn’t get anything. …OK. So what does homeboy mean? *searches* Oh, neighbor.  ….hold on a sec—how come people online are using that to describe others who live halfway across the world?  Best not to think too hard…  Either way, you’ll start using ‘homie’ more the more you play.  Either that or the angry comments shall tell me of how little I get out and talk to others.

Now, with ‘Kifflom’, this term comes exclusively from this game. …unless…other GTA games have used it since they referenced Liberty City once with this word/religion.  This word is associated with the Epsilon program, that is a religion due to tax reasons.  Within this religion, you know everything by knowing nothing…by walking 5 miles in the desert, ‘delivering’ the program certain cars, wearing baby blue clothes, and other random stuff that will make you doubt reality.  And for those of you who may have stolen money from the program for their ill-gotten gains, just know that the Epsilon program was right the whole time, for you get to meet Cris in the afterlife in GTA Online.  OOPS.

If you play too much GTA V, you might find yourself actually believing in this cult as a religion, use “Kifflom” for everything instead of “Yes sir”, and hand them ridiculous amounts of cash, and say Kifflom whenever you are doing exercises for breathing control.  And yes…it is starting to become a real religion. …and I still have no idea what Kifflom means. 

 

#2-Your car in the game begins to look more and more ridiculous​

The more and more money you accumulate in the game, the more and more silly your car is going to get.  If you end up playing the game for about 60 hours or so like I did, then it’s probably going to ‘just’ be a $2 million sports car in a neon pink color with yellow tire smoke (I have no idea how that works) along with a clown honking horn that honks with a tune and such.  It’s also going to come equipped with lime green tinted windows and other nonsense that you really don’t need but you’ll slap whatever you find on top of it anyway since that’s how you roll. Winning.

And all of this effort and money poured into your brand new car that sticks out like a sore thumb just for it to get totaled as you attempt to do a stunt jump and ditch it into the bottom of the ocean. But, hey, no worries! You can ‘just’ spend another few million on a brand new car….and make it look even more silly and make it sparkly.  Also, the more you play, the more ridiculous vehicles you will get to unlock, like the baby blue Kifflom car and the strange space vehicle that makes buzzing noises.  Now if only you had a sparkly gold tank you could drive around or have other golden parts like in Spirit Tracks or something, then I’d be all over that. ….or a Ganondorf car.

 

1-You hate people not using turn signals more than ever

The more you play GTA5, the more you will learn that the main reason for car crashes are from NPCs that have a mind of their own with their strange AI. They always jump out at you whenever they you are going fast. Like, I get that they might be smart enough to try to veer to the side of the road to allow space for you like ANY sensible driver would, but a good chunk of them even go as far as to literally drive into the middle of the street into you!  Their haphazard driving and them simply being in the way all of the time also drives me up the walls (and especially my brother, since he actually likes to keep his custom cars in good condition).  However, the most annoying thing about this is whenever you are in the middle of a race or trying to get a gold medal in a mission by beating the time constraint and then a car doesn’t use their turn signal and then rams into you for no reason.  It’s beyond aggravating, and you failed by some sort of random factor.

Also, for those trying to get ‘Not a Scratch’ and deliver some sort of vehicle without any little dings on it (because Kifflom forbid that losing your hood ornament causes mission failure), you will find yourself doing more to follow the traffic rules than ever. But guess what? You STILL are in danger of being hit since many of the drivers are rather reckless and will fail to use their turn signals and ram into you and it wasn’t your fault.  …perhaps this is why the police don’t bother to pull people over for those (like you) consistently running through red lights?  Or, now that I think about it, the better reason why they don’t pull people over for that is because they have more important things in that game to worry about…like random thieves stealing from banks.

If there is anything that GTA V closely resembles to real life—it’s that people don’t use their turn signals. Well, in Alabama at least.  People can’t drive here in an inch of snow.

 

And there you have it, ten silly reasons that you know that you’ve been playing GTA V too much. …..then again this list is somewhat moot because, let’s face it—you probably are playing too much already. BUT HEY! At least that’s more people not playing iOS Dungeon Keeper, right?

 

Today’s Ganon Award goes to g1 Big Boss of Moss for his stream he’s going to have to celebrate ScrewAttack’s 8th year! I command you to go see it! 

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